Vulnerability Is Another Word For Confidence, And Women Love It

Women don't want the kind of confidence that comes at the expense of emotional honesty.

Most men believe that women want James Bond: an effortlessly cool, calm and collected man whose confidence is surpassed only by his love of danger. Women want no such thing. First, most women aren't really into danger, because evolutionarily they don't want the potential father of their children to die in an extreme sports accident. But they also don't want the kind of confidence that comes at the expense of emotional honesty. Confidence without emotional openness is really just arrogance, and women hate arrogance.

Confidence doesn't mean never showing fear, sadness, or anxiety. A confident man can certainly say, "I am doubting my ability to do X" or "I'm anxious about my presentation tomorrow." Confidence doesn't mean narcissism, or thinking you're great at everything when you're not. It doesn't mean acting superior, arrogant, and like this guy, "Mr. Perfect." True confidence is feeling that you are a person worthy of basic respect and you're a pretty okay person, and therefore you deserve to be able to say whatever you are thinking or feeling. This is why vulnerability, and expressing your emotions genuinely in real time, is the ultimate level of confidence.

Men who try to act calm when they actually feel scared or confident when they feel insecure are not being honest and real. They downplay normal human emotions that would make their wives empathize with them and want to comfort them, because they think women despise weakness. This is not true at all, but it is tough to unlearn. From a young age, boys learn from sports and other male socialization activities to act brave and tough at all costs. This can be helpful at work, especially in high-pressure environments, but acting too tough with your female partner actually makes her feel disconnected from you.

You may want to try being more honest and vulnerable with your wife, but you wonder how to do this without seeming weak. In reality, expressing your feelings openly is the opposite of weak. Think about it. Who is the weak one, a guy who can tell a hot girl at the bar, "You're beautiful and I want to get your number" (if this is what he is really thinking at that moment) or the guy who talks to this girl for 45 minutes about some topic he could care less about even though he is thinking the same thing as the first guy? The first guy is literally saying what he feels without caring whether the woman rejects him or not. The second guy is pretending to care about something he doesn't care about because he is trying to impress a woman by being "cool."

By the way, if you are a man who thinks the first guy sounds like a chauvinistic jerk, that is probably because you yourself would be scared to say this sentence for fear of rejection. Additionally, many men who think direct expressions of interest in a woman are weird or gross have deep insecurity issues and have been raised to view women as overly fragile madonnas who hate expressions of romantic or sexual interest. Some of them have been burned by women being repulsed by compliments or expressions of interest. But, as a woman for the past four decades and a therapist for more than the last one, I can assure you that women who dislike compliments or direct expressions of interest are either struggling with their own issues about men/sex/self-love OR they are just not that interested in the particular person who expressed that interest.

If you are someone who struggles with being open and vulnerable with your thoughts and feelings, try to start small. Be open about some small thing at work that upset you or worried you. Tell your wife that you love her without it being at the end of a phone call. Express some sexual desire in bed that you have never shared. When you are authentic and unapologetic about your thoughts and feelings, this is true confidence.

Keep in mind that if everything you're thinking of saying openly is negative, this is not what is intended and could certainly make your wife upset and less attracted to you. Being vulnerable is not just telling your wife, "It made me upset when you didn't want me to golf this weekend." Sure, if you say all the positive things you're feeling then that one is fine. But a common mistake people make is equating vulnerability with negativity. Try some positive or even neutral expressions of your inner world before you start saying what you DON'T like. (Just picture how you would feel if your wife decided "being authentic" meant criticizing you MORE.)

Try to express yourself more openly and directly. Be vulnerable and real by expressing more of your emotions, motivations, intentions, hopes, and dreams. That is ultimate confidence, and, as a bonus, will likely be much more appealing to your wife. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Also Read This About Why Not To Care So Much About What Your Wife Thinks.

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This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you agree that I have no liability and you cannot sue me. This information is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person. Also, all examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.

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