today, i looked within.

i was at work today thinking about what my friends would say if someone ever asked them "so how would you describe victoria?" i can think of mimi calling me impulsive, jas will probably say im present, peace will call me a good listener that is distant, fola will call me a very funny woman and mayam will tell you i love glosses. while all this is true, if you asked me i will probably smile and give you something else to talk about besides myself.

because the truth is i do not think i know myself. i have lived with the fear of being perceived by others for so long and i have masked who i truly am in so many white lies and silence that i can never truly say i know who i am.

but here is what i know.

hi, my name is victoria. i am a bts army who loves badbunny and joé dwèt filè. i have 3 siblings, two big brothers and a younger sister. i am half nigerian, half chadian. i grew up in a christian home with parents who did their very best to make sure their kids had a roof over their heads, 3square meals and good education. they did amazing and i will always be grateful to them but was i still a bit of a rebel? well yes.

its hard not to be when i was getting molested by my uncle from age 5 till 10.

no one knows this but me and i can sit here and tell you i have no reason for telling anyone but deep down i know its because i have tried to erase every trace of it from my being. in doing so i was tampering with my identity as a survivor from something so horrific to protect an abuser that does not deserve it. so hi again, my name is victoria and i am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

i have used silence to run away from difficult conversations all my life. i remember getting into it with my friend about three years ago and it was about how i go completely mute for as long as i want for no reason at all and it got on her last nerves, this same conversation happened this year in February with another friend and thats when it dawned on me. everytime something makes me unhappy, i choose silence. sometimes i end up talking about it but other times i would much rather be in my head, it is my definition of keeping the peace and not bothering anyone. ironically, all i did was keep my people bothered and wondering if i cared enough to talk to them about what was going on in my life.

this is not an excuse for my bad behaviour but do you see the pattern?

i am learning that my mistakes are only a part of my story, i am learning to live past them and make new ones that i will not think define me but think about them as pleasures but sometimes i can't help think about some of my favourite people with whom i have shared my most intimate moments with, will they still love me if they knew the choices i have made, the things i have done and the ugliness i feel when i go through life?

if you heard every single thought in my head would you still love me? lets find out.

i turn 26 in a few months and i have decided to get out of my head and write how im relearning how to live life one truth and one pleasurable mistake at a time.

hi, i'm victoria and today i looked within.