On Love and Life Vests

The more I think about committed relationships, the more I feel like I'm drowning in an ocean. It starts at surface level-a shallow pool of thoughts I decide to explore. I think about couples. I see everywhere; walking hand in hand, park dates, dinner dates, photo booth pictures, anniversary gifts posted on social media. All the polished, sweet, and oh so romantic façade that are pleasing to the eyes and giddy to the feels. When I think about it it's just like dipping on a knee level water where it's extremely safe and warm to indulge in.

And then I get to the deeper part of the water. You know that area where you say 'Oh, it doesn't look deep, let me get there', but then you get there and suddenly the water is up to your chin. It's still safe but it's uncomfortable. That's how I feel when I get into thinking about a deeper layer of a relationship. The part where the couple has to compromise, the tensions they have to tweak, the challenges they have to break through. All of these are normal parts of a growing and serious relationship but I can't deny that imagining myself in one terrifies me. What if it doesn't work? What if it'll ask more than you can offer? What if it breaks you? What if what used to be late night texts turn into a blocked contact? What if I drown?

And then I get to the part where I cannot touch the floor anymore and I'm just treading in the waters. Take note, I am not good at treading. I get to the fact that in order to get into a relationship, one's heart must open for another. You have to lower your walls, you have to trust, you have to be open and be vulnerable. You have to be yourself. If you know yourself and you like the way you are, this part should be easy. But this part is the hardest for me, it makes me feel like I am in the middle of the ocean struggling to stay afloat. A healthy committed relationship will surely bring the best out of you. However, it can also make you show the parts you keep hidden, the things photobooth pictures don't show-how you get angry, the way you get pissed, the way you can cry over the smallest things, the way you sometimes be mean when you're not in the mood. Thinking about these brings out so many questions like they're stormy tidal waves. What if they won't like me as i am? What if I'll happen to love them more as I do myself? What if the moment I open up they leave?

If just thinking about the layers of a relationship drowns me already, how much more if i have one of my own? I couldn't help but wonder... is there a life vest to help navigate these waters or do I really need to learn how to swim first?