Good morning, everyone!

First, thanks in advance for your participation in the next stage of our "Efficiency and Technology Improve Throughput" (EAT IT) initiative. We're super excited about this next part of our journey, taking the use of our RFID key cards to the next level.

You may have noticed when you arrived this morning that we've installed new key card sensors throughout your offices, in our restrooms, breakrooms, kitchens, conference rooms and other employee areas. (Executive floors are exempt.) These sensors are not there to "track" your movements in any way. Heavens, no! Tied directly to our AI systems, they're designed to help you get the most out of your in-office experience.

For example, when you enter one of our gendered or gender-neutral restrooms, you will need to swipe in to access the facility. If you use a stall, you'll also need to swipe in and out. The data gathered will help us better understand usage patterns and allow us to right-size our employee infrastructure.

Further, when our AI assistant, Nero, recognizes that you've entered a stall, it will prompt you for additional information. It will ask if you're making №1 or №2, and benchmark your time spent there against its reference-data norms for that activity. It will consider factors such as prostate health and menstrual cycles in evaluating time spent. Amazing, right?

Similarly, when entering our kitchens you'll now need to swipe in and out. You will also find key card sensors at every Keurig station. Your use of Keurig pods, stevia packets and creamers will be logged and assigned to your employee ID. You will be debited for all kitchen products consumed, allowing us to continue providing the highest-quality, organic snacks.

Finally, all desks are now equipped with key card sensors. When you're seated, simply swipe in to access your computer. This will also activate seat-cushion pressure sensors using state-of-the-art RearGear™ technology, which will tell us not only when you're in your chair but whether you are actively typing (sitting forward) or in a more contemplative stance (leaning back). Nero will crunch these data points to better understand your level of focus and engagement at different times during the workday.

As an added bonus, the RearGear™ sensors will also record and track body weight and BMI measurements. Free of charge, Nero will provide nutrition and exercise recommendations to get you into the best shape of your life. Just … wow!

Finally, the company is partnering with eating establishments, coffee shops, and bars and lounges in close proximity to our office locations to offer "friends and family" pricing. Simply swipe in and out using your company key card to activate your benefits. At a future date, we hope to also offer bathroom key card sensors at these partner locations, enabling 360-degree data capture to further enhance your employee experience.

As always, if you have any feedback or recommendations, please feel free to message the EAT IT Slack channel. All data gathered will, of course, be anonymized before we pass it on to senior management!

First published on Rusty Pen's Substack newsletter. To read more like this, feel free to subscribe (free).