Cardiomalacia

Journeying into college, I've learned a lot of things both academically and within me. Academics, I've learned about medical terms, bones, and many more structures and functions about certain parts of the body. Within accessing a new level of knowledge in medical terms, I stumbled upon a suffix that meant softening, and more terms of organs that were already somehow a little bit familiar, such as the medical name for the heart. Cardiomalacia — a real medical term that meant the abnormal softening of heart tissues. I believe I have developed Cardiomalacia.

I developed Cardiomalacia, not the literal abnormal softness of the heart tissues but just the sudden and severe softness of my heart and me. And it led me to something that I feared the most. I have become soft. The new people, the new environment, and the new way of living made me soft. I hate it so much.

I used to be a strong, independent, and untouchable person. My heart used to be made of diamond that not even a single thing could crush it. My tears used to be so shy, that it can't even pour like the rain. But now, every single and small inconvenience makes my heart ache. Every single change in how certain people act around me makes me want to kill my self. Every single mistake that I make, makes me want to make my arms bleed until they beg to stop. Every single thing makes me want to cry. It is as if the heart that was made with the strongest mineral on earth crushed it with an unknown force that science cannot even explain.

Beginning to develop a soft heart, only made me mourn of the unbreakable organ that I once possessed. The former that was replaced by the latter made the world hard to handle. It made everything overwhelming. It made the loud noises louder, that not even covering the ears was a solution. The soft heart made everything harder. The world had seemed to become cruel, that not even me is my own companion, and it is now hard to find a companion.

Cardiomalacia made everything heavy, that even my own thoughts are a burden to myself. For many, having a soft heart may be good, but for me it is my sign of weakness. The softness of my heart made me weak, that it made me ill. How I wish to surgically implant diamonds in my heart, to make it hard again. But, as for now, I will continue to mourn the cardiosclerosis that I once had.