"Never" is a big word. Never letting someone go, effectively means spending, well forever with them…often times referred to as marriage.
While we're all looking for something different in the person that we'd consider making this massive commitment to, I do believe that there are some universal traits that we can all appreciate, and are all looking for in a potential life partner, teammate, and lover.
Oh…and, if you're new to my writing, hi! You might be thinking that I write articles about how women "should" act or some such nonsense, but I've spent the past decade encouraging men to be better in their relationships. That is where the majority of my work is focused, but every once in a while, I find myself writing an article about women, too…and that's what you've come across here. So, before you run to the comments and accuse me of "mansplaining," feel free to browse through my hundreds of other articles that are solely focused on how men should behave in life, and in love.
Now that we've covered that, let's discuss some of the qualities are embodied by a woman whom we can picture being by our side for the rest of our days:
1: She's collaborative.
"James, what? Collaborative?"
Yes, that's not a typo, I meant to write collaborative.
Meaning, she's willing and able to collaborate with you.
Not exactly the sexy or attractive trait you expected to read, eh? Well, the truth about long term happy and healthy relationships is that while the sexy and attractive stuff is necessary, it's not what is going to keep two people together for the long haul through life's challenges.
And, it's not what's going to empower you both to work together as a team to create the life that you both desire.
This requires…you guessed it…collaboration.
The ability to work together, to solve problems, to discuss things in a logical and rational way. To identify both of your strengths and figure out the best ways to leverage them in order to win.
What's more, a woman who's dedicated to you on the same level as you're dedicated to her is going to share your passion for this level of teamwork because it brings the two of you closer together. It provides opportunities for bonding and deepening your connection as you strive for and accomplish your goals together.
You begin to create harmony, a strategy, a pattern of knowing what works for you as a couple, and can use that to your advantage in life and in love.
"Teamwork makes the dream work" after all, and the person you choose to spend your life with is the most important teammate you'll ever have.
2: She's patient.
Let's face it, dude: You need some time to figure shit out.
It's okay, we all do. That's part of life.
The truth is that most men haven't really been taught the ins and outs of intimate relationships. We learn about attraction, sex, charm, and getting women's attention…but then what? A lot of guys become generally lost after that, no matter how good their intentions are.
Let's not make everyone sound so bad, though. Plenty of men grew up around women, understand them better than others, know how to properly treat and respect them…and those are the men who have the happiest and healthiest relationships.
However, nobody is perfect. It still takes us time to learn about the woman we love, and truth be told, it takes her time to learn about us, too. That's just the way the human animal works, and it's part of forming a relationship.
This, of course, requires mutual patience. It requires both her and you to understand the realities of human interaction and to know that it takes time to merge two lives into one.
Humans are complex, and when you start adding emotions and intimacy into the mix, the formula becomes even more intricate.
It is immensely helpful to be with a woman who's willing to let things evolve at their natural pace and help you to understand things about her that you might not even know exist. If she's constantly getting frustrated or aggravated with you, it's going to create a tense environment where love is going to have a much harder time growing.
If, though, there is space for the relationship to breathe, there'll also be space for love to grow and expand.
3: She's empathetic.
I know, you're a big strong tough dude who can handle anything…at least, that's what you want everyone around you to think.
The reality of the human experience is that we all face a wide range of emotions, and I believe that's part of what makes life beautiful.
I understand that a lot (thankfully not all) of men are conditioned from a young age that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, but just the opposite is true. It takes real strength to open up and show the world, or even a loved one, what you're feeling.
Considering this is reality, it's important that we choose a partner who has a deep sense of empathy and is willing and able to stand by our side during the trying times that will arise.
Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, as much as we'd like for it to be. Forming a serious relationship with someone means making the commitment to walk on the smooth roads with them, but also to navigate the more treacherous ones alongside of them.
Just as you must be there for her when she needs support, she must be for you, as well.
4: She's reliable.
Perhaps you've heard me discuss before what a lame trait "reliability" sounds like.
If you have, you know that I love to use the example of the Toyota Corolla. Why, pray tell?
The Toyota Corolla is the bestselling car of all time. Look it up.
Consider for a moment the primary reason why a person would buy a Corolla…it has excellent reliability.
You can count on it to be there when you need it. It starts up after sitting in the rain, snow, sleet, or through a hurricane. It runs for hundreds of thousands of miles and just needs basic maintenance along the way.
Why isn't a sleek and sexy sports car the best selling car of all time? In theory, it's more appealing, and a lot more fun…
Because at the end of the day, people value reliability and consistency. A fun sports car is no use if it's broken.
We look (albeit subconsciously) at our intimate partners similarly…both men and women want to be with someone who they know they can count on, who's consistent, who's reliable.
If you chase after a man or woman for their stunning good looks, only to find out that they're finicky, expensive, and unpredictable…suddenly the appeal begins to fade.
5: She's stable.
Oooooooooooooppppp hold on a minute, this doesn't mean what you think it means.
I'm not talking about "mentally" or "emotionally" stable, nor am I trying to make one of those "women are crazy" references.
The stability I'm talking about here is a matter of lifestyle. It's rooted in the path one chooses to walk, the identity they choose for themselves, and the decisions they make on a regular basis.
A "stable" life is something, I believe, we all seek in a partner, regardless of gender.
It's a signal that this is a person who's ready for commitment, who's mature enough to put in the time, energy, and work in order to maintain something for the long term.
She doesn't bounce around from place to place, or job to job, or man to man.
She wouldn't want you to be doing that, either.
Now, don't get me wrong, I believe that all of us should explore the world (and ourselves) for a bit before really deciding what (or who) is best for us and our future. This is how we learn about ourselves, it's how we grow, it's how we actually build the stability mentioned here.
So, if someone is in this phase of their life, it doesn't mean they're a bad person, nor that they're "unstable," it simply means that they're on a different page than you and may not be ready for the same things you're ready for.
A mutual sense of stability, strong ground that you can stand on together, is paramount to the success of the relationship.
6: She's independent.
There's an old narrative about the Prince Charmings of the world wanting to save the damsel in distress…but today's women aren't in distress, nor do I think that most men are looking for one who needs to be "saved."
Go back to point #1 and being collaborative. When two people come together to work as a team, they must both have something to bring to the table.
This means they don't need each other, but instead, want each other.
When we choose each other, we consciously integrate our lives together…two lives that were already fully formed (or at least, mostly…) before we met each other.
This requires independence. The ability to be self-sufficient. To stand on her own two feet regardless of her relationship status.
When I met my wife, she'd escaped an abusive marriage while still pregnant with her (now our) youngest, and was running a large brick and mortar business by herself. Yeah, all at the same time…
Never for a moment did I think: "Wow, this woman really needs me." That would've been patently ridiculous.
What I did think was: "Wow, here is someone with such high levels of drive and ambition that we can join forces to create an amazing life together."
And, that is exactly what we decided to do.
7: She's giving.
Great relationships aren't about give and take…they're about give and give.
Since you're a good dude who's always willing to give to the people you love, particularly your future wife, it's only fair that you find someone who shares the same willingness, no?
Giving isn't about gifts or material items, though. Giving is about emotion. It's about affection. It's about time. It's about the things that really matter in life, and in love.
Someone who's giving is going to put others first. She's going to prioritize the relationship, you, your (maybe) kids, the goals you share together…
She's going to do the things that she knows make you feel special, just as you are for her.
When both partners give and contribute to each other on a regular basis, the love grows far stronger than it would if the balance were uneven. Just like two people depositing funds into a bank account, it grows the quickest when the contributions are equal.
8: She's socially compatible with you.
"James, are you saying a woman needs to be extroverted and outgoing to deserve love?!"
I phrased this point for a reason: The word compatible is never an accident (you'll see it again before this article is over).
Social compatibility is key because if two people have vastly different comfort levels or social calendars, it can easily create uncertainty or tension around what is expected in the relationship.
Are you supposed to be out at events every single night? Definitely not if one of you is an introvert.
Is your favorite company one person and a glass of wine by the fire? That wine might not be best paired with an extrovert.
Social compatibility is paramount because it helps you find a balance together. You'll be into similar things, you'll get along with each other's friends, you'll enjoy the same types of events (or lack thereof), and you'll feel energized and recharged by whatever it is that you choose to do together…or, not do together.
There's no "right" or "wrong" way to be socially. Some people have no interest at all in socializing, making small talk, or networking. And, that's fine!
Some people are energized by being in large groups and love to be the life of the party. And, that's fine!
What's (usually) not fine is when these two people try to come together and find a balance that makes them both happy.
9: She's sexually compatible with you.
See! I told you you'd be seeing "compatible" again.
This point is even more important than the last.
Your sex life is, of course, private between the two of you. Whatever your wants, needs, desires, and fantasies are (usually) stay behind closed doors and remain your own personal playground.
A monogamous intimate relationship is the one place where we should feel the most safe, secure, and accepted when sharing these desires.
This is another scenario where there's no "right" or "wrong," unless of course someone could be harmed in the process, or there's a lack of consent…that is always under the "wrong" tab.
But given that you're two mature and consenting adults, the key here is, and always will be compatibility.
If you have vastly different expectations, libidos, or comfort levels, there'll likely be constant frustrations or risks of one partner feeling unfulfilled, or even judged. As a result, they'll likely pull back emotionally and physically, leaving the other partner now feeling unfulfilled or disconnected.
It takes time to build the trust required to fully open up to someone in this area. It is, of course, one of the most personal and intimate parts of ourselves and therefore the most heavily protected…as it should be. But, this point highlights the importance of making sure that it does eventually get discussed…because if we go too far down a path with someone only to find out that a sexual catastrophe awaits, it will be a far more painful realization than if we'd found out before we'd become so invested.
10: She's ambitious.
You're a man on an upward trajectory in your life. You're driven, focused on your goals, and want to excel in all areas.
You want a teammate on the journey. A partner in crime. Someone you can grow with, learn with, achieve with, and celebrate with.
That means you need to be with a woman who's just as driven as you are towards her own goals. Someone who wakes up every day with purpose, passion, and enthusiasm.
Someone who understands how hard you work because she's right there in the trenches alongside of you.
You can't have a successful team unless everyone on it is performing at the same level, pulling their own weight.
11: She's resilient.
Let me tell you something: That woman has been through some shit.
She's seen it all. She's been defeated, mistreated, overlooked, undervalued, and ignored…
Yet…here she is, still standing, stronger than ever before. Still moving forward. Still holding her head high. Still showing up every single day like a boss.
When you find a woman like this, you know she's going to fight beside you. You know that she's capable of holding her own. You know that you can trust her to have your back when you need it, just like you have hers.
That, my friend, is priceless.
12: She's nurturing.
Just like for (many) men, the instinct to be protective is present, for (many) women, the instinct to be nurturing is present.
Why, though, is this such an important trait to look for in a life partner?
Well, for one, if you do choose to have children together, a nurturing nature (I know that sounds weird) is going to be a bonus…
But, beyond that, you're going to spend the rest of your lives together, which means that you're going to grow into old age together, which means that (sorry to say) you're going to need some help sometimes.
You might need to be taken care of.
She may need to be taken care of.
None of us like to admit it or think about it, but I believe that this is a tragically overlooked part of a relationship that we hope to last forever…the inevitability of what "forever" really means.
A woman who's nurturing and caring is going to help comfort and care for you when you need it, and, be more receptive to you caring for her when she needs it.
13: She's intellectually stimulating.
Alright, cool, we've established that you're spending forever together, and that you're socially and sexually compatible, right? Great!
Alas, that's still not enough!
James, come on!
Do you know what's at risk in a lifelong relationship? Boredom! Just being friggin' bored in each others' presence.
Nobody wants that, especially when this is the one person you've chosen to be with for…for…forever.
Someone who's intellectually stimulating is curious about the world. She's passionate about learning new things. She's well-informed, and has strong opinions of her own. She's capable of conversations that have depth and keep you intrigued. You can bring her around friends and family, and she'll always have something to talk about.
It doesn't matter if you're together for 10 years or 100 years, someone like that will never bore you.
14: She's supportive.
We've already discussed that you're an ambitious guy who needs to be with an ambitious woman…but just like you can't be so caught up in your path that you fail to support hers, the inverse is true as well.
We all want to feel supported by our partner. We want to know that they're cheering for us, rooting us on, and believe in our abilities.
It's paramount that she's driven towards her own goals, but also that she is capable of giving you the support you need while you're chasing after yours, as well.
15: She is affectionate.
This is a big one for me, and I believe it's a big one for most guys.
As men, we want to feel wanted.
(Wah, wah, I know: Women want to feel wanted, too…who am I, as a man, to complain about this?)
My intention here is to shed light on the fact that men want to feel wanted, too, and a big way we feel that is through affection, whether it be physical or otherwise.
We've spent our lives being on the "pursuit" of women, putting ourselves out there, risking rejection, and wondering if our feelings are being reciprocated.
For many, then, the reassurance of some simple affection is all that we need to know that we're in a place that we're loved and cared for…and aren't at risk of giving feelings where there are none being returned.
Plus, hell, it's just nice to be touched, am I right?
16: She is open to receiving your love.
Affection, obviously, must be reciprocal.
Love, obviously, must be reciprocal.
Trust, obviously…well, you get it.
Some people have a harder time than others letting you in. They may have been through hurtful or toxic relationships in the past. Perhaps there was abuse, or betrayal, or deceit, or dishonesty.
None of this is their fault, but they are levied with the weight of carrying it with them into the future as they process and move past it. The amount of time this takes is different for everyone…but the universal truth is that if we're not on the other side of it, it'll be very difficult (if not impossible) to let someone else in.
It doesn't matter if you do everything right, if she's not ready to receive your love, nothing will ever be "enough."
It doesn't mean she's "broken" or that if you try harder you'll eventually get through…it just means that the timing isn't right, and she needs to work through her own process in her own ways.
Emotional availability is one of the most important building blocks of any intimate relationship. Without that, nothing else can grow.
17: She's funny.
Come on, you know humor is sexy.
18: She's direct and honest (with kindness).
You don't need to be with a woman who bullshits you, even though you might think you do. What you really need is someone who's going to tell you the truth, even when you don't want to hear it.
Now, tone is the important caveat here, for all of us.
She sure as hell wouldn't want you being "honest" with her in a way that is blunt and hurtful, nor should you ever be.
Conversely, it wouldn't be right for her to approach it from that angle, either.
We all must strive to deliver the truth in a cushioned package, but to deliver it nonetheless.
19: She values personal growth and development.
I don't just say this as a private personal coach, but as a human who understands that life, at its core, is very much all about growth.
It's about learning, and gaining knowledge, and developing skills, and focusing on our health.
It's about physical improvement, mental, emotional, and spiritual improvement.
I believe that we find fulfillment and satisfaction in becoming better every day.
And, if you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone, this becomes even more important as the years go on. We evolve, we change, we (hopefully) grow…
If only one of us is growing and the other remains stagnant, it naturally follows that eventually the one growing is going to become so far away from the one staying stagnant, that they may not even be on the same wavelength anymore.
This can become a breeding ground for resentment, misunderstanding, or just a general loss of affection, attraction, or even love itself.
It's important that when we embark on this journey of "forever" together, we do it with the mutual promise that we'll both do our best to maintain our own levels of happiness, health, and fulfillment.
This is how we can both show up at our best for each other every single day.
20: She is clear on her CORE IDENTITY.
Who is she, really?
I don't mean if she's a mother, or a CEO, or a wife, or a daughter…
While some or all of those might be titles that she holds, it doesn't tell you who she is outside of it all.
What are her values, beliefs, worldviews? How does she treat others? How does she accept being treated in return?
Is she clear on who she really is?
If a woman (or any of us) lack clarity around this, it can cause all sorts of confusion in life and love. We'll second-guess the choices we make, the path we are on, the career we pursue, and even the partner that we choose.
When, though, we do the inner work to figure out who we really are and what we really want…we can far more easily recognize it when it comes along.
And, when we know who we are, we can better determine the path, the purpose, and the person that is right for us.
When we both do that and then find each other, neither person will ever let the other one go.
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- James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
- Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
- James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.