One of my favourite quote written by Murakami – "She waited for the train to pass. Then she said, 'I sometimes think that people's hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what's at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while.'" This quote makes me think about vulnerability because as a woman, I can really relate to it.
There is a psychological truth hidden in this metaphor.
We do not fully understand ourselves. We also cannot fully understand another person. We see words, emotions and reactions. These are parts that we notice. There are things that we do not notice. We still form connections, with others. We need these connections. We get attached to people. This is why it feels so sensitive. It is especially true when we have protected ourselves for a time.
- How The Attachment System Works
When we look at things from the perspective of Attachment Theory getting close to someone is not a casual thing. It actually activates a really important system in our brain.
When someone starts to rely on another person:
- Their brain starts to think of that person as important emotionally
- This makes them more sensitive to what that person says and does
- Small things, like a reply or a change in tone can feel like a really big deal
If someone has been hurt or felt distant from others in the past this system can get even more sensitive.
So the fear they feel is not stupid. It is just their body getting ready for a connection and for the possibility of getting hurt at the same time.
2. The Fear Of Being Open
When we share our thoughts and feelings with someone it is like we are taking a risk.
There are three things that can go wrong:
- The other person might not like us
- They might leave us once we get close
- They might not take our feelings seriously
Our brain thinks these things are like dangers and that is why being open can make us feel anxious or want to pull back.
For a lot of people especially women who are taught to be in touch with their emotions being open can feel even scarier because we really value connection with others.
3. What Is Healthy Dependence
Sometimes we feel uncomfortable. We think it is because we are too dependent on someone.
But there is a difference between unhealthy dependence and healthy connection:
- Unhealthy dependence is when we need someone else to be happy
- Healthy connection is when we can be close to someone and still be ourselves
We get anxious when we feel like we are losing ourselves in the relationship. It is not the connection itself that's the problem. It is the fear of losing our sense of self.
4. An approach-avoidance conflict
- We want to be close to someone (approach)
- We are scared of what might happen if we get close ( avoidance)
This creates a cycle:
- We open up to someone
- We feel connected
- We start to feel
- We get
- We think about pulling
This is not because we are confused. It is just our brain trying to figure out what to do.
5. How Our Past Affects Us
Even if the person we are with is kind and trustworthy our past experiences can still affect how we feel.
If we were hurt in the past our brain tries to protect us by being more careful:
- Our brain thinks that if something happened before it might happen again
- It tries to keep us safe by making us more cautious
6. Is It Better To Pull
From a psychological perspective pulling back all the time is not a good way to deal with things. While it might make us feel better for a while but it can also make us think that being close to someone is not safe. Over time this can make it hard for us to form connections with others and can make us feel alone.
So pulling back is not really a way to keep ourselves safe. It is a way to feel better for a little while.
7. A Healthier Psychological Approach
The idea is to be open and vulnerable in a way. This means:
- Paying attention to how we feel
- Not getting too close fast
- Watching to see if the other person is consistent
- Having friends and family to talk to, not one person
Because vulnerability doesn't mean weak, it doesn't mean giving up just because the feeling is uncomfortable but tells that the growth is happening. We are becoming more emotional aware.
8. Conclusion
Psychologically growth in relationships comes from being tolerant and accepting. People want to feel connected to others. They also want to feel safe. The thing to do is not to choose between needing people and not needing them. Instead learn to handle situations without fear. The key is to balance depending on people with being independent. People should learn how to stand near the things that scare them like a well without being afraid of falling in. Growth happens when you accept people and situations as they are. It is, about finding a ground.