Am I Overthinking? Am I the Problem? Or My Gut Is Right?

Eyes, eyes, eyes… there're eyes around you. All types of eyes. But mostly the negative kind. They say evil eyes are real. Maybe it is true. But what I've noticed a lot is that the people you think are your "own people" have far more negative eyes for you.

You are simply being honest and sharing your thoughts, and you notice an aunty, the very person you think loves you because you're close relatives, watching you quietly with a spark of judgment. Then, you notice their thoughts and speech, and realize… oh, they are all hypocrites (sorry to say). Their children, whom you think are your close ones so that you can be youuuu with them, also watch you with the same kind of weird judgment their elders do. At that point, what can you do? At that moment, you only feel disgust toward such people.

For me, being open and honest is a kind of satisfaction. I am the one who values being open and candid rather than being secretly clever. And the downside of being open with them feels like a sin. As if you are from another universe or you are committing sins, and they are so pious. But if they are really pious, how can they judge you for being you? They shouldn't! But unfortunately, they do.

At that point, I tell myself to protect my peace from such judgmental eyes and sick minds. But I find it so difficult. How can I erase my real self when I speak out my thoughts in front of others? How can I act according to their mentality when all I have to offer is my honesty?

I have been afraid of such people, but then I realized life is so full of people with various kinds of eyes and mindsets, so I must meet such individuals. But the thing I can do is… protect my peace by ignoring the ignorance and being confident in myself.

Another brutal part is that I don't feel safe with my close friends either. I have watched their eyes and actions too. And I tried to convince myself that "No, this isn't true; maybe I'm overthinking." But how can I deny it when my gut constantly tells me to be aware? Be protected from them. It constantly warns me to protect my vulnerability.

But I'm dumb, I guess. Every time they are good to me, or tell me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to them or whatever like this, I give myself hints that I'm in a safe place. And so, whatever thing bothers me, I just share my problem with them, only to face the exhausting outcomes afterwards. And so, I distance myself from them. I'm not in a safe place. I'm not targeting anyone in particular. I'm simply describing what I experience.

Idk if there's something wrong with meeee, or others? But whenever I get home after an outing, meeting any of my friends, or attending any event or function, the exhaustion is must. Not physical tiredness, but mental and emotional tiredness. Whenever I get home from any of these events, the weeping is a must. The crying is real. The exhaustion is real. The people I interact with always give me reasons to feel overwhelmed, intentionally or unintentionally. And the pain is that most people are my close ones :')

Whenever I went to see any of my friends, I cried after coming home, not because I missed them, but because I absorbed something I shouldn't. I feel like keeping my distance from them. This is the very reason I believe friends must maintain their distance, or their image will be distorted.

You know, there's a friend of mine; she's a doctor by profession, and she's older than me. We met through an online med-study platform. One day, she texted me. From that day, we started having late-night conversations. I loved how we shared our perspectives on topics like Life, Personalities, Human behavior, opinions, etc. Eventually, I started considering her my friend. I saved her contact as "Dr. Buddy ❤." There was a time when I wanted to meet her in person. But then, I said No, don't meet her. Because, somewhere deep inside me, I had this thought that we won't be the same anymore. She's a beautiful soul. And I don't want to doubt her purity. Because I know if I meet her, I'll notice the deepest of minute changes in her behavior, and my brain will find reasons to feel tired, and to be honest, I don't want it. I want to admire her, always. So I don't want to meet her. (tbh, I want to meet her and enjoy myself with her, but I'm afraid of meeting too :'))

It's not that they are all wrong or bad. It's just that they feel I overanalyze the moments, and so maybe I'm the problem sometimes. I overabsorb the minute changes in their attitude, and the weather around me starts becoming suffocating, and I start feeling hatred and disgust. So yes, maybe I ammm the problem. :') (???)

Inscribed-Echoes.