Maybe that's why I prefer friendship before a relationship. I like getting close to someone slowly and becoming friends first because I want them to actually know me before deciding whether they still like me or not. I think it feels emotionally safer for me that way. If someone likes me too quickly, especially because of my appearance, I start getting anxious because I feel like they're attracted to an idea or image of me that doesn't fully reflect who I really am.

When someone says that I'm pretty, it makes me nervous sometimes. I didn't grow up seeing myself as pretty, so compliments about my appearance still feel unfamiliar and difficult for me to fully believe. It almost feels like people are complimenting a version of me that I still haven't emotionally caught up to. Because of that, part of me struggles to trust attraction that starts from looks alone. I start wondering if people only like the idea of me in their head instead of the actual person behind it.

I think that's also why I become overly self-aware whenever I like someone. The moment I care about how someone sees me, I start monitoring myself too much. I think carefully about what I say, how I act, how I'm perceived, whether I seem weird, awkward, annoying, or embarrassing. Even small things suddenly feel emotionally exposing because I become hyper-aware of being perceived. I start filtering myself constantly because I'm scared that if someone sees too much of the real me, they might eventually lose interest.

I don't want to become performative just to be loved. I don't want to feel like I have to maintain a polished, attractive, emotionally detached, or "cool" version of myself in order to stay desirable. I don't want someone to fall in love with a carefully curated character while the real me stays hidden underneath. I want to be liked for who I actually am, including the awkward, emotional, cringey, overly thoughtful, insecure, and weird parts of me. Because those parts are still me too.

Sometimes I still compare myself to other people in ways I don't even mean to. I wonder if they're more lovable, more effortless, or easier to understand than I am. Even though I know people aren't meant to be measured against each other, I still struggle with the fear that someone might eventually realize that there are people who are easier to love than me.

But at the same time, I don't actually want to become someone else just to fit what I think is more lovable. I don't want to erase parts of myself just to feel safer in someone's eyes. Deep down, I think what I truly want is to feel emotionally known. I want someone to see me naturally over time, through friendship, conversations, awkward moments, random thoughts, flaws, humor, insecurities, interests, and all the ordinary parts of who I am. And then still choose me after knowing all of that.

That's why friendship matters so much to me before romance. Friendship feels more honest and less performative. When I'm friends with someone first, I feel like they're seeing a more genuine version of me instead of just an attractive image or romantic fantasy.

I want someone to experience my personality when I'm relaxed and not trying to impress them. I want them to know how I think, how I joke, the things I care about deeply, the things I overthink, and even the parts of me that feel embarrassing sometimes. And after seeing all of that, I want them to decide for themselves whether they still like me or not.

I think part of my fear also comes from knowing that attraction can change. Sometimes I mentally prepare myself for the possibility that someone could lose interest one day because I think it would hurt less if I expected it in advance. But I'm slowly realizing that constantly protecting myself and over-controlling how I'm perceived only makes me feel disconnected from myself.

There's no way to guarantee that someone will always stay or always feel the same forever. Maybe the answer is learning how to let myself be fully seen without treating vulnerability like failure. Maybe it's accepting that being awkward, emotional, sincere, enthusiastic, or even "cringe" doesn't make me less worthy of love.

I think I'd rather risk being genuinely known than be loved only for a version of myself that was carefully constructed to seem desirable.

Maybe to be seen is to be loved after all.