Why all new managers want to quit

Over the years I've had a lot of coaching conversations with managers. Whether they be managers I've appointed, managers I've been coaching, managers I've trained or managers I've inherited. One of the common themes running through these conversations among managers who had been in the role less than 18 months was they all told me the same thing.

"I don't want to be a manager any more"

This happened at earlier or later stages depending upon the person but was a near universal reaction to discovering that managing humans is not a happy fluffy bunny land with cotton candy and unicorns. I say near universal because there are a tiny number of people who don't say this and they fall into one of three categories:

Sociopaths who are getting a kick out of telling people what to do. It's important to identify if this is the case because this is a near future (or even present) problem waiting to happen.
People who were afraid to speak up because it would mean admitting failing. Initially it may be hard to separate these from the sociopaths who you shouldn't have made a manager in the first place. Skip level meetings may help identify this or direct coaching. If there's low psychological safety with your managers then this group can be large.
People with an incredibly high EQ (Emotional Quotient) that have an intuitive grasp about people. These rarest of rare people are to be cherished and nurtured.

I got to the point where I would burst out laughing when the manager told me this. Perhaps not the best reaction to someone baring their soul. Then, I went further and would have the "talk" with new managers to preempt the soul searching conversation. After all why wait until people feel at breaking point. It also allowed me to explore whether people were likely to fall into the category above.

The talk started with being open that sometime in the next year to eighteen months I expect them to come and tell me they don't want to be a manager any more. This was not the warm vote of confidence that people were initially expecting so it was important for me to say why.

All new managers go through the same struggles. It's really important that people know it's not just them. Otherwise what happens is imposter syndrome kicks in and they assume the reason that they're struggling or unhappy is because they're no good at their job. Cue many months of silent torture where they spiral in on themselves and stop looking after themselves or their team followed by breakdown and quitting.
There's a new set of skills you need to develop. The new manager won't know how to do things like hiring, performance management, coaching, feedback, decision making… The list is long and bewildering and many of these skills will not be intuitive or obvious to the new manager. Few things are as soul crushing as knowing something is wrong without having a framework to explain it. Few things are as inspiring as reframing something as an opportunity to learn new skills and grow.
The technical skills that got you here won't help. In the case of software engineers then sitting down coding is going to be their happy place to go to when they are feeling insecure. In a new manager who is lacking the skills to be effective this is likely to be the place they retreat to. The reason for this is…
You have no framework to evaluate whether you're doing a good job. If you're an individual contributor it's pretty obvious whether you're doing a good job. Shit is getting done. Problems are being solved. It's usually obvious what the next task will be. As a manager less so. Much less so. This engenders a feeling of helplessness and can lead to busy work like attending every meeting. Which is a temptation because…
You're going to have less direct control over how the job gets done. Your success depends on other people doing things. They may decide/want to do things differently to the way you would have done them. Which is probably ok. An individual contributor is a micro manager of the self. There is a temptation to translate this level of control when you make the switch to management. Don't do this. Learning to live with loss of control and embrace it will take time.
Your relationship with your team will change. Everything you say will have more weight because the relationship with your direct reports is now asymmetric. As such they are far less likely to disagree with you. Not only can it feel lonely but they will take on all your dysfunctional behaviours. Plus, authority can end badly.
Our relationship is going to change. I'm going to need to be doing due diligence to ensure I can support you through this transition and your ongoing growth. This can mean skip level meetings. Having your boss talk to your reports is uncomfortable — I promise I'll be deliberate and transparent with how I'm going about this.
You have more priorities to juggle. It's not just about delivering software, you have to manage careers, handle issues that come up, hire, advocate for your team. You may find yourself with more tasks than you have hours in the day. You're going to need to learn how to prioritise and delegate or it's likely you will burn out. You need to take care of yourself (and other people).
You're going to have to give people bad news. Whether this is feedback they're not going to enjoy or telling them they didn't get the promotion or raise they wanted. This is not fun. You're going to naturally want to avoid these as long as possible. The longer you leave them the worse they get.
Your peer group is going to change. It's not longer the people in your immeditate team but the managers or other teams yours is working with. If you don't develop positive relationships with this peer group then your life is going to feel like a constant struggle. You also need to think about your support network — who can you share the problems you're having? It turns out someone in the same situation is a great sounding board / shoulder to cry on.
I am here for you on this journey. I'll be transparent about what to expect and honest about all the ways I screwed up when I was where you are now. I don't expect you to be the finished article any time soon.
Your team is here for you on this journey. It's ok to tell them you're not the finished article. The feedback they will give you is what's going to help you grow into the person and manager you can be. If you pretend you know it all then they will eventually lose respect for you. It's ok not to know.
Despite all this management can be one of the most rewarding things you will ever do. You'll get to witness the growth in the people you're taking care of, see them achieve incredible things and make sure they get the rewards they deserve. If we're deliberate about this transition then you're going to become a better human and help other humans become better too. There will be days where you feel a hundred yards high.

Management is such an important role it's important we don't leave this transition to chance. It's not natural or intuitive for the majority of humans. If we throw people in the deep end they're not only going to sink but drag down everyone around them. This doesn't have to happen. If you're a new manager knowing what's in store can protect you from this and make you better at your job. You should care because it's not just about you — it's about the people you now have responsibility for.

There are other things you can do to prepare the ground for new managers but that is a topic for another day.