I am reluctant to write this article, but I feel it needs to be put out there. I have been fearful-avoidant attached most of my life, and am very aware of the heartbreak I have caused to some of my partners.

Avoidants are often pictured as the evil force in an otherwise beautiful relationship. They are the reason that things don't work out and take most of the blame.

And that is often the case; avoidants are very hard partners to be with. I have been avoidant, and I have dated avoidants, and the push-pull is exhausting.

Meeting the right partner

The truth is, avoidants crave love as much as anyone else; they are just terrified of it. But when somebody with an avoidant attachment style partners up with a person who is not right for them, their avoidance gets even worse.

I can personally attest to this because it happened to me as well. I always knew there was somebody out there who would not feel like I was being tricked into a partnership.

And there was. I met him five years ago after a 3-year relationship where I had been extremely avoidant.

Why do we have certain attachment styles?

We develop our attachment style mostly in childhood, where our parents/caretakers should be the example of unconditional love. But when love gets conditional, the child learns to behave a certain way to receive that love.

For avoidant people, this means they created a defense mechanism to protect themselves. They learned that love is not safe and that they can only rely on themselves.

So when a partner shows up in their adult life, they still feel the need to protect themselves for love. It's their inner shadow saying, "Love will be painful, don't let yourself get hurt".

It's a long and painful journey to understand those patterns in yourself, but the right partner will make you face all your fears.

What does 'the right partner' mean?

When I am talking about the right partner, I don't mean it's some magical person who suddenly heals the avoidant. Quite the opposite.

It's a person who reflects everything back at them. Their wounds, their triggers, their unresolved traumas. And because they are the right partner, this time they can't look away.

They will be forced to look into the mirror because that partner came into their path to teach them something. There is a soul connection between both people, one that elevates both souls.

These relationships are incredibly challenging. They have nothing to do with romantic fairytales, and everything with finally facing your shit.

The power of meeting the One

The One might not be somebody who stays with you forever. They show up when you are ready to heal. The timing is always perfect, even though it doesn't seem like that at first.

The connection with the right one goes beyond ordinary partnership. Both people know there is something deeper going on. That's why it's impossible to stay away from each other.

When I met one of my soulmates five years ago, I knew: this is what I had been waiting for.

The reality, however, was a big wake-up call. I had been living my life behind the walls of protection, but with him, I couldn't defend myself. He cracked me open like only a soulmate can do.

How the avoidant changes

Let me get one thing clear: the avoidant doesn't change because you keep loving them. They change because they realize they are the problem. When an avoidant meets the right partner, and they lose that person (which will most likely happen), they start going inward.

They begin to face their issues and understand why they are so afraid of love. With the right partner, they have felt that love, and they know it's real.

Losing that is no option anymore. They get self-aware and start their inner journey. If they don't, they are not ready to heal, and they will move on quickly to the next person.

They probably hadn't met the right partner yet.

Meeting a secure partner

The right partner for an avoidant can be two things: a mirror staring back at them with their own attachment style issues, or a secure person who doesn't take their bullshit.

The secure person most likely shows up after the mirror relationship is over. The avoidant had time to heal their issues, and are now aware of their patterns.

That doesn't mean this relationship will suddenly be easy. After all, we learn the most in similar environments that have hurt us the most as well. That pain doesn't magically disappear with a secure partner.

But if that partner is the right person, the avoidant will work on themselves.

When it's not the right person

Many would argue that the right partner doesn't exist for the avoidant and that love is something you have to choose. But I see it differently as an ex-avoidant.

The guy of my three-year relationship, where I was the avoidant, was never the right partner for me. I knew that from the start, but I believed that I had to choose love.

However, he never activated anything in me, even though he was securely attached and loved me consistently. I was not ready to face that part of myself, and he just annoyed me.

Because when I did meet the right partner one year later, a bomb exploded in me. There was nowhere to run to, and I had to face myself. I had a soul contract with that person long before I met all the other men.

And it activated as soon as I met him.

What happens when you meet a soulmate?

Contrary to popular belief, soulmates are not (always) romantic love stories. Instead, they come to initiate you into the version you were always supposed to become.

Jung calls this the activation of the Anima/Animus; your inner repressed masculine or feminine. Your soulmate reflects that missing piece back to you.

But not to become codependent on them. They activate it so you can find it in yourself, without them. That is the wholeness that an avoidant is missing before they realize it.

The right person might not be somebody who stays forever, but they helped them find the way back to themselves.

Behavior of an avoidant who met the right partner

So how can you tell if the avoidant has met the right partner? There are some subtle signs:

• Their nervous system begins to regulate. The avoidant feels calm in the presence of their partner.
• They feel recognized and understood. There is no blaming and guilt-tripping, but an energetic connection.
• They open up emotionally, even though it scares them. They are more present with their loved one.
• They initiate contact and allow physical closeness for longer periods.
• The avoidant begins sharing their fears and shows their vulnerability.
• They are open to inner work and show interest in their own attachment style.

When I was with the wrong partner, none of these happened for me. I was very stuck in my avoidant behavior and kept blaming my boyfriend for feeling that way.

But when I met that soulmate, my walls started dissolving really quickly.

Shadow work to heal attachment styles

As a fearful-avoidant for nearly my whole life, I know how it feels to be on both sides of the attachment spectrum. Being anxiously attached is no joke either.

And also for the anxious partner counts that the right partner will initiate their healing process.

For me, that healing starts with shadow work. It's the work you do to face yourself. No talk therapy, no distractions, no pills to regulate yourself; just you and your wounds.

This is not easy work and will expose many hidden layers of your psyche. But I believe that self-awareness is the key to every healing journey. Without that, you will just fall back into your own patterns.

I wrote a shadow journal especially for attachment styles, and it's based on Carl Jung's wisdom of the shadow archetypes. It might help you if you are ready to go inward.

Relationships as a portal to inner wholeness

After the avoidant has started their healing journey, they will realize that relationships are the real path to consciousness. They will learn that intimacy doesn't equal the loss of the self.

Finally, they start to develop secure bonding behaviors and have less need to pull away. When they do feel that pull, they know it's their own triggers showing up again, and they will find ways to regulate themselves.

They see their partner as somebody to collaborate with, not somebody to run from or compete with. And they will come back with a repair instead of shutting down after a conflict.

The right partner will be the catalyst for the transformation of an avoidant, and they need that person to overcome their issues.

I am not together anymore with the soulmate who initiated me, but that was exactly his purpose. We don't have only one soulmate, but when you meet one, you will know it.

And the next one will also show up at the right time.

Let go when you are not the right partner

This might be extremely hard to read for some, but if you are not the right partner for an avoidant, let them go.

You will only hurt yourself more by holding on. They will not change just because you love them. They have to love themselves first before they can return that love.

It's very painful to realize that the best act of love is sometimes to let somebody go their own way. You cannot heal them. If you are the right partner for them, they will realize what they lost, and they will come back with self-awareness.

If they don't come back, there will be another right partner for you as well.

What if you ARE the right partner?

If you read this and you feel strongly that you are the right partner, what to do with the avoidant? They might still withdraw or become emotionally overwhelmed.

As their soulmate, you have to stay in your own energy. Don't change or pressure them. Stay grounded and calm, and don't let them enter your energy field when they push back.

If you continue with your own secure pattern, it will eventually recalibrate the avoidant's nervous system. Don't let their pushing away knock you off your feet, and have your own life besides them.

You can only be an example and inspiration for them, not their healer. Don't be afraid to be firm with your boundaries — an avoidant has to learn that their behavior is not okay.

The healed avoidant

It took me five years (from the moment I realized I was avoidant) to become secure. These years were extremely hard. I entered the Dark Night of the Soul and learned all about my childhood wounds.

"We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life." — Carl Jung

This journey is not easy, and many avoidants will go back to their usual behavior, which is where they feel safe.

But I am so grateful I kept going and faced myself. When I do attachment tests now, the result is secure, and it feels so good.

I trust myself, I trust others, and I trust love, and in the end, that is all that matters.

If you are ready to dive deep and are not afraid to face yourself, I think my new Anxious & Avoidant Shadow Journal can help you.