What do you do when you feel lonely?

It took some time (and some personal courage) to accept the fact that even though there must be 100+ ways to talk to connect to family, friends and strangers…I still feel lonely from time to time.

And for me, it all comes to the quality of that connection. I understand that growing up comes with a lot of new responsibilities to juggle. But somehow, there's something in me that cares a lot about my personal relationships. This is something that has taken more protagonism in my life as I've grown. Things and people that I would take for granted started becoming more evidently important. What I didn't considerate is that we all can grow in different directions. And what I've noticed is that not everyone cares as much for the same things.

One day I questioned what kept alive some of my favorite relationships in my life. And a thought that hurt came to mind:

"If I stop feeding these relationships, they will probably fade away."

An awful truth and proof that I wasn't living the type of social experiences that I wanted to. I didn't want to be begging, following up constantly with no reciprocity, needing to confirm and re confirm attendance from friends for a simple social gathering. Or calling and sometimes not even getting a courtesy text back saying: "Sorry I missed your call, everything's ok? What's up?"

The ugly truth that I chose to believe is that: Some of your loved ones just don't care as much as you. And even though it hurts, it really liberated me from the silly obligation to stay in a place I'm not truly appreciated the way I want.

Not because I'm super special or extra important, but because of what I'm offering. I'm offering love, the opportunity to play, exchange ideas, hear someone out, hold space for each other. And those are beautiful things that can't be wasted on people that don't really want them from you (or at all).

So, I came up with a plan of 5 steps that would bring me closer to the type of friendships and the human closeness I wish to keep brining into my life.

Step #1: Talk to your therapist about it. In less than two weeks, I scheduled three appointments with her. I had a lot to let out and some secret strong insecurities hiding behind this all:

"What if I'm asking for too much?"

Sheila gifted me with something I would've never thought of asking for: validation. She embraced the things I shared that hurt by simply saying: "This is completely understandable".

And even though she's never done this, she expressed having similar thoughts of how sadly some relationships just don't turn out to be the way we imagined. I know for some therapy is a luxury. But if you have access to it, use it. It heals in so many ways that it's worth every penny. Plus, who better to talk to than someone that has nothing to do with what's bringing you down?

Step #2: Grief of the old expectations. This might come out as a morbid practice, but I decided to let go of anything I was having a hard time accepting had changed. People, views on life and the interest to keep each other in our lives. All these things change constantly. And maybe they had already for some time and I hadn't noticed. That's why I grieved the old memories, the old ways and with that…the expectations around certain relationships. It wasn't about letting go of what I wanted from friendship but more about stop insisting that this had to apply to specific people in my life.

I don't think we talk about it enough, but everyone experiences friendship breakups and some of them hurt. It doesn't require a fight to lose someone. Sometimes they just decide to let go of us without telling us when or even why. This is why the grief stage was important. A part of me had taken for granted their participation in my life and now that feels like a mistake. Relationships are built by people's energy. And we can't deny that energy's natural state is a flowing one. Some of the energy we shared, now belongs somewhere else. And that was my cue to embrace the end of a chapter and the opportunity to begin a new one.

Step #3: Refocus of your energy. You always have the choice to give specific meaning to the things that happen to you in life. One of the most important questions in my life is this one:

"Where are you going to put your focus on? Will it be on what you lost or on what you have?"

It's true that when you experience sadness, it kind of makes everything else that is sad in your life stand out. It's like that example of the red car: If you buy a red car or you're thinking about it…you're going to suddenly notice a lot of them circulating everywhere you go. Sadness attracts more sadness. Why? I guess like anything, it likes the attention, so it keeps trying to grow.

But the good news is that a moment of sadness can also be just that. A moment. A minute. Or maybe several of discomfort. And then comes whatever you want. I started to think about the people that today corresponded my love and friendship in the same way I like to do so. I thought of my mom, some of my childhood friends and some of my recent friendships. People that are so special to me because we are under no obligation of doing all the things we do to keep each other in our lives.

Step #4: Be real to yourself (and with your past too). Being on the receiver-end of indifference or a breakup, hurts. But I realized how I had done the same to others. I'm not the type that simply disappears or will ever ignore a text, but I didn't correspond everyone's love to me in the way I could have. I remembered friends that loved me so much from day #1. That held space for me, trusted me, included me in their lives rapidly. Or I remembered others that despite the distance, would always be following up on me. Some of these people are in the past and I know I missed my chance with them to make it right. But others, are still around. And I want to show up right for them too.

Step #5: Open your heart to new friends (and beginnings). I reframed the believe that the best was behind me. It's easy to fall into the trap of believing that the best of your life is behind you already. Specially as we grow older. But again, who says that's true? What's ahead of me, is unknown and maybe the unknown holds my most favorite future memories.

That's why I decided to open the shop. Meet new people or meet old friends in a different way. I'm ready to start a deep conversation with anyone interested in having one. I downloaded two apps: "Time left" and "Meet up". I love these two options because the first one allows me to meet people in my area and the second one allows me to meet people of my same interests. I've picked French and Writing. So far, I've been to one meeting, where only one dude showed up (kudos to Maurice for not canceling last minute!) and we had a good conversation. Turns out that with the right combination of gratitude, curiosity and self-love meeting new people is fun. I don't ever want my social muscles to forget how to make friends. So, this seems to be the right chapter for me.

Try these things. Loneliness will have no room in your busy hopeful playful life.

With love. Yours truly,

Metafórica.