The Fear of Writing This

I have always been VERY reserved. Not just with strangers but even with the people closest to me, there are parts of myself I keep folded up small, private, ALL MINE. So starting this blog has in some ways created some hesitation, some fear, some kind of uncomfortable feeling. I am somehow seeing how amazing this blog can be not just for myself but for others, yet… the fear remains. It is more of feeling so VULNERABLE that it kind of hurts, that it makes me want to run away, that it makes me overthink…. I am still writing because I know I must test this out. I will now be taking the most intimate parts of my life; my marriage, my fears, my kids, the night I finally had the guts to ask a guy out; and putting them somewhere anyone in the world could read.

After I wrote my first post, I was very excited, I loved the way it sounded, I loved how it felt to be able to write such post. Once I wrote the second post, I was still excited, and the words just basically typed themselves, yet… right when I needed to hit publish, something inside of me froze, the fear hit me like a bulldozer! My insecurities kicked in. Am I good at this? Will this work? Will it help someone? Could my words draw you in? Honestly, I do not know and maybe I will never really know. But, one thing I do know for sure is I must try.

We all need that one person that pushes you when you feel low, that one person that tells you how it is, whether you want to hear it or not. I am lucky to have such individuals in my life. I highly advise you find yours. You might already have that person, you just might need to be open to it.

Here is the thing. I believe that this is something closer to: is this really happening? kind of moment or Am I actually doing this? A mix of emotions, slowly stepping outside of who I thought I was.

As I write this, I also believe it is the fear of what would they think of me? What would they say? vulnerability, I tell you!

I think that is what surprises me the most. I expected to feel exposed, and I do, TRUST me, I do! But mostly I feel like I am meeting a version of myself I kept quiet for a long time. The one who has things to say, things to share, the one who has a story worth telling, who does not believe that she has to keep things closed in or intimate anymore, well maybe just some ;)

I do not know yet what it will feel like when people start finding my story. I don't know if the fear will come back. What I do know is that so far, this has opened a door I know I have wanted open for a very long time.

If you ever thought about sharing something real but did not, I get it. I'm right there with you. But so far it has been worth it for me and I hope at some point you can see that too!

You could always just share with me, a stranger with an unbiased opinion.