My Legs Refused to Float and It Taught Me Something Embarrassing About My Life

2 months back I decided to learn swimming. I went to the class with the feeling that after the 13 days course I'll be a stroke master, gliding through water like a dolphin!

But well first day in, it broke all my misconceptions! Swimming was not like learning any other activity or becoming a fish! Don't get me wrong I am not afraid of water, I have been to water parks, did water rides, played in pools and never have I ever been afraid of water, so it's not the usual "getting over my fears" trope, if at all I love water! I was as overconfident as I sound here, I felt as if after 13 days they'll ask me to try out for the teams!

The first day came and I was enjoying, chatting, figuring out instructor's Tamil. Then she suddenly said "touch the wall"(easy) and "lift your legs up!"(looked easy?!). Everybody did it so casually that I went in with full confidence and pulled my legs up, simple right ? NO! My legs just didn't come up! It was as if someone has glued my legs to the floor. I was trying, pulling them with all I had but couldn't. It felt as if I had some problem. I thought I haven't ever done any workout and here was the result- I just can't lift up my body. As I was questioning my life choices, the instructor came and pulled my legs up with her hands and they came up quite easily (sigh! At least no physical problems!). But as soon as she stopped holding my legs, again the same, my legs just fell down and glue to the floor again.

While I am figuring this shit out somehow, putting all the pressure, all the physics, all the efforts in; she instructed us to "float in the water". Yes! float! without support! Is she mad or what ? Has she ever taught anyone before? What the hell is she up to? But to my surprise everyone did it quite effortlessly! Have they learnt swimming before? Am I too old for this now ? Will I never learnt to swim? But no, another woman much older than me (like married having kids and not too athletic type) is doing it and she also hasn't ever learnt swimming- just like me:) What the hell? What is this universe?

What's wrong with me ? Do these people have a superpower?

They actually did! Standing there embarrassed, dejected and sad, I started observing these superwomen. I saw something very simple. All those floating fairies had one thing in common- they didn't try too hard.

They just simply relaxed and let go of control.

They didn't push too hard, they didn't use any techniques. They were there just with the water, not trying to overcome it. They just stopped resisting something that was already willing to hold them. When you tense up, grip, and try to control every muscle (which is exactly what I was doing ) you sink. The water doesn't care how hard you try. It responds to surrender, not effort. Everyone who floated that day wasn't stronger or more athletic than me. They just had a very important skill- TRUST.

I stood there, legs on the floor, and it hit me I know this feeling. This exact feeling. The trying too hard, the tensing up, the controlling every variable and still sinking. I've felt this my whole life, just never this literally.

I have always tried to control each and every relationship, work, timeline, emotion. At that time, this control feels important it keeps me on my foot, keeps me prepared and protects me from failing! It seems like this control keeps me afloat. Ironically, it's exactly what's been making me sink. In the pool and outside it, the math is the same: the harder you hold, the less it works. The water doesn't respond to effort. Neither does life, really. Both of them respond to trust. And trust means giving up control before you have any proof you'll be held.

This very variable has held me back in my life, always. Whenever, I like someone I don't trust them enough to actually put in an effort in the relationship. So what do I do? I just stand on my ground, overthink every movement and just sink alone believing that it was the water's fault in its inability to hold me :)

But slowly I realised that it's not the water's incapability of holding me but my incapability of letting myself off the ground. So I breathe, I try, I put my mouth inside the water and "make bubbles"(as my instructor told me - the activity which I never understood but I guess is to help us relax). I stopped thinking about the technique, people watching me or me failing. I just make bubbles, let my body go loose, and let the water do what it was always willing to do. I turn around, hold the wall, take a breath, and slowly pull my legs up.

Guess what ? I could not just pull my legs up, slowly I could even float! Quite easily!

Not always, though. Sometimes I panic halfway through, my foot shoots down looking for the ground, and a five-foot pool suddenly feels bottomless. I lose it and sink for a second before I remember to just relax again. But I know now what floating feels like, and that's different from knowing it in theory.

Outside the pool it's harder, obviously. People aren't water, they move, they lie sometimes, they're not still and unbiased the way water is. Trusting them doesn't come with the same guarantee.

I'll still tense up. I'll still grip too hard and sink in some relationship or deadline or fear, the way I always have. But I keep going back to class anyway, panicking and floating and panicking again. Maybe that's the whole point!

Not that I've learned to trust, but that I keep choosing to practice it, even on the days I sink.

The pool is still five feet deep. Some days I still can't tell.