Here is What it Would Take to Get Me Back into Church

I am currently facing a dilemma.

My 15-year-old son was invited by a school friend to attend a local Christian youth group.

He went along.

He loved it.

Now, he wants the whole family to go to church — yes, to church! Why couldn't his friend have invited him to a football game? Or a casino? Or a nightclub? It had to be the church.

This is the institution that I am still disentangling my life from after three and a half decades of faithful attendance on my part. This is the institution that I feel misrepresents Jesus on so many levels. This is the institution that mistreated us and left us broken.

Don't get me wrong. I still have a faith. I still call myself a Christian. I still connect with other Christians. It's just that I don't trust the institutionalized church system. Yet, my wife says we ought to go along to support our son.

What a conundrum.

It got me thinking. Apart from my wife's nagging and my son's begging, what would it take to get me back into a church? I played the game of religion for so long, exhausting myself so completely that, to be honest, it would take a lot to get me to grace the pews once more.

But I wanted to give the church a sporting chance, so I started to make a list of all the drawcards that might entice me back. Churches, take note! Here are a few suggestions for getting hopeless ex-church addicts like me back into your chapels on a Sunday morning. In fact, it'll probably help you draw a much bigger crowd in general:

What it would take…

• Free refills on communion wine — Taco Bell offers free refills, so why can't the church?
• Lucky door prizes — Look, if I'm honest, I would be much more likely to attend church if I came home with a meat tray occasionally.
• A miniature TV screen on the back of the pew in front of where I am sitting so I can select my own in-church entertainment
• Complimentary headphones
• First-class seating, with my own private pod, where my seat can be converted to a bed
• Reclining massage pews
• Cup holders
• Preacher Bingo: Give everyone a random bingo card as they enter the sanctuary, with common words and phrases that pastors typically use in their sermons, and then get parishioners to cross them off as they go. The lucky congregant who crosses all their boxes first gets to yell, "BINGO!"

• Better yet, instead of a sermon, have a wrestling match between two men in costume — one dressed as Jesus and the other as Satan.
• Play-by-play commentary on the wrestling match
• The ability to place bets on the winner of the wrestling, with the option to cash out early if things take a turn for the worse
• Cheerleaders
• Complimentary peanuts
• Instant replays on the big screen
• The ability to vote people off at the end of the service (my vote goes to the old guy behind me who snored through the whole service)
• The ability to win 'immunity' to being voted off at the end of the service
• Electric shock buzzers to wake up people who snore
• Bible readings communicated through interpretive dance (use the cheerleaders for this, perhaps?)
• Pre-screening of church attendees to make sure they know how to clap on the second and fourth beat of the music. There is nothing worse than people who clap on one and three. In fact, they should issue 'rhythm passports' for people who can clap correctly and refuse entry to the rest.
• Ushers who aren't socially awkward, weird, and 'over-the-top' nice
• A free wash and wax for my car while I'm sitting in the service
• Musical pews: I think it would be much more interesting if the worship music just randomly cut out at various junctures throughout the service, and when it did, everyone had to find a seat as quickly as they could. If you miss out on finding a seat, then you're out! Then, increase the difficulty of each round by removing a few extra pews!
• Adults-only services. When my wife and I got married, we went to a resort for our honeymoon that was strictly "No kids allowed." Definitely one of the best holidays ever!
• Drive-thru church for when we are in a hurry.

Seriously… why not?

Oh, come on, Christian! Lighten up! I'm not serious. My wife's nagging is more than sufficient to get me to go to church again. What do you take me for?

Can I still get the refill, though?

Sure, I have made light of the situation, but underneath the humor lies a genuine desire to reconnect with faith in a way that feels authentic and meaningful. While my list of church suggestions may be whimsical, they also reflect a longing for a spiritual community.

So, let me finish with this: If you really wanted to get me back into a church, this is all that it would take:

• People who are interested in my life without a hidden agenda to get me "saved."
• Genuine friendships.
• People who can handle my theological differences without having to change my mind or win an argument.
• People who don't try to explain away pain and suffering with religious platitudes or cliches but who are able to simply sit and cry with me.
• People who love without prejudice.
• A community where the practices and priorities of Jesus Christ matter the most (And, by the way, that includes the five previous points).

Because at the end of the day, it's not about flashy gimmicks or elaborate spectacles — it's about the simple yet profound experience of community, acceptance, and genuine connection.

That's what I'm longing for.

And if a church can offer me that, then perhaps it's worth gracing the pews once more.

Dan Foster is the author of "Leaving Church, Finding God: Discovering Faith Beyond Organized Religion."

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