I’m a “Jedi Top”!

In the Bedroom, I'm a Top, But I'm Not Dominant.

The distinction is huge.

As a straight man, I've only recently become aware of the top/bottom distinction that exists in homosexual and bisexual culture. According to a primer on the topic by Ariana:

Tops are the ones who want to be in control during sex. Being in control can mean a lot of things when it comes to sex. Tops are often the ones who want to take the lead. This can mean they are the ones who chose the position, penetrate their partners, give oral, and other sexual deeds.

What is a Top or Bottom? and how to know which one you are.

Ariana's piece in particular got me thinking about how I fit into this dynamic. Sure enough, I do see much more of myself in the definition of "top". (Wow, a heterosexual man identifying as a top? Will wonders never cease?)

But here's the thing…

While I do possess masculine-flavored confidence without performativity, as so many women crave, it's paired with what I would describe as "passionate benevolence".

I have no desire to dominate (or be dominated by) a woman in the bedroom. I don't want anything to get in the way of love and connection and making each other feel safe and seen. What I do want is to celebrate her beauty and her body's capacity for pleasure. Paradoxial though it may sound, I actually see that as a heavenly way for us to bond over our common humanity.

Even when I'm fucking her hard, it's not about asserting dominance. It's about inundating her with lust infused with intense, powerful_, benevolen_t emotional energy.

The Healing Power of Benevolently Charged Lust Photo by mehdi zegna on Unsplash

I don't want to control her. I don't want to see her in pain or suffering.

I want to see her shine!

To help you paint a picture, let me share some of the experiences I've had making love with a woman:

— As I'm loving on her beautiful pussy with my fingers, she blurts out in the throes of pleasure, "I love being a girl!" (For the record, she was older than me, and I was in my twenties.)

— Her leg shakes involuntarily as she's having an orgasm. It may not look particularly dignified, but that's okay. I'm not there for "dignified"; I'm there for raw and real. Same goes for her O face. Here's a PSA for all women: Don't be ashamed of the "symptoms" of your pleasure. Embrace them! They don't make you any less beautiful or worthy of love and respect. (And anyone who doesn't get that doesn't deserve access to your body. I will die defending that hill.)

— Her eyes soften and become more radiant, as though her body has reassured her mind, "This man is for real. He genuinely cares about you and wants you to feel good."

— On a post-orgasmic high, she tells me, "I'm yours. Do what you want with me." (Don't worry, I didn't take advantage of her. In fact, I'm going to circle back to this later.)

Oh, and if you're wondering about me? Contrary to what you may have heard about men not having intense orgasms, mine are so intense that I've been asked (on more than one occasion) if I'm okay!

Cleaning house

I didn't lose my virginity till my second year of university. By the standards of my generation (Gen X), that makes me a "late bloomer" (to put it politely). But I used that extra time wisely. I prepared.

It was during this time that I learned (in a psych class?) that most women can't orgasm from penile penetration alone. That was an earthshattering revelation, and I had to sit with it for a while, but eventually, I came to see it as an opportunity. As I've written previously (in the story linked below):

I was like an entrepreneur who recognized that his target demographic needed and deserved a better product than what was currently available.

In Dating, "Foreplay" Was My Only Strategic Advantage I didn't have much else going for me.

I'm actually grateful to have learned that lesson when I was still a virgin, because now, when Christiana Laura and other women rightly call out men who are only interested in "the main event", I'm proud to be able to say that I've never inflicted such an experience on a woman!

Another way I used my time as a virgin productively was to make a concerted effort to declutter my thinking of ideas about women and sex that weren't aligned with my passionate benevolence. The ideas I was getting rid of had accumulated through years of cultural osmosis; the ones I replaced them with were my own, based on my exploration of my sexuality and my burning drive to make sure my libido and my desire to do the right thing were working together instead of against each other.

How I Reconciled My Libido with My Determination to Be a Good Man It Was Like Unlocking a Superpower

Let me share with you some of the ideas I consciously put in place; I think both men and women could learn something from them.

(1) A woman's body is there for her pleasure — not anyone else's.

There's no room in my heart for treating her like a piece of meat. I feel so strongly about this, that consent is actually not good enough for me. It doesn't measure up to my personal standard of care. Consent is for things you're not expected to enjoy (like a root canal), or things that are expected to be more beneficial to the other party (like when you sign a waiver).

Sex shouldn't fall into either of those categories. I see myself as her "co-conspirator", helping her to break free (from everything that's been said and done to her that's made her feel alienated from her body and libido), and also helping her to claim her birthright: the exquisite pleasure her body has to offer her. If she doesn't get that that's where I'm coming from, or her heart just isn't in it, then it's not what I want.

Interestingly, this tenet of mine also protects me. If a woman thinks she can use her body as a bargaining chip to get something from me, she's in for a rude awakening. My libido will think, "Sure, you have a lovely body, but it's there for your pleasure, not mine. And I'm not interested in pleasuring a woman who's trying to manipulate me."

(2) A woman's body isn't there to be judged.

There's no room in my heart for body-shaming. When a woman gives me access to her body (even just visual access), my mind doesn't look for flaws; it looks for reasons to find her beautiful. That open-mindedness has led me to some delightful discoveries about what actually turns me on. Pubic hair on a woman — even if it's just a landing strip — is hot. An "outie" pussy says to me, "I'm proudly, unapologetically sexual, and I refuse to be small!" That too is hot. There are certain colors of labia I find absolutely breathtaking, and the sight of large areolas is like a call to worship. But here's the thing: if I was with a woman whose pussy is fully shaved and/or an "innie", whose labia are a different color, or whose areolas are small, I wouldn't be turned off. On the contrary, my mind would probably find those features beautiful in their own way.

(3) The pleasure a woman's body has to offer her is her birthright.

There's no room in my heart for slut-shaming. I will never think less of a woman for getting naked with me. Quite the opposite, in fact! I see it as an honor and a privilege. And I don't expect her pussy to be in an exclusive relationship with my cock. I want her pussy to have a deep, passionate relationship not only with my cock, but also with my fingers, lips, and tongue. And that's not the only deep, passionate relationship between her parts and mine: there's also a torrid affair between her breasts and my fingers, lips, and tongue (and possibly my cock).

(4) Being scantily clad or naked does not in any way make a woman less of a person.

If I ever have the opportunity to meet actress Jennifer Lawrence, I'll talk to her like I would any other woman: as one human soul connecting with another. The fact that I've seen her completely nude (in the film No Hard Feelings) doesn't change that. (Yes, she has lady parts. What a shocker!)

I consider myself a "Jedi Top"

My perspective is informed by a deep level of self-knowledge that you simply can't get by listening to online influencers.

As I've written about before, my first experience of feeling connected to my body in a transcendent way wasn't through sex, but the practice of Aikido (a Japanese martial art). And I was blessed with that experience before any woman had shared her body with me. But in hindsight, I'm glad it happened that way: being able to appreciate the magic of feeling so connected to one's body, it seems to me only natural and right that when a woman gets naked with me, I should help her feel deeply connected to her body.

Remember that woman who told me, "I'm yours. Do what you want with me"? As validating as that was for me, I also found it disconcerting. I didn't want that kind of power over her (or anyone else). I certainly wasn't about to abuse it. On the contrary, I realized then how "strong I am with the Force", and how I therefore need to think like a Jedi: wield this power of mine with love and integrity.

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Final Thoughts

What I've presented here is my own twist on the top/bottom distinction. I think both men and women could take something away from it. And while I don't expect every man to see himself as a Jedi, I do think it's incumbent on us men to recognize the power of our libidos and learn to use them responsibly. That's another hill I will die defending.

With Love,

© Ben Rosenthal 2026