If I hear one more time about how to wake up at 4 am to follow your passion and Pomodoro-methody maximize your 80-20 time to feng shui your life to smithereens…I'll move to a cabin in the woods and go full Kaczynski.

I've collected and scribbled down my own weird life advice over the years, because I'm a nerd who loves lists. Advice that makes me laugh, while reminding me to be a quirky meat sack. And I thought I'd share some of my most hilarious findings.

But don't worry, bullshit like 'life begins at the end of your comfort zone' won't be on it. Comfort zones are awesome for a reason, if that's what makes you happy — stay the fuck there.

Anyhoozy, here's my list of weird advice to be a peculiarly put-together person:

1. You can get into a surprising number of places by having a fake printed press pass, a hard hat with a high-visibility vest, or a janitor's outfit. So keep all of them in your trunk.
2. Invest in the things that keep you off the ground — beds, chairs, shoes.
3. If you ever need to get out of an embarrassing or difficult situation, just pretend you're choking on something. The topic will shift, it will give you time to think of something to say, and/or it will give you a reason to leave.
4. Improve your posture by pretending your nipples shoot lasers out of them. By aiming for people's heads, you'll naturally cure any slouching.
5. If you encounter an asshole as you go about your day, congrats, you stumbled upon an asshole. If every single person you encounter is an asshole — then you're the asshat.
6. Don't do any activities that you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics.
7. If you get gratification from helping others, be careful not to surround yourself with lazy fuckers.
8. This tip is from my mom — if you ever have to walk through a dangerous area, stick a lightbulb in your mouth. Or carry a fork, and anyone who tries to fuck with you just start praying, 'Dear lord, thank you for this abundant meal'. People don't fuck with people who they think are more batshit crazy than they themselves are.
9. If you ever need to make someone smile but can't think or a compliment or joke. Just tuck in your top lip and smile, you'll look weird and they'll smile. If they don't…nothing will work.
10. Be a good person, but don't waste your time trying to prove it
11. If you're wondering if something is 100% safe to stick your finger into, think about whether you'd put your dick in there.
12. There are only two ways to do things, correctly — or again.
13. Try to stay out of the newspaper, hospital and jail. But if you fail on the last one, try to establish dominance quickly.
14. Turn mundane or sad things into challenges. Eating a pizza alone? Cut it into one continuous spiral, like the start of the Yellow Brick Road in the Wizard of Oz. Then see if you can slurp it like a noodle.
15. Watch how the laziest people in your life get things done. Surprisingly, they don't fuck around and tend to prioritize things efficiently.
16. Make people tell you no before you accept defeat. You'd be amazed how many opportunities come from people who can't be bothered saying no. Obviously, this advice does not apply to sexy time.
17. Sometimes the last person to fuck up wins based on that alone.
18. If you're the smartest one in the room, find a new room
19. Don't give excuses unless people ask for them. Make your excuse weird or funny, then at least you're both entertained by your bullshit excuse.
20. Learn when to shut the fuck up. It's surprisingly helpful, much of the time.
21. Never forget, you can be right — or you can be happy. (←That one was also engrained in my by Mom.)
22. Be like DaVinci. He pursued curiosity, not success; he pursued multiple endeavours and didn't care how long they took; he mixed physical pursuits with intellectual ones. (This one I just added to the list today — which reminded me of this list.)
23. If you walk like you're wearing a cape, you'll look more confident and have better posture.
24. Use the one-touch rule: if something takes less than one minute to do, just do it immediately. The amount of mental real estate this clears is wild.
25. Lean into the skid.
26. Don't take life advice from people who only got lucky.
27. Live this mantra: sometimes, people suck.
28. Follow Homer Simpson's advice: Don't keep beating yourself up forever about something. Beat yourself up once, then move on. And if you look back, do it to revisit the lesson — not the shame.
29. Don't scream at people. Lean in and whisper it to them. That's much more terrifying.
30. If you try to rob a bank, whether you fail or succeed, you won't have to worry about rent or food for a while.
31. Even if the restroom handsoap smells like candied bacon — don't leave the bathroom sniffing your fingers.
32. Make a friend; play the odds. Afraid of being struck by lightning? Stand near someone taller than you. Terrified of being eaten by a shark while swimming? Bring a friend (or swim over to a stranger), and your odds of being eaten by a shark immediately drop 50%.
33. If you accidentally fart in public, don't be embarrassed. Just yell out 'I'm jet-powered!' then run away.
34. If you don't want to end up in someone's viral social media video, have a song by a popular artist playing loudly, they'll be sued/have to take it down due to copyright infringement.
35. Don't listen to your fav songs while you're sad, or make them your morning alarm. That will only make you hate those songs.
36. Forgive your enemies, it'll annoy the hell out of them.
37. Baffling people with nonsense can have the same effect as blinding people with brilliance. One is just easier than the other.
38. Don't be too anxious about a past bad decision. If it were truly that catastrophic, somebody would've time-traveled from the future to stop you.

That's it. I hope you got a giggle. I also hope there are a bunch of people trying the cape and laser-nipple things right now.

If you want more weird and fuck-laden life advice, check out another of my listicles, which became my top-viewed piece ever: