The Walls I Built Up

Restrictions aside, because let's face it, they don't actually stop me — I would not let myself. Or I would let myself, and that is why I must erase the mere possibility of its existence.

Because it holds in itself the power to destroy me. And as luck usually has it for me, it would destroy me, inside and out. Because I know how it gets — I have seen my friends cry, go quiet, harm themselves, because they chose the wrong person. And there's no way to tell who is the right person. How could I ever let myself go, like that?

It is much different from taking a risk, like, say, bungee jumping. If anything goes wrong, you will probably be scarred forever and afraid of repeating it anytime soon. If a bungee jump goes wrong, it would be the aerodynamics, the rope, the seller that is wrong. When it is people, you will not know who, or what went wrong. Whether it was you, or them. If a bungee jump goes wrong, you get hurt, or die, doing what you loved. You can power through the healing because it was fate. It could have been anyone, but it was you, so this must be your path. If a relationship goes wrong, you will survive and always find yourself wondering if it was you. Because a relationship is not physics or fate, it's people.

So, I am, in effect, protecting myself. Even though I wonder how it feels to be close to someone like that. I want to know how it feels. But in the foreseeable future, I won't be finding out. Because they already say I feel too much. I don't want to find out just how much.

(Of course, all of this is one way of saying that I am too selective; and just too scared to confess to my probably unrequited and definitely impractical crush.)