How to make a decision!

I'm sitting here on Day 3 of my 180-day journey of personal growth, and I'm experiencing tightness in my chest, frustration, and sadness too. I'm feeling uneasy. I think there is a great resistance to change in me, and I'm not really sure why. I mean, I hate my comfort zone. It's a dark and lonely place. Why does it feel bad to move away from what feels bad? It doesn't really make sense. Yes, I get it — everything else is unknown… so I guess it does make sense. But the real question bothering me is:

How do I make a decision?

Because one thing is very clear to me: if I had decided, I wouldn't be lingering in limbo.

(By the way, I wonder if these articles have any value for you? I mean, I just keep talking about my messed-up inner life. Does it help? I hope it does. It feels kind of good to just write out all this internal business without a filter.)

Anyways, today I want to explore what it means to make a decision. How do we make one? What does the word decision even mean? I briefly looked it up on the internet yesterday and, from what I remember, it means "to cut off." So when we make a decision, we literally cut off all other options and focus our energy in one direction, on one task, on one thing.

Do we feel or sense when we have truly decided? Is it enough to just say, "I will do this or that"? To the latter, I will answer: No! It does not seem so. Otherwise, by now, I would have already become a millionaire and many other things. Making a decision means taking responsibility and accepting the consequences of what will come your way after you've decided. This means that if doubt and insecurity outweigh commitment, our inability to make a decision is exposed. You know you have made a decision once your actions align with what you have decided upon.

Just a couple of months ago, I made a decision to move to a new city. I was fed up with living in my old place, where I lived for almost five years — way too long for my taste. Still, I stayed there for all that time. I knew I wanted to move away from that terrible shithole, so I started searching for new flats online. I started visiting some of them, got to know what was to my liking and what wasn't, and at some point, I knew where I wanted to move. All my actions aligned with the decision that I made, and now I live in a new city. Awesome.

Why did this all work out so effortlessly? Well, for one, I was very clear on what I wanted to do, and there was no question in my mind that I would do it. This clarity allowed me to steer in the desired direction. For a month or two, this task occupied my mind and became the center of my focus.

Couldn't it always be that easy? I guess it is — or can be — but there are very obviously certain obstacles that prevent us from being decisive in every area of our lives.

In my case, every decision related to social stuff or my career is blocked by a shroud of obscurity, born from doubt and fear. So the question is: what do we want to decide? And why do some decisions cause your system to panic?

For instance, I want to become better at socializing so that I can find a partner and, one day, have a healthy and loving relationship. The way to achieve that goal is to go on dates. And that's where the "problem" starts. My track record in dating is horrendous. To me, as of now, interacting with women feels like entering alien territory. Even when I decide that I want to change in that area of my life, a smaller, much weaker part of myself tries to keep me tethered to the status quo.

What's so different about an unknown woman and an unknown city? I guess the city can't potentially hurt your feelings. But can a woman do that? Or a man? Aren't we the ones who, through our trauma and past pain, re-experience old suffering and point toward the world seeking for someone to blame? Our feelings are never hurt; we've just never fully healed. That's why we (or at least most of us) are so fragile and weak. Who or what is afraid of being hurt? Isn't that the pain itself, taking on the shape of a memory?

The woman, in my case, is just a symbol. The underlying issue — and I know this now — is that I'm afraid of making myself vulnerable. Growing up, I wasn't allowed to build a stable sense of self, hence my issues with self-worth and confidently expressing my needs and desires. It's not about women, or money — it's about knowing who I am and trusting that, no matter what, I will find a way if I want to, because that is the way of the universe.

In a sense, through the very thing that scares me, I assume I have to rediscover who I am, or simply unveil my true self through the terrifying process of transformation.

To make a decision in this area of my life means saying goodbye for good to all that I have known — to kill off who I've been for almost 38 years. Maybe this is exaggerated. Yes, it probably is. But the part about saying goodbye feels very true. I've gotten so used to living through this limited version of myself that it feels like betrayal to move past it. But I have to. We all have to move past what is.

To live is to transcend. Life's a constant flux, and only when we surrender to its infinite flow can we truly feel safe and secure. I personally just want to be free of this unnecessary suffering. I can't stand it anymore.

It remains to answer my initial question: How do I make a decision? How do you and I make decisions that will transform our lives for good, bring light into the world, and facilitate collective healing?

Maybe Lao-Tzu answered it adequately with his words, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." To change your entire life feels like an impossible task — like climbing Mount Everest without any training or preparation whatsoever. No sane human being would do that. We take the journey step by step, and by doing so, we shrink down the monster in our mind that keeps us from moving until it feels defeatable. Ultimately, there is no monster. Our mind creates these phantoms. It is our job to shine a light on them and realize they were just shadow plays on the canvas of our consciousness. Life is a crazy spectacle, and I really don't want to waste it cowering in fear, stuck in the past, or terrified by a future that will never come.