The Vulnerability of Wanting Someone

Not necessarily the fear of rejection itself, but the fear of all the possibilities that come with caring this much. What if he doesn't feel the same? What if he already has someone? What if the version of this story I have quietly imagined never gets to exist? What if I am the only one carrying this much feeling?

I think this is where the Virgo in me becomes particularly loud.

I have always been someone who wants to understand things. I notice details, connect patterns, replay conversations, and try to make sense of what I feel. Usually, I like that part of myself. It helps me think things through. But when I really like someone, that same mind can become exhausting.

Suddenly, there are so many questions. I start thinking about what happened, what could happen, what might not happen, and all the things I cannot possibly know. I can spend so much time trying to understand someone who is not even in the room with me.

And the more I want him, the more frightening the uncertainty becomes.

I think that's the part I didn't expect. I knew I liked him, but I didn't realize how vulnerable it would make me feel. There is something unsettling about wanting someone so much when you have no idea where you stand in their world.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking, maybe he doesn't remember me anymore. Maybe he is too busy. Maybe he has someone. Maybe I am just someone who happened to cross his path once and thought about it far more than he did.

And then I realize that I am not really reacting to anything he has done. I am reacting to everything that could happen.

That's probably what scares me the most. I like him enough that my mind has started creating possibilities before reality has given me anything definite to work with.

I can be rational about almost everything else. I can plan my career, my Master's, make decisions, solve problems, and deal with uncertainty at work. But when it comes to someone I genuinely want, suddenly I find myself thinking, What if? What if? What if?

Maybe this is just what happens when you really, really like someone.

You become hopeful and scared at the same time.

And right now, I think that's where I am. I like him so much that sometimes the feeling itself scares me.