《滴水之恩，定必湧泉相報》 | A drop of kindness, should be repaid with a spring of gratitude

古人常說：「滴水之恩，定必湧泉相報。」

但「她」不知道的是，在我的世界裡，她隨口的一句真心的關懷、一句習以為常的指導、一次看似公事公辦的提攜，對我而言，都早已不是普通的「滴水」，而是漫過我乾涸靈魂的甘霖。

回想很多年前，在一段時間的宗教聚會後，有一位比我年長的女性，充滿熱誠地對我說：「由今日開始，我做你家姐同埋師傅吖！」我心裡想，像這種鋼鐵直女，她隨口說的一句不帶浪漫情意結的說話，我內心會被觸動到要很小心地用理智處理。

儘管如此，我開始會織頸巾給她，看到好吃的也會想買給她。有特別日子，也會想帶些小禮物🎁給她。她也會禮尚往來，同時我們也會互相交流生活上的想法和得著，有時她不經意的一個真誠擁抱，也會引發我內心的激盪。

慢慢地，我強迫自己要把日久相處後，開始萌芽的愛意強行壓抑下去。有種傷口剛被溫柔對待後，又要再硬生生按下去用痛覺叫自己清醒。

自此之後，我們之間的相處變得拉鋸，她對我的冷漠或忽冷忽熱完全摸不著頭腦。我不是不想以不著痕跡的友情或閨蜜情去維繫，但內心的感情，常像一隻脫韁的馬在奔馳、或難以控制的水喉開關 — — 水流一發不可收拾地噴出來。。。唯一可控的是，與人保持安全距離，才可讓這份「超越界線的愛」連繼續擴大的機會也沒有。

不同的戲碼，在人生不同階段不停重演。。。。

每當她踩著高跟鞋，帶著那股亦師亦友的威嚴走向我，向我真誠地說出有建設性的建議和教導；或分享她對人生、處事的價值觀；又或是對著我交出來的工作方案，冷靜地糾正錯誤時，我彷彿聽到自己的心跳聲，在寧靜的辦公室像裡發出微弱鎚打的響聲。我何等地渴望，我的成長也會令她看重和偏愛，但同時又強迫自己保持理智，盡量不要有越界的情感，這似乎只是她習以為常的工作日常。

日久生情，過多的在意始終難以避免，她的一句讚美和鼓勵，我可以回家開心興奮兩天。她稍為語氣重的一句責備和糾正，或一個嚴肅的眼神，我內心的小劇場又在翻滾兩天。但自此之後，我上班就彷彿全力以赴為了她的肯定和認同。努力背後，比起為生活和事業前途打拼，似乎更在乎她的看法和評價。

我不知如何表達那份湧泉般的心意，只能生硬地除工事以外，保持我認為最安全的距離，再一次用傷害自己的方法，去保護一條我很害怕越過的界線。亦師亦友的上司摸不著頭腦，明明工作關係不錯，為何一到可以靈活發展的友誼，我總有一種難以理解的冷漠無情。我多想對著她咆哮和坦白我的真正恐懼和壓抑，看著她失望的疏遠和無奈的公事公辦，我的心再一次淌血。。。

心理壓力太大時，也試過和身邊的兒時好友分享，她已拍拖多年準備和男友結婚，還憧憬著將來有小孩子來臨時的幸褔。一邊聽著她也一邊安慰著說：「和上司日久生情，也是可以理解的。而且對方這麼大個人也沒甚麼好驚，就算萬一她知道了，也不是甚麼災難吧。但其實你也不用太擔心，說不定不久後你也會遇到一個真正讓你心動的男人呢！」

是的，在某一個歲數之前，我還有這樣一個「乎合社會期望的童話想像」。

直到人生裡有那麼的一刻，我醒覺了，社會怎麼看、別人怎麼看，重要嗎？我可以在我自己接受到的空間裡，忠於自己，尋找我真實所需要的，而不是自欺欺人地白過一生。

我期望有一天，我可以理直氣壯地對著我在乎的人，真誠地說「滴水之恩，小女子定必湧泉相報。」

《飛花》

凌晨同靜望奇幻冰雕亮光你我抱擁於陌生的地方同遊零度下純白色的札幌你說要永遠擁有這夜風光

綿綿頭上飛花散聚了無牽掛誰能求漫天雪地裡這溫暖長留下綿綿頭上飛花能遇上壯麗落霞如像你跟我暫借的火花

為何流下淚沉在一碗熱湯你說你擔心若我不在旁為何還在願望黎明後捉緊曙光你我有過這個故事便至死未忘

綿綿頭上飛花散聚了無牽掛誰能求漫天雪地裡這溫暖長留下綿綿頭上飛花能遇上一次落霞如像你跟我暫借的火花

綿綿頭上飛花散聚了無牽掛誰能求漫天雪地裡這足印不退下綿綿頭上飛花能遇上一次落霞如像你跟我暫借的火花懷念那一剎耀眼的火花

📬 思想交換信箱：lightgleaner@proton.me

如果妳也身在香港，剛好讀了這篇海嘯思潮的文章，歡迎來信交流。不論是探討關係、政治、音樂或旅遊，我都期待著。

The ancients often said, "A drop of kindness, should be repaid with a spring of gratitude."

Yet, what "she" did not realize was that in my world, her casual words of sincere concern, her routine guidance, and her seemingly strictly professional acts of mentorship were far more than mere "drops of kindness"; they were life-giving rain washing over my parched soul.

Looking back many years ago, after a religious gathering for a while, a lady a few years older than me said to me passionately, "From today on, I will be your elder sister and mentor!"

I found myself thinking: with a straight woman like her, even a casual remark — devoid of any romantic affection — could stir something deep within me, forcing me to carefully process it with my rational mind.

Nevertheless, I would start knitting a scarf for her, and would buy something delicious for her after I tasted it with satisfaction. On special occasions, I would also like to bring her some special little gifts 🎁. She also reciprocated politely, and at the same time we exchanged ideas and gains in life with each other, and sometimes her inadvertent sincere hug could also trigger sentimental turbulence in me.

Gradually, I forced myself to suppress the love that had begun to sprout after being close for a long enough time. It was like there was a wound just being treated gently, and then you had to press hard against it to impose pain so as to keep yourself sober-minded.

From then on, our relationship became strained; she was completely baffled by my coldness or unpredictable behavior of being hot and cold. It wasn't that I didn't want to maintain a subtle, unassuming friendship or a closer bond of sisterhood; yet, the emotions within often raced like a wild horse breaking free from its reins, or gushed forth like water from a tap that has spun out of control — an unstoppable spring. The only thing within my control was to keep a safe distance from others, thereby to prevent this "love that crossed the boundaries" to have any chance to expand further.

Similar scenarios re-played over and over again at various stages of life…

Whenever she walked toward me in her high heels — exuding an air of authority and acting both as a mentor and companion — to offer sincere, constructive advice and guidance; or to share her values regarding life and conduct; or even to calmly correct errors in the work proposals I had submitted — I could almost hear the sound of my pounding heart, its faint, rhythmic thuds echoing through the quiet office. How much I desired that my growth would be valued by her with weight and favor, yet I simultaneously forced myself to remain rational and avoid crossing emotional boundaries — for to her, this all seemed to be nothing more than the routine of her daily professional work.

As love grew over time, it became inevitable that I started to care too much about her. A single word of praise or encouragement from her could keep me happy and excited for days; conversely, a slightly stern rebuke, a minor correction, or even a serious look from her would send my mind into a whirlwind of anxiety for just as long. From that point on, it felt as though I was pouring my all into my work solely to earn her approval and recognition. Beneath that effort, I seemed to care far more about her opinion and assessment than I did these to thrive for my livelihood or career prospects.

I didn't know how to express my overflowing feelings, so I could only awkwardly maintain what I considered the safest distance, not much extra interactions except for what our work demanded, once again inflicted hurt on myself in order to safeguard a boundary I was terrified to cross.

The boss, who was both a mentor and a friend, was completely baffled by my behavior. We had a harmonious working relationship, yet whenever the dynamic shifted toward a more flexible, workplace friendship, there was an inexplicable coldness and detachment from my side.

How I longed to confess my true fear and suppression to her; yet, watching her drifted away in disappointment and retreated into a pure official business manner, my heart bled once again…

When the pressure became overwhelming, I tried sharing my feelings with a friend from childhood. She had been in a long-term love relationship and was preparing to marry her boyfriend, also happily looking forward to the day when they might have children in the future.

She offered comfort to me when listening to my sharing,

"It's understandable to feel a growing love for a boss after working together for so long. Besides, she's a grown woman — she would not be so scared even if she discovered your affection, it would not be such a big deal like a disaster. But actually, you don't need to worry too much as well; who knows? You might very soon meet a man who truly makes your heart skip a beat !"

Indeed, up to a certain age, I still held onto that "fairy-tale fantasy that aligned with societal expectations."

Then there came a moment of realization: Does it really matter so much how society or others view me? Within the space available to me, I can remain true to myself and discover what I genuinely need, rather than living in self-deception for the rest of my life.

I hope that one day, I can look at the person I care so much about and sincerely say to her, "For a drop of kindness, I am ready to repay you with a spring of gratitude and love."

《Flying Petals》

In the quiet of early morning, we gaze at the glowing, fantastical ice sculptures, You and I, locked in an embrace in a land far from home. Wandering together through a pure white Sapporo in sub-zero temperatures, You say you want to hold onto the beauty of this night forever.

Soft petals drift overhead, scattering and gathering without a care; Who could ask for this warmth amidst the snow-filled sky to last forever? Soft petals drift overhead; witnessing a magnificent sunset, Just like the fleeting spark shared between you and me.

Why do tears fall, dissolving into a bowl of hot soup? You say you worry about what might happen if I weren't by your side. Why do we still wish to grasp the dawn's first light when day breaks? Having shared this story, we shall remember it until our dying day.

Soft petals drift overhead, scattering and gathering without a care; Who could ask for this warmth amidst the snow-filled sky to last forever? Soft petals drift overhead; witnessing a sunset, Just like the fleeting spark shared between you and me.

Soft petals drift overhead, scattering and gathering without a care; Who could ask for these footprints in the snow to never fade away? Soft petals drift overhead; witnessing a sunset, Just like the fleeting spark shared between you and me — Cherishing that moment, that dazzling spark.

📬 Exchange of Ideas: lightgleaner@proton.me

If you happen to be in Hong Kong and have read this article on the "Tsunami of Thought," please feel free to write in and connect. Whether the topic is about relationships, politics, music, or travel, I look forward to hearing from you.

Contents

《從社會的童話醒來：我那生硬的冷漠裡，藏著對妳最深情湧泉般的愛》｜ Waking from the Social Fairy Tale: Inside My Stiff Coldness Lies a Bursting Spring of Love for You (Written in Cantonese & English)