I Don’t Know How to Court a Woman (Part 1)

I know that's a provocative title for an essay, but it's honest. I've had wonderful romantic relationships with wonderful women (including the one I'm married to), but none of them came about through the process of dating. They developed organically from friendships.

From Friends to Lovers My advice for men who'd like to make that happen

How have I been able to achieve this? I can point to a few likely factors. I know how to give a woman warmth and make her feel safe & seen, without the pressure of trying to get something from her in return. I'm comfortable "being myself" around women, because I've made it a priority in my life to unearth the me that I like and can therefore be comfortable being.

I also love to sing — with feeling! My future lovers got to see this firsthand when we were still just friends, and it gave them a preview of my ability to share a powerful emotional connection that goes beyond words (particularly when I sang songs like Wham's Careless Whisper or Journey's Open Arms!).

But I've never tried to "win" a woman's heart. The way I see it, a woman's heart isn't a prize to be won. The prize is the connection her heart and mine can share if we both choose to.

What being romantic means to me

My idea of being romantic is inviting a woman — through my presence and the way I relate to her — to break through all of society's BS and forge a connection where we both feel safe & seen and help each other heal the wounds that have been inflicted upon us.

Underpinning this is an unwavering belief that we each of us were put in this life for a reason, and we each possess gifts — gifts that may not conform to stereotypes about our gender (or race, or ethnicity, or any of the other boxes we get put into). As I wrote in a comment to the author of this piece:

I've written about my faith that I was put in this life for a reason (and how that faith has allowed me to build my sense of self-worth on a foundation that no one can take away from me).

Well, I figure that if I'm here for a reason, then so is everyone else. Which means everyone else has value too — women no less so than men. The fact that you … or your daughter are female says nothing about what either of you have to offer the world or what paths either of you were meant to follow in life (when I say "meant to", I don't mean in the sense of what society says, but in more of a "cosmic" sense).

And it's not for me (or anyone else) to determine what your value is; it's enough for me just to know you have value and relate to you as a fellow soul — a soul who has value for the exact same reason you do: the fact that we were born into this life (no matter the differences in our appendages and plumbing).

There's no zero-sum dynamic in play; women realizing their potential doesn't take anything away from my value, and I don't need women to dim their own light in order for me to realize my potential. If the day is ever to come when women truly no longer feel othered, this kind of thinking might be a critical link in the chain of causation that gets us there."

But wait! There's more!

Another key part of my idea of romance is giving love infused with what I think of as "romantic energy". Trying to describe that energy in words wouldn't do it justice — any more so than words could adequately convey what chocolate tastes like to someone who's never had the pleasure of tasting it!

But it's a feeling I've been able to tap into ever since I was a boy via the right kind of music. Interestingly, that music doesn't have to be about love per se. I'll give you two such examples:

"The Working Hour", by Tears for Fears:

An iconic scene from The Empire Strikes Back:

Friendship doesn't have to mean an absence of mystery

There's a cultural narrative I've encountered multiple times that goes something like this: Romantic love requires mystery, but friendship breeds familiarity, which is the enemy of mystery.

The problem with this narrative is that it dooms romance to be short-lived. Because sooner or later, familiarity is going to creep in. Fortunately, life has taught me that there's at least one kind of mystery that's perfectly compatible with familiarity: the mystery of our existence as souls housed in human bodies. That's a mystery that never gets old.

If you were to ask me which parts of a woman's body I'm most excited to behold and touch, my answer wouldn't surprise you in the least (hint: two up north, one down south). But there's a twist — one I'm certain you'd never guess (unless you've been following my writing).

Back in high school, I discovered a Japanese martial art called Aikido, and it opened my eyes to the profound joy of feeling connected to my own body. (It was beyond anything I'd ever gotten from lifting weights, riding a bicycle, hiking, swimming, playing sports, etc.)

So — thanks to what Aikido taught me about myself — when a woman shares her naked loveliness with me, a big part of the thrill is the opportunity to help her feel connected to her body.

This is about way more than just getting her off. It's about honoring and celebrating her body — both its beauty and its capacity to give her pleasure — as a way to honor and celebrate her. It's about giving her a sense of paradise that's transcendent but also feels like coming home — a paradise where she gets to experience her body not as a source of shame, but as the source of joy it was always meant to be for her.

Just today, I found this piece by The Career Ms:

Being Bisexual Is Not "The Best of Both Worlds" It's the Bullshit of Both The "best of both worlds" myth can fuck right off!

At one point, she talks about how her body image fluctuates based on who she's sleeping with:

With women, I feel, easier. Like my body is just a body, not a performance. There's this unspoken understanding that we've both been subjected to the same impossible beauty standards, so we can just exist without the constant mental calculation of "am I hot enough right now?"

And honestly? That is so, just so nice. It feels liberating in a way I didn't even know I needed until I experienced it. When I'm with a woman, I'm not sucking in my stomach or strategically positioning myself in flattering angles or panicking about cellulite in certain lighting. She has a body too.

She gets it. We both know the game is rigged, so we can just opt out together. There's this mutual permission to be human, to be soft, to have the audacity to exist in an imperfect body without apologising for it. I love that aspect of being with a woman.

This is how I've always aimed to make my partners feel with me. Although I haven't been subjected to the same beauty standards as women, I know all too well what the oppressive weight of impossible standards feels like. In spite of how the differences in our bodies have shaped the way we've been treated, there's fertile ground for empathy here.

And helping her break free from the impossible standards women are subjected to is my way of being a "bad boy". It's like a "Fv©k you!" to everyone who's ever made her feel like her body was a commodity for other people's consumption and judgment. Every touch is a love letter to her, telling her:

You deserve to feel at home in your own skin. If you don't yet fully believe you deserve that, then borrow my conviction that you do.

Like I said before: cutting through society's BS, making her feel safe & seen, and helping her to heal.

The Healing Power of Benevolently Charged Lust Photo by mehdi zegna on Unsplash

Applying what I've learned to help others find love

Frankly, I can't imagine getting into a romantic relationship with any woman who wasn't already a friend. Genuine friendships are wonderful in and of themselves, and they need never go any further to continue being wonderful.

But when one does blossom into a romantic relationship, it's even more special. It's like having your cake and eating it too. When my relationship with a woman became openly romantic and 𐊖ɛχvally intimate, it was like our friendship now had a new and heavenly component to it, but it still retained the elements that had made it such a great friendship in the first place.

Knowing what I know, I think about how single folks today — especially those in dating app hell — can replicate this approach to finding love. If I were a single man today, I'd put the following in my dating profile:

Not looking for something casual, but great relationships begin as friendships. I don't want to "date" you. I want to make you feel safe, make you feel seen. I want to laugh and have fun with you. I want us to look forward to each other's company. I want to feel something real with you…all the while knowing there's a door leading to a deeper, physically intimate connection that opens if & when both of us are ready for it. But there's no going through that door unless we have the kind of friendship where we'd be fine not going through it.

Another thing I think about is how a lot of men seem lost as to how they can feel dignified and energized in a relationship where the woman is more "successful" (making more money, being in a more prestigious line of work, etc.).

If the level of autonomy women can aspire to today deprives men of what they believe to be their only means of proving worthy of love, then something's gotta give. And I state — without any hesitation or equivocation — that what's gotta give isn't women's autonomy! It's the soul-crushing idea that a man's only shot at being worthy of a woman's love is to be a more successful provider than her. That's what needs to give.

We need alternatives. I realize that there are both men and women who will balk at this, but this post isn't for them. It's for the men and women who "get it". We're the ones who need to take the initiative to build bridges — to connect us both to each other and to a brighter future.

It's with that in mind that I've written this little exposé on my idea of romance. Think of it as proof of concept and working prototype of an alternative way for men and women to fulfill their natural craving for romantic connection.

Final Thoughts

I understand that just because courtship is something I myself have been able to bypass doesn't mean it's an outdated concept. If my idea of romance resonates with you, then I'd love to hear what you think courtship should look like in that context. And stay tuned for Part 2, where I delve into some examples of what courtship most definitely should not look like!

With Love,

© Ben Rosenthal 2025