Brain declutter 4.0

Speak when you're angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret~ Ambrose Bierce.

I like to believe I'm a good person, but then again, everyone believes they are good. No one willingly admits they are a terrible person. I know I'm good, but I also accept that I am human & flawed in my own ways. If I had to name the worst part of me, it would be my anger.

I am kind but I wouldn't necessarily call myself friendly. I take my time letting people in because I've learned not to be too trusting. It's like when a sweaty, overheated person walks into an air conditioned room. At first their body still carries the heat, it doesn't disappear immediately. But slowly, the cool air takes over until the intense heat is replaced with a cooler effect. That's exactly how I approach new friendships and connections. It might take time, but I eventually settle into people.

I take friendships seriously, which is why I struggle to understand betrayal. When I love people, I love fully and without shame. I show up and care deeply to make sure the people around me are comfortable and doing okay. Not for validation or rewards but that's just how I'm programmed; to take care of the people I love and care for. When I choose people, it's intentional and I give my all, so I need to know that the foundation is solid.

A few months ago , I fell out with a friend I truly adored. She was like a sister to me and I truly had so much love for her but the betrayal cut deep enough that I had no choice but to walk away. I decided to ignore her existence and move on with my life. Recently, we got into an argument. Months of pent up anger and bitterness came pouring out, and I called her every vile and wicked thing I could think of. In my defense she started it by insulting me. I only returned the energy and finished it in a way that left no room for return. She hurt me and I hurt her back; an eye for an eye.

I'm a very self aware person and I've done a lot of self reflection since the altercation. So if I'm being honest, I should have walked away. That evening I had an epiphany and realized that not only did everyone rush to comfort and hear her out even though she was the one who started the name calling. I somehow became the villain because of my reaction rather than the action that provoked it. I've learned from a young age that strong, opinionated people who refuse to let themselves be diminished or run over often get the short end of the stick. We don't have tears streaming down our faces, so people rarely stop to ask about our feelings or how much we're hurting.

Looking back, everyone agreed that she started it. Yet somehow the final verdict was that I went "too far."

The truth is my anger is bad and I admit that. Sometimes it's easy to forget how kind one can be because anger is such a powerful, overwhelming emotion. It clouds everything, takes control of the narrative and overshadows every other part of who you are.

Moving forward, I'll try to walk away from situations that might push me towards an outburst. The last thing I want attached to my personality is the label of the angry, uncontrollable girl. Because at the end of the day walking away is not losing. Sometimes it's choosing who you want to be after the moment is over…

Lamide, 2026.