Holding On…

As human beings, we tend to hold on to many things. Sometimes that can be good, and sometimes it can be destructive. We hold on to good habits, and those habits often keep us healthy both mentally and physically. The good things we hold onto nourish us, shape us, and bring meaning into our lives. When we hold on to what is good, we feel alive. We feel purpose. In return, we spread more goodness and peace into the world around us.

But holding on to the bad? To unhealthy habits, destructive thoughts, and painful emotions? Those things are lethal. When we hold onto what harms us, we already know we will eventually get hurt. It is almost guaranteed. Bad habits and unhealthy emotions may offer temporary comfort, but in the end, they rarely lead anywhere except ruin.

What fascinates me most is how human beings fall in love with people or things that are not good for them. And when it comes to love and romance, people often say, "The heart wants what it wants." Honestly, I cannot disagree with that. When your heart truly falls for someone, it is not easy to simply stand back up and walk away. That person slowly becomes your home, even if that home is chaotic — filled with sorrow, pain, endless arguments, and emotional destruction.

It is almost as if you possess every possible resource to leave. You could move out of that house, start over, begin a new chapter, and finally free yourself from the constant sadness, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion. Yet something inside of you continues to pull you back. Because no matter how broken or chaotic that place may be, it is still home to you.

No matter how much damage it causes to your mind, heart, and soul, there remains a strange sense of safety within it. Every time life storms around you, you find yourself wanting to return. Deep inside, you know that this person awakens something within you that no one else can reach, and because of that, you keep going back.

Holding onto certain things can eventually become manageable. At some point, people are able to let go and move forward. But when your heart becomes deeply attached to another human being, everything changes. That is when things become unbearable. That is when the real battle begins.

Because once your heart chooses someone and convinces you that this person is essential to your happiness, your peace, even your ability to function, you begin fighting a war within yourself. And from experience, there are very few battles in life more exhausting than battling your own mind.

How do you convince yourself to let go of someone when every part of you is still attached to them? How do you explain to your own mind that you are hurt, emotionally drained, and desperate for freedom, yet it still drags you back to the very thing destroying you?

How do you win against yourself?

Especially when you know this person continues to push you away. When all you receive is distance, rejection, and silence. When you are fully aware that you occupy no real space within their world, yet your mind continues choosing them over and over again.

And letting go — what does that even mean at that point?

Your soul begs for rest, but your mind refuses to listen. Instead, it feeds itself with possibilities, with maybes, with fantasies, with miracles that may never come.

I do not understand how one soul can become so attached to another soul while fully knowing the attachment is one-sided. Knowing you mean almost nothing to them, yet still carrying them within your thoughts every single day.

And still, we refuse to let go.

Why?

Why do we willingly walk toward something we know will hurt us? Why do we continue down roads that lead directly toward heartbreak and tragedy?

Perhaps because, when we truly love someone deeply, even the pain they leave behind feels more meaningful than emptiness. Even suffering can feel beautiful when it is connected to someone who once made us feel alive.

Imagine waking up tomorrow to a world where technology could completely erase someone from your memory. Every thought, every feeling, every memory of the person you loved most could disappear forever. Despite all the pain they caused you, despite the emotional damage, you are given the choice to erase them entirely from your reality.

Would you do it?

Would you press the erase button?

Personally, I would not.

I would choose to keep the memories, even the painful ones. Because there is something strangely beautiful about loving someone so deeply that even the suffering carries meaning. No matter how painful, exhausting, or devastating it may be, it still reminds you that what you felt was real.

With Love,

Ilaha