It has been a while since I last saw you. Not heard you—I wasn't close enough to hear your voice—but I saw you. I saw the way your eyes crinkled when you were smiling, looking down as always. It is a wonder how you kept that temptation away—to look at someone, to make eye contact. For others, it was nothing more than a lack of confidence. But for me, it was a reminder to lower my own gaze.

I never truly trusted anyone enough to observe them this much. But you somehow managed to make me feel safe, even though we never talked. The only times our eyes would meet were when we were in each other's way, or maybe when you were navigating your seat that day. You just never had to try to gain attention. Or maybe you did. Maybe I was—and am—foolish enough to think you were someone special. Because in my mind, you were.

I wonder if I will ever hear that rumbling sound again—the sound of your laughter. Your slightly high-pitched yet somehow deep voice makes me feel grounded on the heaviest days ever. I zone out sometimes, imagining the way your hair looked so different every day, to the point that I almost questioned its genuine look. The way your face seems like an artwork curated carefully over years by hand.

I often catch myself. Not just zoning out, but thinking of you. Actually living a life in my own head. Thinking I might have a share with you. And then I have to physically pull myself from that feeling and remind myself that I don't want this. That whenever I try to love something—or someone—I lose it. Because over the years, I have felt it so sharply it practically hurts.

I tell myself I have lost interest in these things, and then you step up. Not dramatically. Just calmly. With your usual, casual, almost arrogant trail. And with that, my heart starts thumping so hard, I fear you might have heard it. Even from across the room. Or the hall. Or maybe just... yeah. You get it? Maybe no. But maybe yeah.

I know I should stop daydreaming. I know I am supposed to be a realist. But then again, the heart doesn't listen to anyone, does it? So I try to pivot my way. My attention. I try to change my perspectives and my way of imagining my ideal type. But every time I look at you, I feel like I am looking at the moon. Yeah, talk about insanity. But it is true. It hurts that I love the moon, and then you look like one. Even though I know I am just helplessly hopeless.

I don't want to be attached. I don't want to love. I don't want anything. I just want every feeling to stop and give me a pause. Just a rest that I need. But then I don't get it either. So I do what I have to do. I pile a heavy workload onto myself. I take part in things that pack my schedule. I make my own life miserable. Not because I want to, but because if I stay in my comfort zone, I will have free time. And free time means space to think. And that space to think is always packed up by you.

And so, I chose a path for my future that is hard and complicated—something to keep me feeling productive. But beneath that decision, I see a quiet reflection. It reminds me of you. It is somehow tied to the moon. I don't know if I will ever complete it, but I hope I do.

So I do it. Just to stay away from you. Just so I won't be annoying. I stop texting anyone just so I won't be reminded of you. Even though we never talked—except that one time, and never again. I stop everything I do to relax. I don't care about anything by then. All I care about is to stop thinking that you and I exist in the same orbit.

Even after all that, maybe... maybe one day, you will notice me. Not because I try to be noticed—I don't. I don't want to have attention on me. But because you saw something worth it in me. And of course, I know the way you looked at me—or look at me, or will do—doesn't define who I am. But still. Maybe is a word that stays there. A bridge between the truth and the lie.

Until I am ready to accept the reality.

Okay, I have genuinely no idea why I wrote this—or even what. I just let the flow of the time guide me to write these. Just because I wanted to have something to write on. So... yeah. It is what it is.

Anyways... Take care everyone. Wishing y'all a very good day/night!