The Vexarians had spent three cycles analyzing what their xenolinguists called "the dominant Earth transmission pattern." Commander Zeph'tal stood before the Council of Seven, antennae quivering with barely contained excitement.

"Esteemed Council, we have decoded their primary communication method. I believe we are ready for first contact."

The eldest councilor leaned forward. "And what have you learned of these humans?"

Zeph'tal activated the holographic display. "They are a species in desperate need. Their reproductive systems are failing en masse — nearly every transmission references something called 'male enhancement.' Their financial systems have collapsed — millions of deposed princes require assistance transferring wealth. And perhaps most tragically, they are plagued by a pandemic of what they term 'hot singles in your area' — isolated individuals unable to locate one another despite their proximity."

Another councilor interjected. "Curious. What of their technology?"

"Remarkable!" Zeph'tal's skin flushed an enthusiastic purple. "They have discovered something called cryptocurrency — apparently a revolutionary financial instrument. The transmissions promise guaranteed returns if one acts immediately."

The Council murmured approval. These humans clearly needed help.

Three days later, the Vexarian peace vessel descended over Times Square. Zeph'tal emerged onto the platform, all four arms extended in greeting, and spoke into the translation device:

"GREETINGS, HUMANS. WE REPRESENT A DISTANT RELATIVE WHO HAS LEFT YOU MILLIONS. ALSO, I AM A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO LOVES YOU AND REQUIRES ONLY A SMALL WIRE TRANSFER. YOUR PACKAGE IS AWAITING CUSTOMS CLEARANCE. CLICK HERE TO WIN A FREE IPAD."

The screaming, they had not anticipated.