The Seven Travelers Nobody Asked For

_Oh, God, not again. Y_ou connect with someone cool, and then you visit their Instagram profile. The first thing you see:

__ countries and counting!_

Or, worse yet, a stream of flag emojis.

Suddenly, lunch defies gravity and takes a return trip to the back of your throat.

Gulp.

It's bad form, especially when 99% of the world population does not have the financial means—or time—to even experience their own country.

Admittedly, I have a map with pins on the wall of my childhood home, though it's something I keep for my child self—and my mom. It's a little (private) reminder of how far I have gone outside my comfort zone. Yes, I'm not off my own hook here.

So, what's the big deal? Well, many travelers have this imaginary scoreboard. It goes far beyond any pinned map or travel bucket list.

Traveling has become this weird public pissing contest in the past 10 years. I have traveled a lot, though I don't feel inclined to rub it in like expired sunscreen on sweaty skin. The numbers don't mean anything. It's the people, sites, and experiences. That means the world. That is the world. It's not about the borders, flags, and checklists.

There are countries I have no desire to visit, so why put them on a to-see list? When I was younger, I traveled to a few locations only to check a box, typically while visiting another place I couldn't wait to experience.

Perhaps this is something people outgrow.

Slow travel is where the magic is—even if "slow" is limited to a few long, curiosity-filled days.

More often than not, people are handed hard lessons on box-checking trips. In my early 20s, I was bringing the wrong kind of energy to such excursions. When you're old and gray, you won't be bragging about the number of countries you have visited. Nobody cares now. Nobody will care then.

You'll be telling the stories behind the photos.

We'll all be explaining the scars and reciting conversations we had with the locals—those people we ignore when we don't put our phones away.

I know it's tempting to hop that border. Sometimes we must have a heart-to-heart with ourselves regarding our intentions.

Ask yourself, "Am I doing this because it's what I long for and desire? Or am I trying to show people something?"

Stop counting countries and start experiencing them. As Tim Cahill once said,

"A journey is best measured in friends, rather than miles."

Here are a few more hard-to-love travelers.

The spiritual ego tripper

You know the type. They went to Bali for two weeks, did ayahuasca once in the jungle, and now they're a semi-pro shaman. They slip into pretentious spiritual speak as if it were a pair of Gucci slippers dusted with a mix of Dead Sea salt and Saharan sand.

They traveled to "find themselves," but somehow they only found a more insufferable version of who they already were. They attended Burning Man in a $1200 fur coat and met the lord's third cousin, Marvin Christ, during a sandstorm orgy.

They killed off their ego and somehow operate entirely from a new, more judgmental one. Despite their elevated level of consciousness, they can't stop talking negatively about shared acquaintances.

They are quick to discredit anything you have done, said, or lived. There's a veil of superiority that permeates every syllable, especially the vowels, which are drawn out longer than the post-pilates conversations over matcha in a Los Angeles cafe.

"Yeaaaaaaaaah."

Travel can be transformative, but true transformation doesn't need an introduction. The most spiritually developed people I've met while traveling never spoke down to anyone.

The resort hopper

Don't confine yourself to resorts. There's a time and place—a honeymoon, sure. And yes, busy parents and overworked professionals sometimes just want to check into a resort and mentally check out. I get it.

Still, resorts should be the last … resort.

If you're a resort hopper, do your best to hop out — at least once. Call a cab. Ask the driver about the top local spots. Visit an open-air market. Ever told a story using only body language? These challenges are what make travel so magical.

If you do stay at an all-inclusive, tip like a billionaire widower, three Viagras deep at a Vegas strip club.

The pedantic, one-upping backpacker

Now that I have spoken down to the resort traveler out there, let's talk about the guy we both hate. He is like a virus without a cure.

"Oh, you went to Thailand? I was there before "The Beach." Before it got touristy. You should have seen it in '98!"

This traveler has an opinion about everything; they must explain how they did things earlier, better, cheaper, or more authentically than you.

This dude climbed Everest without any prep or sufficient gear.

He carried his sherpa.

He's like that high school friend who one-ups every life story you have, especially when there's an audience.

He speaks broken Swahili with locals to prove his street cred and judges anyone on a weekend trip with a rolling suitcase.

He has been places you haven't. And the places you have been that he hasn't?

They suck.

You mention a great restaurant in Rome, and he'll tell you about the hole-in-the-wall place owned by direct descendants of Brutus.

The Instagram-driven wanderluster

I'm sorry, but wanderlust is one of the worst words in the English language. It's right up there with vibes. At one point, "vibe" was itself a perfectly good word before it was ruined a few years ago—a victim of both misuse and overuse.

Whenever I hear, "It's a whole vibe" or "Wanderlust!" I want to Van Gogh my ears off.

The type of people who overuse these phrases are often the same people who make travel decisions solely based on Instagram appearances. Sure, as a photographer, Instagram is a bit of a necessity. But I sure do miss the Instagram of 2012, back when people were just posting what they loved, not what they think will be loved by a mass of strangers (this is me quietly admitting I'm occasionally guilty of this one).

I was lucky enough to travel before the era of social media. I didn't realize how lucky (or unlucky) I was.

Lost? Ask someone. Don't know where to go? Ask someone or hope for the best.

There was no Google Maps. You had to pay for internet access (if there was any). We followed physical guidebooks and local recommendations. And we got really, really lost. Somehow, we found our way home and trusted the process, no matter how disastrous the journey may have been.

On a recent trip to Central Asia, I encountered countless travelers visiting places just to get a single photo in a single location popularized by social media. They completely ignored the breathtaking landscape that surrounded them.

They didn't soak up a single moment. They visited an incredible natural wonder, rushed to a viewpoint for a photo, and then quickly headed back to their vans.

No love for life or travel. Just a series of precision-posed photos and a few half-lived moments.

All just to appear to be soaking up the "wanderlust vibes."

Anyone who travels to Tulum

Sorry, but what's the point of traveling somewhere "exotic" only to stay in a manufactured bubble? The same goes for many parts of Bali and even Thailand.

I understand the desire to be around like-minded people. But when people neglect some of the most incredible cultures in the world in favor of plastic, ego-centric environments, why not just stay in Miami?

It reminds me of Henry Miller's famous line:

"Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music — the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself."

I have good friends who travel to Tulum. And that's okay. Such places are just not for me.

The bigger problem lies in those who have no respect for the places they visit and the people who inhabit them. It's hard to travel in Southeast Asia without encountering dozens of Western tourists acting like complete and total idiots. They drink until they cannot walk, leave trash everywhere, and disrespect local customs at every opportunity.

If I'm traveling and hear a 20-something person with an American or British accent, I stay away. And to be clear, I would avoid the 23-year-old version of me.

The trend traveler

These people ruin every destination under the sun. They see a trending location and must go, ASAP. Somehow, they don't mind waiting in 45-minute lines to get a photo in front of a famous vista that has been geo-tagged 4.5 million times. Anything for the attention of people who don't really care.

They would rather fight crowds than savor peace. They would rather feel seen by strangers on a yacht in Mykonos than feel alive in their bodies on a little-known island, connecting with locals and dining on meals made by Greek grandmothers.

I'll take the moussaka.

I'm not implying that people need to go off the beaten path. I'm just suggesting that some people need to be a little more creative with their travel plans. If I am visiting a popular site, I try to visit in May or November, also known as "shoulder season."

We're all a little guilty, so let's do our best

In reading over this post, I sound like a bitter old man grasping for the threads of youth.

I've been guilty of a few things I mentioned here. We travel so that we can return to life as better, more well-rounded people. I'm happy to have left so much of my bullshit behind.

In the words of Anthony Bourdain,

Maybe that's enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom…is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.

I still have much to learn about the world and its many beautiful cultures, people, and customs. That admission keeps me grounded. The moment we think we know it all is the moment the universe, with all it has to explore, shows us otherwise.

Now, if you don't mind, I need to go update my Instagram bio.