Full Trust

Full trust. I am going to be very vulnerable for a second. The Lord has been helping me learn how to trust others, because to be perfectly honest, I don't think I fully trust anyone in my life. It has been a hard and heavy lesson to learn, but necessary for growth. Satan has been telling me a lie that if I trust others they are going to violate me — and I have been believing it. My whole life. I don't want to believe that lie anymore. I want to come back changed, ready to give others my trust without holding back. And not only that, I want to trust my family here so that I can fully be walking in the shoes God has hand crafted for me.

The Lord has been telling me that I am here to grow. Which is funny because I thought I was coming here to be the hands and feet of Jesus, to serve others, and help others grow in intimacy and relationship with our Father. I don't think I ever even considered how Jesus wanted to change me. My entire time here leading up to now has been helping others. Serving them physically, mentally, and emotionally. That is what I committed myself to, and it worked. Others know I want to help, and I am a safe space for so many people here. That is one of the biggest blessings in my life, and I value those moments so incredibly much.

But then I came to the end of myself. With the help of others, I realized I was partially putting on a mask. But I didn't see this at first because I have done it my whole life. I have always believed that I need to be strong, to protect and help others on a deeper level. That lead to me realizing that I ignore my own pain and brokenness, pretending that I am okay, in order to be fully present for others. But that's the thing, that doesn't work. I couldn't be fully present with others because I am not fully healed. I wasn't drained, I wasn't tired, I wasn't exhausted, I wasn't anxious or depressed, I wasn't stuck, I was grieving and in need of healing. But I didn't know why, and I didn't know how to behave.

I know that I never fully trust anyone, or allow them to fully know and love me. That is one of the things that I have been and will be working on, on this trip. I am trying to invite others into a space of vulnerability in being honest. Honest about my past, and opening up about what has been done to me, and what I have done. And to be honest, it's been really really hard. It's been hard to even utter the words, let alone allow someone to know the truth. Slowly, I am getting there. Slowly, I am healing.

Fundraising update! I am 80% funded for my entire year. I have $3,430 left to raise to be fully funded. Will you join me in praying about that final 20% coming in? I am believing the Lord will do it His way, and in His timing!