From a survivor to you,

If you've never failed before you will never recognize how much hold failure can have over your life.

If you've never failed an exam before you might never recognize the toll it takes on your mental health and possibly your life.

For the longest time, I stopped believing I was brilliant or that I was the kind of person that could do hard stuff, that could pass quizzes, exams, etc, that could learn new things, that could be excellent at things. The list is endless. And it started with just one exam.

It's the things nobody tells you. That one exam could change the trajectory of your life.

I used to be academically smart. Through out nursery, primary and junior secondary I was the type of student that almost never made it passed first 3. If I say, "In my time I used to be the first." It wouldn't be an exaggeration or a deceit.

However, life will always life and the constant moving that we did in my childhood (courtesy of my Preacher father) started to affect me. But it's first attack was not necessarily my academics, however eventually it got to my academics and at some point I began to really really struggle in school.

I remember SS2 vividly, I had changed to a new school again but I was personally excited to be in this school because my old school had been toxic, way too toxic for a 15year old. I was also looking forward to get back my shine academically. The first shock should have been realizing that they had been doing chemistry, physics, and biology from Junior secondary school. I was fairly new to the subjects. My first Biology test was a 3/10 and I had cried blood. The teacher hadn't even taught by my standards but for the rest of the students it was normal because she'd taught them this topic in junior secondary so when she said, "You remember pancreas right? We've learnt it in JSS class? Good. Tear out a sheet of paper." It was such a normal moment for every other person but me.

It was officially my begining of struggling through school and no matter how much I tried, I, who only took a single digit position took double digits throughout that class.

Then there was Jamb, and Waec, and Neco, And the obvious signs that I was definitely going to rewrite Waec.

I still remember how much something as tiny as failing two subjects with a D had crushed every single confidence in me. I remember how I moved from being the most confident person to being the most unsure person in the room. I have been in rooms where people say, "Damn, you're good." but I'm still looking for the good. Especially if there is no tangible result to accompany it.

This has also been the root of most of my problems.

Two nights ago, my boss had spent almost 4mins of his 5mins vn saying, "You're doing so well with what you're doing on my page." and I almost cried.

Everytime people like Deborah, Juju, Lizzy and any of my other friends/sisters tell me how much I'm doing well, I'm almost always moved to tears and maybe when I thank them so much for that they never understand how deep it means to me. But everything traces back to this conversation right now.

Last month, my sister called me with a voice I knew too well and yesterday she walked in with a face I dreaded the most and it broke my heart. It made me feel like ants were crawling on over me.

And when I thought about her and a dozen other students out there in her shoes, in my shoes I couldn't help but think of speaking up in my little corner of the internet.

Dear Students,

Whether you're writing jamb, Waec, a secondary school student, a university student. A student at any level and who can still pass or fail.

I see you. Genuinely.

I know that you can put in all the efforts and still fail.

I know the feeling of doing so much yet the end results look grim.

I know what it feels like to watch your peers move while you're stuck with a resit.

I know what it feels like when you start thinking of how much has been invested in this thing of yours and now you have to rewrite it all over.

I know the feeling of losing all your confidence, of thinking you're not much.

I must also tell you that it is a trap. A loop.

I knew I had telltale signs of depression and insomnia way before my Waec but it was seeing the D7 right beside my Maths and Chemistry that finally pushed them out of the shadows. Suicide had never sounded sweet, self harm was music to my ears. Being smart/intelligent/brilliant was a word I believed should not be attributed to me. Learning anything felt like a waste of time on my part.

But I must tell you again that all of it was a trap.

It didn't feel like it then and I'm sure it doesn't feel like it for you either.

From a survivor to you, You are more than what the papers say. even if it doesn't look like it.

You are not your grade, never will be.

You're so much more than you may like to think right now.

Someday you will look back and be glad you didn't let the voices in your head win.

But I must also beg you.

Fight it! I will tell you what.

Soon enough maybe heavily, maybe quietly you'd never notice but soon enough, this thing will tell on you. Soon enough you will begin to feel inadequate when people compliment you, you will start to feel like you're undeserving of most beautiful things or people.

It may come as fear, it may come as inferiority complex, it may come as low self esteem, it may come as insecurity, it may come as being guarded, it may come as being overly polite, it may come as attachment issues, it may come as detachment issues. Frankly it has so may masks and it could wear anyone including the ones I didn't mention.

So you must start now to fight it.

Fight the voices in your head. Fight the demon in your head. Fight everything, including people.

If you have family who would rather believe you're a failure maybe out of hurt , a family who would blame. Basically a family who will be anything but supportive you must fight it. Not them. Trust me you will not have the energy to fight them.

But you must fight that thing they will unconsciously plant in you.

I could tell you you're this and that but if you do not take it upon yourself to fight your pain. You will remain stuck.

Cry! Scream into your pillow at night! Stay out at 4am wondering "why me". Sit on a lonely pavement and ask God why he allowed this happen to you. Lose appetite. Find solace in novels or games or movies or nothing.

But when you're done, dust your bum and fight it. Not for you now, but for the you in the future. It's easy to not see a future in that state but trust me, there is a future.

Before you let that knife slit your wrist, think of what you could actually do tomorrow if you were not huddled under your covers. If you have so much energy, think of what your 5 years looks like if all things were equal.

Find something or someone to live for. Just one.

It's how I survived.

Here's my secret 101;

I was very active on Facebook at the time and so when everything crashed I would squeeze the life out of my button phone to read novels on Facebook and in addition chatting strangers.

It was easy to chat strangers because I never told anybody I knew my situation. So I could be smiling with a friend and dieing inside so texting strangers on the blue street became my way out. I was lucky enough to meet three amazing humans and one I still keep in touch with.

This one person was also like me. He was depressed, suicidal and we both bonded over Juice Wrld and football. It might sound ridiculous but I lived for him. He gave me a reason to live. The thought process was, if I stayed alive then he'd have more reason to stay alive too. He's own reason was he stayed alive for two other person's in our situation too. I wasn't close to them myself but I'd interacted with them so I understood.

I do not implore you to be like me. But I ask that you find a reason to live.

It's easier. Doesn't even have to be for a person. Think about how you'd miss out on your favorite food or thing. (inserts a shrug)

Most importantly, I strongly believe you're not alone. Not to trust people easily, but even if your family and friends cannot be there for you. I do believe there is someone who can and who will, you both just need to find yourself.

Exams are not the end of you. Learn a skill. Move around. Still have fun. Still prepare for your resit. Even with a heavy heart. Even if it's more than a resit and you need to do over(repeat). Even if the clouds are stormy.

You're not a failure and everything around you can prove it to you. Bet!

The storms will blow over.

The stormy clouds will clear.

The blizzards will cease.

The heavy rock will move.

And you will still be standing.

I'm rooting for you always. every fleeting second.

I see you and I know you will get through this phase too even if it takes five years.

And I always have open ears so you can always come rant here; gemessence001@gmail.com

From a big sister to you.

I hope this letter finds you well.