What I Thought We Could Be

I never said I loved you, but that doesn't mean what I felt for you wasn't genuine. I cared about you in ways I wasn't even used to, and for once, I allowed myself to be vulnerable with someone despite knowing how much it could hurt me.

I tried to understand you, even when I didn't fully understand what was happening between us. I was willing to take things slowly, to learn more about you, and to see where things could go because I genuinely thought you were worth getting to know beyond the initial excitement. I spent so much time building walls around myself that I eventually got used to keeping people at a distance. I thought it was easier that way, not having to worry about getting attached or what would happen if someone decided to leave. But then you came into my life, and for once, I found myself willing to take that chance. I started letting you in, even with all the fears I had kept to myself.

And now, after everything that happened, I can't help but wonder… how am I supposed to find the courage to let someone in again when I'm scared of going through the same thing?

I also wonder if that's all I ever was to you. Just someone you enjoyed getting to know until the excitement wore off, until things became more complicated than you expected, until trying no longer felt as easy as it did in the beginning.

And I think that's the part I can't wrap my head around. How can someone who once wanted to try with you suddenly decide that you're no longer worth the effort?

Is that how you see me? Because I don't see you that way. I don't think getting to know the difficult parts of someone automatically makes them less worth choosing. And that's why, even when things got complicated, I kept choosing you.

I know I wasn't perfect, we're not that perfect. And I know there were things about me that you struggled to understand. But I thought we could work through those things instead of letting them become the reason we stopped trying.

But I got tired too. I couldn't keep being the only one who wanted to make things work, and I couldn't keep fighting for something when I didn't even know if you still wanted the same thing. And that's why I eventually chose to end things, even if it wasn't what I truly wanted. I thought that by giving you space, by finally letting go a little, it wouldn't necessarily mean losing you. I thought maybe you'd come closer, that you'd try to meet me halfway, that you'd show me you still wanted this as much as I did. I never thought that choosing to step back would mean losing you completely. And it hurts because a part of me was still hoping you'd give me a reason to stay even when I was the one who finally decided to end things.

And maybe I'm taking this too personally, but I can't help wondering if there's something about me that made you change your mind so easily.

Was I not worth getting to know a little longer? Was what we had not worth giving a genuine chance?

And no, I don't regret letting you in. Maybe I just hate that I finally allowed myself to do something I've been so scared of for so long, only to find myself doubting everything all over again... if I should've kept my walls up in the first place.