When I was working as an attorney I threw up almost every day before work. So many mornings I would vomit in the sink and then look at myself in the mirror. I looked awful. I was miserable. That career path was slowly killing me.

That life was another lifetime ago. I closed the doors of my small law firm more than thirteen years ago.

These days, I wake up excited. I sing in the shower. I annoy my teenagers with my energy getting ready for the day, and I'm not even a morning person.

I have built a life I love, not through manifestation or magical thinking. I have built my current life through trial-and-error.

Happiness doesn't come from vision boards or birthday wishes. Happiness comes from intentionally creating a life you love. It comes from taking responsibility for your life.

While I don't believe in magical thinking or manifesting, I do beleive our brains have far more power than we understand. But changing anything in your life requires you to take action, not just vibes. It requires you to take responsibility.

Bad things happen. Sometimes those things are your fault, and sometimes they're not. Often, things happen to you because of complex systems you have no control over or voice in. However, if you want a life filled with joy, you have to take responsibility for all of it. What happens to you may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility.

The only alternative is to live life as a permanent victim of your circumstances.

Taking responsibility doesn't mean trying to control everything. Much of what happens to you, maybe most of what happens, is beyond your control. If you want to be miserable, spend all of your time trying to control everything.

Taking responsibility means taking charge of solving your problems without worrying about who is to blame.

I have some mental health issues, including an anxiety disorder. It's not my fault that I have an anxiety disorder, but it's my responsibility to deal with it. Taking responsibility has meant working with therapists and doctors. It has meant developing coping mechanisms.

I take long daily walks because it helps regulate my nervous system, and it allows me to manage my mental health without medication, for now.

Last year, my main source of income, freelance writing, was under serious threat. In one week, I lost three clients to AI. My contacts for two of the clients told me AI was cheaper, and even though my work outperformed AI, the price difference was so steep that their bosses wanted to eliminate all freelancers and internal marketing team members.

In that case, the problem was partly my fault. I had gotten lazy and let those three clients believe that all I did was write for them, making me easy to replace.

I took responsibility and retooled that part of my business. Today, freelancing is more profitable than ever for me. I love working with my clients, and I've taken the time to make the way I freelance AI-proof.

What you can control

You cannot control much in this world. Technological advancements, political upheaval, and natural disasters are all outside your control.

But if you adopt a posture of radical responsibility, you will find you can always control three things. You can control your attitude, your effort, and you can choose to love. With a good attitude and a willingness to work through hard things, you can build a life that you love.

Attitude

The first step is to control your attitude.

Emotions are complicated, especially if you have a mental illness.

Even though I live with anxiety, I can still control my attitude. It isn't easy. Everything from social media to my own broken brain is pulling on my emotions, trying to get me to freak out, become enraged, or get discouraged.

Learning to be calm doesn't mean becoming a robot. You're allowed to feel your feelings. You should feel upset when you go through upsetting things. But it's up to you to learn how to get back to a state of calm. You cannot make good decisions when you're upset.

The more you practice calmness, the easier it becomes.

After years of trying to stay calm and focused on the present, I have learned to stabilize my mood. I still have anxiety attacks from time to time. My anxiety still gets the better of me, but I have learned how to have a better attitude even while I'm a puddle of anxiety.

If you want to love your life, you have to be the kind of person you want to be around. Complaining about everything that is going wrong will not change your circumstances. It won't even make you feel better.

Chronic complaining is a form of self-sabotage. It's the opposite of taking radical responsibility for your life.

When you are annoyed with something, instead of complaining you should ask yourself if it is under your control. If you can change whatever is annoying you, put your energy towards fixing the problem instead of complaining.

If you cannot change what is annoying you, you need to let go of your frustration, accept the situation for what it is, and move on to making other areas of your life better.

Building a life you love isn't about being happy all the time. It's about deciding what you allow to influence your mood and direction.

Choose someone to serve

It is up to you to create a life you love; nobody else can do it for you. But you also cannot create a life you love on your own.

I'm an introvert. I consider myself a happy hermit. But even I need other people to help create the life I love.

The good news is that this doesn't mean being in a relationship. You can create a life you love if you're single, married, divorced, living with someone else, or living with several other people.

The key isn't your relationship status. The key is finding someone to serve.

You cannot create a life you love by being selfish all the time. You need one or more people you love to serve. This means you do something for someone without remuneration and without expecting recognition.

There are no rules for who you can serve — that's up to you.

Aa life of fulfillment requires you to give of your time and talents to make someone else's life better.

Service has a way of putting your problems into perspective. It increases your sense of gratitude and allows you to build connections with other people. We are a social species. Connecting with other people helps our brains work more efficently.

There are so many people that need your help. Service doesn't have to be anything big. You can help your elderly neighbor by taking down their garbage. You can pick up litter in a local park.

Life gets better when it's not all about you.

Make mistakes and try again

If you want to create a life you love, you have to be willing to screw up. You won't get it right the first time. You probably won't get it right the tenth time. Often, we only find the right path in life because of our mistakes.

I would never have found a career as a writer and illustrator who makes money online if I hadn't made a spectacular failure out of previous businesses.

You can't let a few mistakes keep you from continuing to strive for a better life.

If you aren't willing to crash a few times, you'll never learn to ride a bike. If one skinned knee is going to stop you from trying, you will never experience the joy of racing downhill under your own power as the wind rushes past your face.

Creating a life that you love isn't about being perfect. It's about being open and honest with yourself.

Decide you love your life

The last step is the hardest for most people. You have to consciously decide that you love your life. This is as close to magical thinking as I get. Having a good attitude makes your life more pleasant, even if it doesn't change your external circumstances.

Most of us struggle with believing we love our life because we obsess over all of the things that are going wrong and we obsess over all of the things we haven't done yet.

If you decide you love your life, you will find it easier to make other decisions that make your life even better.

You have to decide that you have created a life you love, even if you don't like many of the past decisions you've made. This isn't fake it until you make it.

This is giving up on perfectionism and choosing to love yourself.

Creating a life that you love means focusing on the present and learning that the past and the future are out of your control.

Even after you've created a life that you love, you will still have bad days. Somedays you will wake up and won't be feeling it. Somedays, someone will rear-end you because they are on their cell phone.

You get to decide if these are simple speed bumps or if they're off-ramps to a life of anger, bitterness, and frustration.

Having a life that you love is not about having a dream job, the right income, or being in a relationship. Building a life you love is about learning to be the kind of person you want to be around. It's about choosing to be someone who solves problems instead of complaining about them.

I know you have what it takes to build the kind of life that fills you with joy.

What are you going to do today to start creating a life that you love?

Jason McBride is a poet, illustrator, and essayist. He's also the author of the haiku comics collection "Wild Divinity." If you enjoyed this post, you'll love his newsletter, featuring poetry comics & essays about creativity, mindfulness, and living a weird, slow, fully human life.