A Sinner’s Paradox

"You're a sinner, so why do you even bother praying?"

"You know your religion, yet you deliberately break its rules. Hypocrite."

I hear these kinds of comments a lot from the people around me, and honestly, I'm pretty sure many of you have been on the receiving end of something similar.

I'll be the first to admit it: I am far from being a "good servant." More often than not, I find myself breaking the exact same religious rules I claim to follow. My faith is a rollercoaster. It goes up, it crashes down, and even though I still bow my head to pray, I keep crossing the boundaries set by the Creator.

"You're naive. You only come to God when your life is falling apart."

At first, that really got under my skin. I hated being labeled as a fair-weather believer who only remembers God when things get tough. But as I've gotten older and taken a few more beatings from life, I've come to a humbling realization: they're not entirely wrong.

It was just my own fragile ego getting triggered and defensive. I had to swallow the bitter truth that I often forget myself when I'm drowning in happiness, yet suddenly act like a devout saint the second hardship strikes.

But here's the thing. Acknowledging that doesn't mean I'm just going to surrender to their judgment and walk away from my faith entirely.

I get that not everyone believes in God. That's a reality, and I fully respect those differences without just blindly dismissing them as wrong. I'm not here to preach or quote scriptures at you. But for those who do believe, there's this profound certainty that after every hardship, there will eventually be ease.

One of the main reasons I still hold on so tightly to my faith is because I've felt Him save me time and time again. I'm still breathing, still here to face it all.

There were moments in my life when I honestly wanted to die. I wanted it all to end. But because my God didn't permit it, I didn't die. And at my absolute lowest points, especially when I felt like I had lost everything materially, it hit me: what else do I have left besides my hope in God? He is the only One who can provide me with everything, even though I'm usually eaten up by shame, feeling completely unworthy to come crawling back to beg for His help.

I've actually studied my religion. I know what's right and what's wrong. And yet… I'm still not a good servant. I still commit sins consciously, knowing full well that I shouldn't.

So, what keeps me praying and worshiping when I feel so completely unworthy?

I've metaphorically died and been reborn multiple times, and through it all, I still sin, and I still pray. Honestly, I'm just deeply grateful that God still gives me the capacity to feel shame when I mess up. The guilt that washes over me after sinning is still very real, even right at this exact second as I write this.

I can't guarantee that I'll ever be completely free from sin, because, well, I'm only human. I frequently curse my own reflection:

"You're a piece of shit. You act like you understand religion, but you just sin whenever you feel like it? Are you taking sin lightly just because you can pray, cry, feel a temporary peace, and then forget yourself again the second you're happy? Hypocrite."

But the raw, honest reason why I still pray, even when I feel covered in the dirt of my own mistakes, is that I am still desperate for His forgiveness. I still want to find my way back. I deeply miss the person I used to be before I let myself fall into this cycle.

Oh God, I'm not a saint. I am so incredibly far from it. But Your servant still longs for Your light. Your servant is still sinning. Bring me back to You, no matter what it takes or how the path unfolds.

Who am I without my constant religious guilt?

May God forgive us.