I Am Done Apologizing for Existing

This is another part of the story…

… … I have spent nearly half a century playing an exhausting game… bending over backwards to put everyone else first… trying desperately to fit into a mold that was never built for me… And honestly? I am done!

From the outside looking in, my life seems perfect. I have a great job, I live in beautiful Spain, and by most standards, I have everything anyone could ever ask for. People see that picture and think…. ….. …. why on earth would he complain?

Perish the thought. I'm supposed to just nod, smile, and act like I engineered every bit of it.

If you look at my actual daily life behind that picture, it's a wonder I'm even standing.

I carry a heavy mix of severe depression, ADHD, PTSD, OCD, migraines, and relentless tinnitus. It's like living inside a system that is constantly short-circuiting. Tinnitus rings like a high-pitched alarm, base sound and ocean waves in the background, amplifying every bit of sensory overload from the ADHD and the hair-trigger hypervigilance of my PTSD. Add the rigid mental loops of OCD and the heavy drain of severe depression, and waking up every day feels like running a marathon before my feet even hit the floor. Waking up in physical pain from a migraine on top of it all means I am running on empty before the day has even truly begun… …

For most of my life… my survival strategy was simple… keep everyone else comfortable. I learned to suppress my own signals, swallow my pain, and meticulously police my own behaviour so no one else would feel awkward. Often unsuccessfully. I've approached my health with the precision of an architect…. studying medications until I became an expert on what works, trying every therapy, meditation, and mindfulness exercise known to humanity…

Yet… despite all that relentless effort, the script never changes. When my nervous system hits its absolute limit and I express distress or overwhelm, people don't see the internal war I'm fighting. They just look at me and call me "out of control," "crazy," or "rude." They are uncomfortable with behavior they refuse to understand. For years, I've tortured myself trying to fix these "flaws," trying to make myself palatable to a society that demands perfection and calm at all costs. Here again…. with many unsuccessful attempts…

Well, after spending nearly half a century pleasing people and trying to fit… it's time for me to be me… And here to everyone I know… love me or hate me, I don't care anymore.

I still live in the quiet delusion that there might actually be someone out there who will truly understand me. And don't get me wrong, this is not me crying for help. This is me drawing a line in the sand. This is me stopping trying to fit or pretend that I am someone else for the sake of society and the people around me. I am done apologizing for existing the way I am…

And this is just the beginning. The light, polite version of what's coming. From here on out, I'm not holding anything back… and frankly, I don't care how many people get upset or offended along the way.

TBC…