NEVER FULLY SEEN

Sometimes I wonder what it means to be happy, or better yet, to feel joy. To my understanding, joy is the elder sister of happiness, so I probably know what happiness feels like, but I don't think I know what joy feels like.

Someone once told me I'm a robot just because I don't know how to express my feelings properly (though he thinks I don't have feelings at all). Don't get me wrong, I smile, I laugh, but at times I think I'm just going through the motions.

I don't think I've ever been totally free with anyone except my family, of course. I might have a stick up my arse. But what does that say about me? Is it that I can never be comfortable with people who aren't my siblings, or are people just not sincere enough for me to be comfortable with them?

I always feel conscious whenever I laugh — conscious of how loud my laugh is, of how wide my smile gets, of how much my teeth show. That's why sometimes, no, most times, I put my head down or cover my mouth whenever I laugh. Even now, surrounded by people I don't exactly feel comfortable with, my hand goes straight to my mouth the second I start laughing — conscious of eyes that might be watching, even when there probably aren't any.

There are only a few people who make me less conscious of my environment whenever I'm with them. I think they deserve an honorary mention, but I'm supposed to be mysterious, so... I won't do that.