On Vulnerability

Vulnerability sounds like weakness, right? I mean, sure, the dictionary says: "able to be easily hurt, influenced, or attacked". But outside of the prey-related definition, what about: "Being open, sensitive, or undefended. Sharing your true feelings or fears, which leaves you open to judgment". I think there are multiple facets of emotional vulnerability that are all important. The easy, first aspect is to just share your feelings and emotions and thoughts without worrying what other people will think of you. Though, it may arguably be more vulnerable to share your feelings while worrying what others will think of you — but doing it anyway. I've also realized that in a way, setting boundaries is vulnerable…it sounds weird, but you're sharing what you can and cannot accept — and you don't know what the other person or people will think of you, and they may reject you. It's hard. And I think it's supposed to be. I think that's the whole point in life — not if you "belong" or not, but to proudly proclaim what you want and need and align yourself with others like yourself.

I thought of all of this stuff I wanted to say in my head and was excited to come and write about vulnerability, but now that I'm here… I'm not even sure I'm qualified to speak on this, as someone who's spent years trying to hide all my "bad" parts. Trying is the key word, because you really…can't keep doing that forever, or you'll break — or you'll never learn to actually enjoy and live your life. But then again… pretty much all of my hobbies and interests require some degree of vulnerability.

I'm hopeful that I'll be able to teach very soon with my next job, and even teaching as a college professor requires vulnerability, in the sense that students may ask you questions you don't know how to answer…and you have to be able to admit that "I don't know, but I will find out and get back to you". I also do research which, although it is arguably highly objective and relatively resistant to the volatility of human nature, is difficult because it asks you to submit grant proposals…that will at some point or another, be rejected. You will hear "you're not good enough", and you will hear a lot of difficult things. I also do yoga and am working on becoming a yoga teacher — I'll just be constantly hoping my cues in classes are good enough to understand! And it's an hour or so of…being forced to spend time in your own head. Even if you have the distraction of sweating and pushing yourself physically, I can't take rests and scroll on my phone in between.

I also do stand-up comedy. Talk about vulnerability. Admittedly, I spent maybe the first 4 years fully hiding behind the easy jokes to make as an Asian-American woman. I tried to be clever, I tried to be silly, but there was always this…wall. It was like I didn't even believe in my own jokes, so why would the audience believe I meant them? I recently changed my style to… sharing my actual own thoughts. Shocking, I know! I was nervous for years that "no one wants to hear my thoughts, I get too complex". But then I fully leaned into my silly, slightly insane side and really gave it a go, and it's been great so far. I'm now a comedian who…happens to be an Asian-American woman. I also have a German Shepherd who is reactive to other dogs and I have to face the facts that 1) I kind of caused it as an inexperienced initial GSD owner, and 2) all the failures are mine — not hers — I haven't given her the tools and built her confidence.

So you see, I have ample opportunities every single day at work, at home, at comedy, at the yoga studio, in my own head, to be vulnerable. And I'm certain that I'm so hard on myself to succeed and be perfect, because a lot of people see vulnerability is not a weakness…so I figure, I gotta show them that it's not really a weakness. So I have to go above and beyond and work my ass off to prove myself otherwise. What I've recently learned is that if someone sees vulnerability and authenticity as a weakness or a bad thing, they probably will not even notice how hard you're working. You probably will not change their mind just by showing them — they have to find some way to figure it out for themselves. And you will not do anyone favors by hiding certain parts of you, because it'll all come out eventually. And if it doesn't, you'll be unhappy. Yuck, either way!

I guess if I were to define vulnerability, I would say that it's about:

• A balance between sharing and not hiding emotions, thoughts, problems, boundaries — as in, probably don't over-share with most people, but don't hold it all in, you'll basically die
• Sharing that you need help when you need help
• Accepting the fact that there may or may not be judgment but doing it anyway because it aligns with who you are and what you need and that's the most powerful thing of all.
• Perhaps in the end I'll consider calling it "moderately balanced and selective vulnerability" — not that you're selecting when to be authentic, but being smart and sensible about who you're sharing vulnerably with.

So this is for those who are living their vulnerable truths and those who don't, but maybe want to, or those who are maybe really resistant to it and would like to prove me wrong. I think the lovely part about being human is that we are allowed to have our own feelings & emotions & agency (well, theoretically, compared to some animals and robots, but obviously there are a lot of problems in society that problematically alter what's "allowed"). We're all so different and have had so many life experiences — imagine if no one ever shared their stories, their pains, their difficult moments. Imagine how alone we would all feel. And I don't mean that we need to share every single thought and emotion with everyone, but learning the time & place for it is certainly part of the process.

Vulnerability is important because it helps us connect to others and helps everyone feel less alone. A large part of my emotional turmoil comes from thinking, "I must be the only person to feel this way, I must have such large emotions, I must be the worst". Growing up as someone with large emotions when everyone around me…was more "normal" was very alienating. I felt wrong, incorrect, punished, difficult, weird, annoying, and most of all, lonely. But I distinctly remember writing about speaking to a semi-former friend from my childhood/teenage years (meaning, we do not speak much anymore, not out of malice, we just…grew apart) — and she mentioned that I probably wasn't as "bad" as I thought I was. And that's nice to know, but gooooodness, that would have been helpful to know as a child/teen! So these days, perhaps I aim to be vulnerable because I know how much it hurts to feel lonely — and I don't believe anyone deserves that (unless they do, but whatever). But I think that normalizing having emotions helps others' emotions feel less strong — not to diminish what someone is feeling, but to say, "I know it sucks, but you are not alone".

I think there is a huge cultural aspect to this because in my Chinese culture you hide your weaknesses. You show your knowledge, your humor, and the easily digestible parts, but you hide the "bad". There is a lot of shame and embarrassment within the culture. While the high-pressure culture can lead to success in some ways, something I wrote about before is that the high-pressure culture does not teach you how to fail. It does not show you that sometimes you'll fail, that sometimes you'll have a weakness. It is all "work hard, work harder, but most of all, work the hardest", not the "work hard, play hard" kind of thing you might see here in America. So vulnerability and mental health struggles are not praised — they are seen as shameful. I think that this mindset is slowly changing, but there's still a lot of [inner] work to be done.

Vulnerability is important because it is difficult and it shows strength. And doing hard things is actually kind of really, really fun. Granted, I do love a challenge and a competition, and I love problem-solving, so maybe this is just me. I think it's silly that admitting to having emotions is seen as weakness. I genuinely cannot think of a way to explain why it isn't, aside from saying it's just not the norm to share emotions, so I understand why it might be "weird". I don't mean you should tell everyone every single thing you're ever thinking, but vulnerability in the right place & time makes a really big difference.

Vulnerability is important because you have to choose it every time — you have to choose to trust every time you share something. You are trusting that you won't be rejected as an entire person for one thing — and then you are trusting that if you are rejected, then it was not meant to be in the first place. It is unfortunate to still go through the experience of losing what you never had or what was never meant for you in the first place, but such is life, I suppose.

Vulnerability is important because when you can recognize and share the bad and the difficult, you can celebrate the good and the easy, and the wins. It allows you to experience the full spectrum of human emotions, which I think is important. Emotions are not just…random. They are information, they are guided by instinct, and even though I hate the concept of emotions being a "superpower" sometimes, it really is one. Those of us who are in deep touch with our emotions, those of us who are sensitive and attuned to everything that happens in the universe — I really do think that we live life more out loud and get to enjoy all of the the little things so much more.

Now obviously there's this side of vulnerability that isn't always good. We don't want to make ourselves susceptible to being incredibly hurt and feeling level 100 emotions every single time something difficult occurs. We don't want to just share every single problem & emotion we have without thinking about what they mean first. We still have a responsibility for our actions, but it is not wrong to ask for support. It is not wrong to share when something hurts you, and to expect another person to understand, rather than defend. It is not wrong to share your truth and express your boundaries.

I guess I never shared why I think vulnerability is an essential part of the human experience. I just think that it expands our concept of togetherness, and helps people become more open-minded…if they're wiling to listen, which I suppose is half the battle. But I'm at the age now where connection and compatibility are both equally as important to one another in every part of my life — relationships, friendships, work, hobbies, etc. If I'm not vulnerable and open and truly myself, I know I won't be happy. So maybe this is just a lesson that comes with age, but this is also a lesson to — choose to be intense, be seen as aggressive, be seen as "too much", be a little strange and weird, and be every part of yourself.