《患得患失的海嘯：在妳的生活中，我是否可有可無的過客？》| A Tsunami of Ambivalence: Am I Merely a Dispensable Passerby in Your…

致我心底那位微強勢稍有威嚴的師傅：在時間的流逝裡，我依然等待著我有幸能成為妳的唯一，而不是稍縱即逝的一抹流星 ☄️💫 | To the mentor deep in my heart — commanding yet dignified: As time drifts by, I still wait for the chance to become your "only one" rather than just a fleeting shooting star. ☄️💫 (Written in Cantonese & English)

最近幾年開始用最適合自己的節奏去生活，身心也有了更大的空間。然而，每當深夜聽著熟悉的旋律，過往那些零碎的回憶片段，依然會在心裡的湖水中泛起了一波又一波的漣漪。

從前在辦公室的日子，每天都是一場克制與煎熬的角力。

「面對壓抑多年的獨有取向，每當看到她走近 — — 那位知性、成熟、人品好、有教養、做事帶著致命魅力的上司，天啊，我的心跳就會快到讓我懷疑自己是否需要入急症室！當她公事公辦地詢問我工作進度時，我總是緊張得在結巴，用盡全身的力氣克制自己不要顫抖，勉強維持著一個下屬的生硬本份。」

內心的壓力有多大，每天都是煎熬，那不能宣之於口的孤獨秘密，即使分享給朋友聽也相信沒有人能完全明白。同時又內疚及恐懼交集，覺得讓自己崇拜和重視的上司失望 — 她一定對我的印象大打折扣了，覺得我表現太差了。多少個睡眠質素很差的晚上，在懷疑自己是否一生都要這樣渡過？難道我就沒資格去找一個彼此適合的人去愛和被愛嗎？

如果她不只是用上司的身份去管我，還可以有私人關係，整件事可以多有安全感啊！我不用怕她偶然的批評或糾正、責怪，會帶來海嘯式的患得患失，以及害怕被拒絕和拋棄的焦慮 — 當然，我的理智告訴我，這一切只是我內心的劇場，她 — 只是我的上司 — 只需公事公辦，做好她自己應有的角色。

多麼渴望她的管教或糾正，甚至溫柔的教導，背後可以多一份感情連繫，以致我不只是她人生一個可有可無的過客，可以逐步變成一個她引以為傲、想獨自佔有的小朋友。。。。

雖然，今天我都沒有正式出櫃，但我內心對自己多了一份接納 — 起碼這是一種有血有肉的真實感情，我不需要標籤化、不停否認、壓抑 — 我能誠實地面對自己。即使有些人，注定只可以是人生的過客，但她們為我留下的好的影響，在往後的日子裏也會承傳下去。我也學習到，即使有些你喜歡的人，未必可以擁有，但遙遠地看到她過得開心，也是彼此的祝褔。

《情未了》

像迷幻如夢初醒的一對眼

似夜晚星光一般璀璨

是常在心間濃情從未淡

這份愛的感嘆這一生不褪減

回頭望從未懂開口講愛妳

放下妳已是再會無期

但長伴心扉柔情全屬妳

縱是隔開千里靈魂內永久不死

I'll be loving you forever

and I've been loving you so long

情未了

只要天知曉你重要

生與死其實當中得一套戲

有著你有著一生的美

命隨流星飛

愛和我一起

那熱熾的希冀靈魂內永恆不死

I'll be loving you forever

and I've been loving you so long

情未了

只要天知曉你重要

Ah 依依不捨得你走

戀戀的心也沒有被帶走

仍留在暖暖的手

I'll be loving you forever

and I've been loving you so long

情未了

只要天知曉你重要

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

📬 思想交換信箱： lightgleaner@proton.me

如果妳也身在香港，剛好讀了這篇海嘯思潮的文章，歡迎來信交流。不論是探討關係、政治、音樂或旅遊，我都期待著。

In recent years, I have begun living at a pace that suits me best, allowing more space for both my body and mind. Yet, whenever I listen to some familiar melodies late at night, fragments of past memories still send ripples across the lake of my heart. Back in my office days, every day was a wrestle between restraint and inner torment.

"I was grappling with a unique orientation that I had suppressed for years. Whenever she — my boss — approached, I felt overwhelmed. She was intellectual, mature, with good virtue, well-mannered, and carried a captivating, irresistible charisma in the way she worked. Good heavens, my heart would race so fast that I would wonder if I needed to rush to the emergency room! When she asked about my work progress in a strictly professional manner, I would stammer nervously, straining every muscle to keep from trembling, while barely managing to maintain the stiff, proper demeanor of a subordinate."

The internal pressure was immense, turning every day into an ordeal; I harbored a lonely secret that cannot be voiced — one I felt no one could truly understand, even if I shared it. What's worse, I was torn between guilt and fear, convinced I had disappointed the supervisor I admired and respected so deeply; surely, her opinion of me had plummeted because of my poor performance. Countless nights of fitful sleep left me wondering: am I destined to spend my whole life this way? Do I not deserve to find someone compatible — to love and be loved in return?

If only our relationship weren't confined to the professional realm — if there was a personal connection, too — how much more secure I would feel! I wouldn't have to fear that her occasional criticisms, corrections, or rebukes might trigger a tidal wave of insecurity, or the paralyzing anxiety of rejection and abandonment. Of course, my rational mind told me this is all just a drama playing out in my head; she was, after all, simply my supervisor — doing her job and fulfilling her role exactly as she should.

How I yearned for her discipline, correction, or even gentle guidance to be rooted in a deeper emotional connection — so that I wouldn't merely be a dispensable passerby in her life, but could gradually become a "favoured disciple" she was proud of and wanted to claim as her own…

Although I haven't officially come out, I have reached a new level of self-acceptance: at the very least, this is a genuine, tangible emotion — one that requires neither labeling, endless denial, nor suppression — allowing me to be honest with myself. Even though some people are destined to be nothing more than fleeting figures in our lives, the positive influence they left behind endures. I am also learning that when it comes to someone you care about, simply witnessing their happiness — even from afar — is a blessing for everyone involved.

《Love Lingers On》

Like a trance, like eyes just waking from a dream,

Radiant as starlight in the night.

You dwell forever in my heart; the deep affection never fades.

This declaration of love remains undiminished throughout my life.

Looking back, I never found the words to say "I love you."

Letting you go meant there would be no reunion.

Yet you remain close to my heart; all my tenderness belongs to you.

Though we are worlds apart, our bond lives on eternally within the soul.

I'll be loving you forever

and I've been loving you so long

Love lingers on

As long as Heaven knows how much you matter

Life and death — in truth, it is but a play.

With you, life holds a beauty that lasts a lifetime.

Life flies by like a shooting star,

But love remains with me.

That burning hope lives on eternally within the soul.

I'll be loving you forever

and I've been loving you so long

Love lingers on

As long as Heaven knows how much you matter

Ah, I cannot bear to see you go;

My heart, so deeply in love, was not taken away —

It remains here, held in warm hands.

I'll be loving you forever

and I've been loving you so long

Love lingers on

As long as Heaven knows how much you matter

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

📬 Exchange of Ideas: lightgleaner@proton.me

If you happen to be in Hong Kong and have read this article on the "Tsunami of Thought," please feel free to write in and connect. Whether the topic is about relationships, politics, music, or travel, I look forward to hearing from you.

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