Does It Take a Life Away to Finally Be Seen?

Author's Note: This essay explores heavy themes, including burnout, mental exhaustion, and passing thoughts of suicide. It is a raw look into a real conversation that changed how I view connection, loneliness, and self-reflection. Please read with care, and remember that vulnerability is often the first step toward finding our answers.

A year ago, I sent a message to a friend of mine. Let's call her Kiki.

Kiki had uploaded a video on YouTube. It looked like an innocent video, but the title instantly intrigued me. It was a long video of her telling what seemed like a bedtime story. Except, it wasn't Cinderella or The Three Little Pigs. The story she told was something far beyond innocent. Behind that aloof face, she was trying to heal a deep wound inside.

Though it's been a year and I can no longer recall the exact details of the video, the long message I sent her gives me a vivid picture of what it was:

"It's not fair… It's not fair watching that and hearing all that without expressing my thought… But I'm glad I heard it all…

I'm not judging you at all since you chose to upload and share it. Not here to give you an advice, or some words of encouragement…

I'm just here to say thank you <3

Thank you for surviving until now, listening to others and giving affirmation even when u need that the most.

They say people give what they expect to get, and that says something about you too… It's tiring and often feels like better off gone, no more burden… I understand that deeply, truly…

Say you really did fly to heaven, I'm just glad that we've ever crossed path. Again, thank you so much for every kind words that you've spread. I'm sure allah will lead you for your kindness <3"

I still remember sending that message through her DMs right after watching her video. I sent it without a single doubt in my head. I never heard much back from her after that. I received a heart reaction on the message, but that was about it.

For a while, I didn't give it much thought, though the moment always lingered in the back of my mind. Then, one day, a green Close Friends circle finally showed up around Kiki's profile picture on Instagram. I let out the deepest sigh of relief, a subtle smile forming on my face upon knowing that she was doing well again.

Soon, we were back to our usual random chit-chats and discussions. We replied to each other's stories and hyped up each other's cute selfies. Eventually, we stumbled into a deep, late-night discussion, and my subconscious decided it was time to bring that lingering memory back to light.

I wanted to break the ice. My overthinking brain decided to send her a long paragraph detailing my own thought process on the matter:

Before I even watched your video, I had been struggling with heavy thoughts about my own life, right around the start of the fourth semester. It felt like I just wanted to run away from all my problems and responsibilities, and I began to view an exit from this world as the only solution.

I found myself caught in dark daydreams about accidents or sudden endings, wondering: How would it happen? How would my loved ones react? What would happen after?

Surely, my job and all my daily stresses would disappear in a single moment. But the thing I feared most was that I wouldn't know how others perceived me after I was gone. I wouldn't be able to hear, see, or feel it. I'd just be gone, leaving nothing behind but grief and questions. My curiosity would die with me.

The truth is, I felt a pull toward that state because I felt like people only genuinely care for me when I'm in a state of illness or danger, never during the normal, everyday routine. I wanted to see if anyone would actually check in on me if I weren't there. I'd even feel a sense of envy every time I heard news of someone I knew passing away, wondering why they received such a sudden spotlight of affection that I felt I was missing.

So, when I watched your video and sent you that long message, I was reflecting heavily on my own mind. I felt deeply to your struggles because I was feeling those same heavy emotions. During that moment, I realized that even people who are seen as the kindest and most selfless can carry these deep, eerie thoughts.

It comes down to a desperate desire for people to care about me without me having to ask for it. After giving so much to others, I felt a deep hunger for that same level of care. I felt frustrated that it wasn't being reciprocated, yet I constantly denied that feeling. In those dark times, it seemed like the only way to get people to genuinly care for me was to be in a state of extreme danger. Thats why these thoughts remain as one.

Then she asked me if those thoughts were rooted from my first statement on the 4th semester, or if there were any other triggers.

Without a doubt in mind, I responded. I told her that I was tired and never think of death as a serious thing, like everyone will have it soon.

Acceptance.

But I was too pressured on academics and work simultaneously, and mostly myself that's not trying hard enough.

Arriving at that deep realization didn't happen immediately, and it took a lot of self-reflection and mostly with God. That's when I rethink of all my interactions with everyone, and all the activities I joined that at first would seem like a waste of time or money rather than an investment for my future.

The problem was led back towards me. I kept getting stuck on being afraid to change, or choosing to give up before even starting. I kept getting tangled in the past, constantly recalling the times where I had hardships and struggles, and imagining that I was the exact same person that I was back then. Which in fact, as of now, I realize that I am so wrong for thinking like this.

I am always aware of others mostly. I love understanding people deeply because I'm always curious on how their mind works. But I never grew curiosity nor interest on myself, yet I am hyper aware of myself and my actions.

That is when she told me her perspective. She said that when that video was uploaded, only three people replied to her story, and one of them was me. She told me that my response stood out, which did not make her worried at that time. Instead, it made her feel glad that someone can actually let go of her when she passes. It was a relieved feeling. It was more like a feeling of someone letting her go do whatever she wants as long as it's what she wants.

Our late-night discussion flowed back and forth, a long process of exchange, until it finally ended on a sweet, peaceful note.

We all have our portions of struggles, everyone does. Early or not, eventually, people will find their answers too if they want to.

Now, I rarely message with her, not to mention that we live across islands far far away. But to my surprise, despite not receiving updates, there's only one thing that matters the most.

Just know that when we did chat, I was living in the moment and being my best version, showing up for someone that I considered important, worthy, and deserving of love and care.

There's like an unwritten, mutual agreement as to understanding that we both have dreams to focus and chase on that we've told each other about.

You do not need to disappear to be seen. Sometimes, you just need to allow yourself to be truly known by the ones who are already looking.

P.S. If you have ever felt trapped in your own hyper-awareness or worn down by the weight of always being the strong friend, know that you aren't carrying that heavy silence alone.

I wrote this piece with the desire to be noticed, cared for, and truly seen is something many of us carry in absolute silence. It took me a long time to realize that we don't have to really disappear for our presence to matter. It's all about acceptance.