Was I really just an object to you?

I've ran through this conversation hundreds of times in my mind, trying to piece together what I wanted to say to you. But there's really no other way to sugar coat this, so I'm just going to say it for what it is.

Do you still remember me back in our primary school days? We were in the same tuition together. I've watched you befriend Wilma and I wanted to be your friend too. But you never once looked at me. The only time you talked to me was to ask me to do your homework for you, which I understood, since your school gave crazy amounts of homework compared to mine.

I was honestly happy to do them for you because I thought that a good friend helps each other and this was something I could do to help you. But I also admit that I was doing it in hopes that you would treat me as a friend in return. But you never did.

Each time I finished a set of homework for you, you just took the books out of my hands and said "thanks" so casually and without even looking at me when you said it. I felt the emptiness in your words.

Although it wasn't everyday that you asked for help, but it was enough times to make me feel like you only saw me as just an object. And my functionality or my existence in your life is of no benefit to you beyond that point. It really hurt me deeply, but I chose not to confront you about it since I thought that maybe I won't see you anymore once we entered high school.

And then, my mum enrolled me into the same high school as you. Please know that it wasn't my decision to go to this school (FYI: I don't blame my mum for it either, she was just thinking of what's best for me and I respected her decision, that was all it was).

And I could never bring myself to approach you throughout our high school days because of two reasons.

Number 1: I still had undealt negative emotions lingered towards you and I knew that they couldn't be expressed directly at you because I've observed the people you prefered to talk to and they were all gossipers. I knew that you didn't really have much of a reputation of being a gossiper, but I've observed you long enough to identify that you were the kind that would gossip amongst a close nit group of friends, like a quiet softer approach to gossiping. And I guess it was easy for you to keep up with that facade since you had a few other friends who were openly and boldly claiming that they were gossipers. And just the thought of expressing my heart out to you, while knowing it might trigger uncomfortable feelings, would risk me loosing peaceful days in high school. So the most emotionally strategic course of action was to burry the feelings deep inside. But I can't fake how I feel towards you either, so the most I could do is to try to steer clear of your path and act like total strangers.

Number 2: I'm not sure if you're aware of this trait that you have, but you have a tendency to use someone that looks less attractive or smarter than you to boost your impression towards others. I actually didn't realise this until I noticed you being exceptionally close to Jaslyn which is somewhat similar to what you did with Wilma back at the tuition. So when people made comparisons, at first glance, you would look like the "angel" or "good girl image" so to say. But I saw beyond that mask, and I couldn't find it in me to trust you with my heart. So we just steered clear of each other's path for our entire high school years. And I thought that was it, we would graduate and move on with our lives.

Then University came, we somehow ended up in the same University and started dating our boyfriends who have later on become our husbands.

And by some twisted fate, my husband and your husband knew each other from their own city and high school just like we did. The only difference is that they were on good terms and shared similar friend circles.

But at that time, I didn't think much of it. And soon, the feeling between us became more like a, "You don't touch me and I don't touch you." which worked for the entire duration of Uni life.

Then, we both moved to the same city where our husbands are and for the first time in so many years, I made the mistake of telling their circle of friends that I didn't like you. I didn't want to tell them the reason out of respect for your image because I knew how much it meant to you. I was hoping that maybe I could talk to you privately, one-to-one when I mustered enough courage to face you about all that I've pent up all these years.

So one day, I saw an opportunity and I approached you to ask if we could go outside to speak privately. You gave the excuse that you needed to ask your husband first since you guys might go back early. But, you went to another girl's table and the 3 of you started talking to each other.

And then I spotted one of your friend looking at me and that's when I knew, I've messed up. Even worse, you guys stayed until really late and throughout that entire time, you never once came to approach me. Never once did you even try to ask what was it that I wanted to talk with you about. Nothing.

You just showed like a pitiful facial expression on the way out of the door, as if I was the one that bullied you.

So I took this as your answer. What kind of friend would you be if you can't even give me the safe space and time to share this with you? All I did was ask you to step outside and talk to you in private, which you can't even give me. That's how I knew, you never once saw me. You only saw me as an object.

And what I can't fathom is the fact that you are going to be a mother soon. And I can't help but wonder, if your child were to experience what I've experienced from you, would it break your heart?