29 Internet Terms that Confuse Old Farts Like Me

BIG INTERNET BRAIN & DIGITAL LIFE

I'm pretty tech literate for an older Boomer. I was steeped in IT jargon early on; I ran a marketing firm that worked with software and hardware companies before the online world even existed.

Then I was part of the first wave of internet adoption. I remember AOL modem dialup connectivity, CompuServe messaging and Netscape web browsing. Even back then, internet terminology was confusing.

Today, old farts like me wrestle with internet words that sure as hell don't mean what they used to mean. Some terms are like a foreign language altogether, as if the online world is conspiring against us.

Here's how old-timers might interpret these alien forms of communication.

1. Cookies: Chocolate chip are my favorite, and I don't need anybody tracking how many I eat
2. Spam: What's for dinner when you can't afford grocery store prices
3. Bluetooth: No amount of whitening gel will fix that
4. The Cloud: The Cloud might very well produce The Rain, or even The Hail or The Snow
5. Browser: A casual shopper
6. App: I'm not that hungry tonight, so I'll skip it
7. Pop Up: What happens to toast when it's done
8. Firmware: A bra with lifts
9. Ransomware: The place a kidnapper tells you to leave the money
10. Malware: The outfit your friend Mal has on
11. Upload and Download: The number of people in an elevator going in either direction
12. Anti-virus: A shot in the arm
13. Scroll: A list of people who got bilked by a cybercriminal
14. Link: Pork sausage (singular)
15. Hyperlinks: Lots of pork sausages (a whole shitload of 'em)
16. Address bar: A fancy place to get a drink
17. Search bar: What guys do when they want a drink
18. Streaming: What guys do when they've had too much to drink
19. Web address: Where Spiderman resides
20. Tabs: Sections in a looseleaf binder
21. Phishing: Catching a concert with a rock group from the 1990s
22. Chrome: The shiny stuff on a classic car
23. JPEG: It's impossible to put a J peg into a K hole
24. Flash drive: A sexual predator's pickup truck
25. Algorithm: A former presidential candidate who keeps time to the music
26. Multi-Factor Authentication: Checking to see if someone's old enough to drink or smoke
27. Video chat: A television talk show
28. Back button: A closure on the rear of a dress
29. Cache: Being rapidly replaced by debit and credit cards

Any additions, especially from old farts, will be happily accepted. After all, you don't want to experience FOMO.

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