I'm only out here 'cause I'm in the middle of a bad divorce.
I'd been a cop a long time, but I didn't know this guy. And he didn't know me. Yet, that was his "greeting" to me and my shift-mate as we walked up to him. Not a "hi" or "damn, it's cold out here."
He didn't stop there.
Before either I or my shift-mate had uttered a word, this guy went on to talk for four to five solid minutes. In those minutes, I learned about his divorce, his fight with his spouse over finances, where they are in the court process, and how it's all affected his job.
He'd only glance toward us when he spoke, preferring to look toward the ground instead.
Now, I have friends — damn good friends — who I've known 20 years who wouldn't share information like that with anyone. At least not in the first few minutes of meeting them. I wouldn't share that information with anyone aside from a therapist.
We needed to abort.
When he finally paused to take a breath, we looked at each other and suddenly remembered we had a "thing" we needed to take care of. We hightailed it to our car and got out of there.
This guy wasn't a bad person.
He wanted us to know that his current post — as a patrol officer assigned to sit in front of a convenience store — wasn't his usual. Prior to his relationship drama, he'd been assigned to a sought-after specialized unit. He was a guy in the middle of a terrible situation, and he wasn't coping well.
Emotionally, he was a train wreck.
Yet, because they looked like 'harmless' conversation habits, most people would have just walked away thinking he was 'a bit much.' My career as a detective and background in psychology told me a different story.
Here are the habits that send me searching for the exit.
Not Asking Any Questions
In a 30-minute conversation, the other person never asks about you, your logic, or your perspective. Healthy conversations are a give-and-take. Yes, one person can lead, but it should always be a back-and-forth exchange where you give and request information.
Curiosity is a sign of an open, logical mind. A total lack of questions suggests the person has already scripted the outcome and is merely waiting for their turn to push a narrative.
If they aren't asking, they aren't listening — they are managing you.
Speaking Before You're finished
Constant interruptions, finishing your sentences before you're done talking, or starting a new thought before you've even finished yours. It demonstrates low levels of emotional intelligence. The single most important part of effective communication is letting the other party finish their thought before responding.
This is classic hearing without listening. They are simply interested in delivering information, not receiving it.
The person lacks either self-control or self-awareness. Perhaps both.
Oversharing
Providing an overwhelming amount of irrelevant detail or dumping information that you didn't ask for. Our friend from the opening is the gold standard for this. For heaven's sake, keep something back to share later, or maybe not at all.
This happens for a host of reasons (lack of self-awareness, need for approval or status, burying the truth under a mountain of information, etc.), but none of them are good.
When the volume of information goes up, the value and appropriateness of that information usually goes down.
Hypersensitivity to Tone
Ignoring the factual content of your question to focus entirely on how you asked it ( think something like "Why are you being so aggressive?"). The "silent treatment" is rooted in this as well. This is a common go-to for many people when they can't defend on facts.
This is almost always an attempt to paint you as the antagonist and them as a victim. They are moving the argument from the "truth" of their behavior to the "fairness" of your delivery.
It is a diversionary tactic used when they have no logical defense for their actions.
Passive Validation
Using phrases like "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry you misinterpreted me." Spoiler alert — they're not sorry. They are using a passive-aggressive method to say that what you think or feel is wrong. Even if that's the case, using these phrases is not the way to address it.
This demonstrates a total lack of self-awareness. They are attempting to validate your emotion, albeit poorly, to avoid validating the facts.
It's a signal that they prioritize being right over being effective or fair.
Final Thoughts
The officer I encountered on that shift wasn't likely a bad person. Yet, his "harmless" oversharing was a signal that he was a liability in that moment, regardless of his past record or specialized training. These individual flags are often indicative of larger problems.
In my career as a detective, I've seen that while words are often scripted, habits are much harder to hide.
When you spot these five signals, stop treating them as social annoyances, or just "your gut." Treat them as the data points. Then use that data to tell you what to do next. Maybe you know this person needs help, and they would be receptive to it.
Just as importantly, they may tell you exactly when it's time to head for the exit.
About the Author: I spent nearly 13 years as a detective and fugitive hunter, operating behind the scenes. Today, I combine that experience with a Master's in Psychology in my search to make sense of human behavior. Thanks for reading.
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