The Secret to Being Instantly More Likable

Do you remember that one popular girl from high school?

Well, I wasn't she. But I was friends with her, and as a result, I found myself in awkward situations.

Like she had this guy fawning all over her, wanting to get close, wanting to be the one.

But she would smile over it charmingly — I like you, but not that way vibe.

And he'd continue hoovering around her periphery, hoping. Once he looked at quiet, nerdy me and meanly said: "Why don't you be like her?"

It stung. I don't know why. Did he mean because I was not talkative, and quick to smile, that I wasn't likable?

Who was he to decide that?

Yet, I did not react. I didn't need his approval, so I ignored him.

Two strikes against him. I guess he was the one who needed some tips on improving his likability game.

When I watched Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, I was struck by Bethany's observation: "But do you think that maybe the reason why you are so judgy is because you are like afraid that people are not gonna like you, so you've decided not to like them first?"

It brings to mind the advice that not everyone is going to like you, so don't bother trying.

Or the other extreme, where you pride yourself on being unlikable and brushing people off.

Well, in both cases, if you can afford to be unlikable, then fine. But it's an important social skill to develop.

In Boston, for example, your degrees or technical skills often matter less than how well you communicate — and how your team perceives you.

Often, it is a combination of soft skills, technical prowess, and how you present yourself that determines promotion and advancing your career.

One might ask what a three-step skin care routine has to do with all this.

In my city, corporate jobs have a dress code, and it's not uncommon for interns to be sent home for not dressing the part when meeting clients. So appearance certainly plays a role in how you present yourself at work or online.

Take it a step closer to home. I have seen some writers draw in huge engagement from a loyal audience, not reciprocal readers, and it has a lot to do with being likable. Marcia Abboud and Leonard Tillerman, among others, come to mind.

I think it is a combination of talent, communication skills, and charisma.

In my case, I don't go out of my way to be likable. I am not a people pleaser. But I know I can't take that stance 24/7. In certain situations, I have to turn on the charm and play nice. Good thing I am a nice person, so it's not difficult, but it is draining because I can be chipper only in short bursts.

Given all this, I have realized that setting healthy boundaries starts with knowing my limits and handling stressors without overextending or feeling resentment.

So here are 5 small shifts that make you more likable — without turning into a people pleaser.

Check the vibe both ways

I thought I had decent neighbors initially until they started assuming. They were always complaining about my (fenced) backyard, saying I was keeping wild animals, aka bunnies and squirrels, under my porch. I told them to stay out of my yard and mind their own beeswax.

I couldn't care less if they liked me or not. The important question was, did I like them or, more importantly, respect them to bridge the gap? The answer was no on both counts, so that was it for me.

Stay in your lane (control-wise)

Earlier, I used to worry if I was missing out by choosing this lifestyle — I work long hours, I enjoy solitude and nature walks, and I cut out on socializing unless it is unavoidable. But then I realized I also couldn't care less about being universally liked.

Since it is impossible to assume I can control others' preferences or opinions, why not expend the energy on a small circle of friends with whom I can be myself and actually vibe?

Not everyone's your people

I am good company for myself. I have a rich inner world and imagination, so I can keep myself occupied for hours. I have accepted that this is my nature, and there is nothing wrong with being this way.

Be someone you'd actually like

Recently, I was talking to two people. One is a social butterfly who feels empty when their calendar isn't filled with events, and another who complains that they don't have a single weekend free to work on their personal projects. In answer to my question, they asked how to say no to an invitation, especially if it's from family or friends. Their loved ones would assume they don't want to be part of these gatherings and will start excluding them.

In this case, their FOMO (fear of missing out) outweighs their JOMO (joy of missing out), so they don't know how to say no.

Fact, not an excuse

You definitely have a choice in these instances. You don't need to attend every party, and if they can't accept your no, then that's not really on you.

If such events are eating up the time you'd rather devote to other things that are important to you, then shouldn't you decide where your energy goes?

Likability shouldn't be about pleasing everyone. It's about being deliberate with your time, energy, and attention.

What makes someone likable to you?