A lesson in vulnerability

vulnerable adjective

vul·​ner·​a·​ble ˈvəl-n(ə-)rə-bəl

1: capable of being easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally

— Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary

Even as a therapist by trade. I'm not a fan. Putting myself in situations where I could potentially be hurt in any form, is just not my vibe. And — I'm learning that this might be the one area in my life that is asking more from me.

The Fear

Most of us have a fear of being vulnerable. As defined, this alone does not threaten us. In my training, clinical experience, and personal memories it seems to be the meaning + outcome of what being vulnerable does to us that can eat away at us.

It's the idea that if we put our trust into someone or something, and we are disappointed because the outcome works out differently, or even worse clutches pearls works out as we could have predicted — what does this mean about us?

Does this confirm the very thing we've been so fearful of?

The Ask

The thing about vulnerability is that it asks a lot from us. It asks us to be brave, to have courage, and to assume the risks of whatever lies in the aftermath. The last one is quite the zinger.

It asks us to be okay…with showing up as our full selves — and being told it's not enough.

It asks us to be okay…with showing up completely raw — and being ghosted.

It asks us to be okay…with communicating the hardest truths we've held onto — and being ignored.

It's an awful feeling to be on the other end of those. Insufficient, invisible, unimportant. And it's very much why the human condition resists vulnerability so much. After all, our egos cannot take an ongoing beating without finding reprieve somewhere.

The Fight

So we fight it. Tooth and nail. We defend. We tantrum. We manipulate. We ghost. We blame and shame. We ignore. We hide. We indulge. We ruminate.

We do anything to resist the possibility that no matter where we go, there we are. How we do one thing, is how we do everything.

We win the battle. We avoid being hurt. We avoid being harmed. We avoid having to be insufficient, invisible and unimportant.

…

And — we also avoid feeling heard, seen, and like we matter. We lose the battle on bridging intimacy, healing wounds, and making connection.

The thing about being vulnerable, is that it we perceive the costs of being vulnerable with the harsh fees of disconnection.

The Gift

Here it comes. The answer you didn't want to read. Are you still reading? You can stop right here and go in blissful ignorance. I have plenty of times.

Vulnerability… when you are sticking up for yourself, folks you care about, issues that you are passionate about and more — these are worth the cost. And these are also liberties that not all folks carry and can use freely. To have the privilege of being vulnerable is a gift.

We recognize that being vulnerable, comes at a cost. But the freedom and gift of being vulnerable, with folks or issues that matter to us — can be seen as a bonafide form of self care.

And when we do we feel insufficient, invisible, and as if we don't matter — that we are more often disappointed in the outcome. We make up a story about why that person hurt us, ignored us, dredged up old wounds about not mattering. We feel stupid, silly, and embarrassed for trying one more time, oversharing, or making the wrong decision in hindsight. But it was never about them. It was always about you. You were brave, courageous, spoke on your needs, said/did the hard thing…you showed up.

You were alive.

This is the human experience. As of now, all we know… is that you get one. Say the thing, do the thing, try the thing. Being vulnerable is part of the human experience. Time and experience is going to continue whether you hide from it or not.

So choose to be alive.