Love Anyway

I recently found myself in a conversation with someone I genuinely liked, admired and respected. We had come together in a group that wanted to explore deeper conversations than the ones we usually find ourselves in when we are gathered at a table or an event.

But the more this person and I talked the more I realized that we had very different ideas about what deep conversations are. For me it is exploration through dialogue. Which means someone talks, someone listens, but it's okay for the listener to interrupt if they want to know more and it's okay for the listener to disagree with the other person's interpretation of whatever they are dialoguing about. That's a deep conversation to me, listening to someone's experience and saying I hear that, but I see it differently. And having someone else say the same thing to me.

I am not looking for a space where I speak and people agree with me, I am looking for a space where we all share our experiences and then attempt to understand another person's interpretation of it. There is literally nothing more exciting to me than both being understood and understanding. My biggest light bulb moments have been when I realize, "oh my gosh, I never thought of it that way" or "it never occurred to me that someone else could see it that way."

Anyway I don't think I ever made that clear at the beginning. Or that any of us defined what "deep conversations" are. But the person I was talking to told me that he was looking for a space where people felt safe to share their emotions. He had no interest in having an intellectual discussion about theory, and he wanted everyone to have a chance to talk without interruptions.

I didn't think what I wanted to talk about was "intellectual" or "theory" at all. So of course, I said, "I disagree." And that's when he said, "Of course you would disagree, you disagree with everything I say."

Which I realized was true, but I didn't realize that could be a problem. I mean I really didn't. I love disagreements. My mother is the same, there is nothing more fun to either of us than a discussion that includes differences in opinions. Where we all get to talk about how we feel, while trying to convince the other person that we are right, while also completely loving the other person's attempts to convince us that no, they are right. That is fun!!

But apparently it has taken me over 60 years to discover that not everyone agrees with us about this. Some people interpret disagreement as a statement that "you are wrong." Which never occurred to me. To me disagreement isn't "you are wrong," it's "I have a different belief." And I am not my beliefs. They can be changed so let's have a conversation about them. Maybe one of us will change our minds, maybe we won't, but fun will be had by all.

Or not.

There came a moment when it became clear that the way I speak and move through the world — leaning in, asking questions, speaking with my hands, openly disagreeing — wasn't simply being experienced differently. It was being experienced as too much. I found myself sitting across from someone who clearly didn't like me, and in that moment I felt ridiculed for simply being the way I am.

Which shocked me. I wasn't trying to provoke or offend anyone. I was just being me.

I moved back, put my hands in my lap, and lowered my voice. I apologized for making him uncomfortable. But I said this is who I am. I get passionate about things, I raise my hands and my voice, this is me. And while I was willing to tone down my passion and enthusiasm, I wasn't willing to stop being me.

He apologized immediately. We agreed that we probably shouldn't be in a group together, and I said I would stop coming.

And that was that.

Except it wasn't.

Many hours have been spent processing that little event. I have seen it from every side. I have felt guilt for the pain I caused another person. And grief that we couldn't connect. And anxiety that he saw me as arrogant when I only wanted to expand love. And anger that that little girl who only wanted that was told she was being unrealistic.

Around and around and around I have gone with this, trying to see it from every different lens. Mine, his, the loving parts, the angry parts, the judging parts, the hurt parts, the grieving parts of both of us.

Until finally I realized that I still get to decide what all of this means. I can do this consciously or unconsciously, but experiences like this become part of the story I tell myself about who I am and who other people are. There is no way around that. So what story do I want to tell myself about this one?

And I realized that I want to love anyway.

I can't say that that experience didn't hurt. That idealistic little girl who thought she could join a group, find belonging and change the world all at the same time, was told to stop being so unrealistic. But even though every single one of my parts are in agreement that she did not deserve this, they also agree that the end result of all of this should be more love, not less. They all agree that the suffering in this experience will only expand with anger, judgment, hatred and resistance. But love will transform it.

Life will offer us experiences that hurt again and again. It's what life does.

But we have a choice.

We can close our hearts, which seems like the logical thing to do.

Or we can love anyway.

And yes maybe it sounds naive, maybe it sounds unrealistic, maybe it sounds "theoretical" and not humanly possible, maybe it will be viewed as spiritual bypassing or weak but I am doing it anyway.