If there's one thing that men are notorious for, it's their communication skills — or, lack thereof, to be more specific.

Ironically, most men have no problem talking about themselves, or speaking up in the boardroom, or being fierce litigators in the courtroom.

For some reason, though, these skills tend to go out the window when it comes to their intimate relationships.

Why might that be?

It's simple, when you think about it: Men are conditioned from a young age to be "of value" in society. By this, I mean to make money, to provide, to protect, to pursue.

Now — let's not misunderstand — I am not suggesting that this is where a man's value actually lies.

In fact, I've spent more than a decade publicly arguing against this idea.

Society, and relationships, are best when rooted in equality. Men and women working together, capitalizing on their own strengths, sharing in the duties and creating a harmonious team.

Not "the same," but equal.

What I am suggesting, though, is that regardless of how far we've come, we've still go a long way to go in the normalization of men being…well, human.

Humans with emotional needs and wants. Humans with mental health challenges. Humans who are free to express themselves without feeling like they're sacrificing their "man card."

If you've followed my writing in the past, you know that I have hundreds (probably more like thousands) of articles highlighting the wants and needs of women in relationships, and how we as men should be stepping up to the plate in stronger and more honorable ways than we currently are.

Let me state it clearly: This article about men doesn't negate, nor overshadow, all of the others about women. It is written to live alongside of them to give equal credence to both.

In this particular article, then, I want to give a voice to the guys who aren't willing or able to express their own. To shed light on the "needs" that they feel deep down, but don't give themselves permission to express.

1: The need to feel appreciated.

Any good man — any man worth his salt — any man who values the happiness of his partner, is going to willingly give everything he can to you.

I don't just mean financially give, as it's possible you may share these responsibilities, or you may even out-earn him.

Regardless of income level, a good man should be giving to you emotionally, physically, and spiritually in his own ways.

Working to make your life easier without you having to ask.

Standing by your side and providing support when you need it.

Doing the small things you love to show you that he cares.

And, yes, for some the financial giving will also be relevant — not just with flashy gifts, though…but the daily duties and responsibilities of normal, everyday life.

Let me reiterate, a good man should do this willingly, and without expectation of reward.

Kindness for the sake of something in return is not really kindness.

That, however, does not negate the need to feel appreciated for these efforts.

No human, man or woman, has an endless supply of selflessness or kindness.

It must be refueled, replenished.

That fuel is gratitude. It's appreciation. It's the knowledge that the effort they're giving to you is recognized and felt deeply.

I believe that just as women are levied (often unfairly) with "expectations" in relationships, so are men in some of their own ways.

Neither partner in a relationship should ever feel like their efforts go unnoticed. This is the quickest path to resentment or loneliness.

2: The need for your approval.

Let's light this candle for a second…

The egos of men everywhere just exploded at the idea that they need anyone's approval, but I'm going to argue that, deep down, this is a strong driving force in the subconscious of men.

First, I'll clarify: The only validation that really matters is your own. Self worth comes from within. Your value does not change based on whether or not someone recognizes it.

I've been coaching both men and women on developing this level of confidence for over a decade…

So, why then, am I suggesting that men have a need for your approval when the only one that matters is their own?

For one, men quite literally need you to approve of them in order to be in a relationship. If you don't "approve" of him as a partner, then he won't be one.

More deeply, though, the honest truth is that most things men do in their relationship with you is in order to get your approval in the first place.

They want to feel "good enough."

They want to feel like they're capable of earning your love.

They want to feel that you've chosen them over all of the other men who pursue you, send you messages, and leave you flattering compliments.

In order for this to happen, they must work for your approval. This is the very essence of courtship. Romance. "The chase."

You can show him this through words of affirmation, meaningful compliments, or gestures of gratitude that show him you love and accept him as he is.

If you think this sounds "needy" or "insecure," take a moment to consider how you would feel if the man in your life went for days, weeks, or even months without expressing his affection, attraction, or love to you.

I believe that we all seek approval from our partner deep down, whether or not we like to admit it to the world (or to ourselves).

3: The need for intimate connection.

"James, is this just a nice way of saying that guys need sex?"

Well, yes…but also no.

Sure, guys "need" sex, just like women "need" sex. The physical act of sex is an essential part of any healthy, happy, intimate relationship. Without it, we feel disconnected from each other, and essentially end up living as roommates.

Intimate connection, though, is something we often only attribute to the list of women's needs, and expect that men only require the physical act, regardless of emotional involvement.

While, for awhile, this may be true — intimate connection goes far beyond what happens in the bedroom.

Intimate connection is what fuels the flame of the physical, and it benefits men on similar levels than it does for women.

Did you know that studies show, similar to women, at least 30% of men need to feel desired in order to get their engine going? (Source)

Intimate connection is reinforced through all parts of the day — it can be found in an "I love you" text, holding hands while running errands, cuddling up on the couch, or a kiss on the cheek as we depart for the day's duties.

Women are well versed in emotional and intimate connection and how strong the need for it is — and men should be stepping up to the plate in order to cultivate and nurture it in the relationship.

The point being made here, is that we often forget to ask the question: "Do guys need this, too?"

More often than not, I'd argue that the answer is yes.

4: The need for security in your relationship.

Security is another one of those items on the list that is more often assumed to belong to a woman.

Notice how many of the points in this article aim to eliminate the gender stereotypes behind our needs as humans and discuss the elements which are desired by men, as well — just less frequently admitted or talked about.

Security is also important for men in relationships because they're dedicating their resources, time, energy, and livelihood to you, your relationship, and your family.

I mentioned earlier that men are conditioned socially (and biologically) to be the pursuer in love.

We — often willingly — take on this role and even feel a sense of pride and accomplishment in it.

This brings with it, though, another reality — that of the need to keep your love, attention, and affection.

Again, we should willingly put in this effort each day to show you that we are serious about building a life with you.

What if, though, a man doesn't feel as though these efforts are being received?

What if he feels like he could lose you at any moment?

What if he feels too heavily emotionally invested and is at risk of being hurt?

Providing reassurance to him is a helpful way to ease these concerns. To show him that you are in this for the long run and that he doesn't need to worry about you slipping away without notice.

Of course, the foundation of love and trust that we build needs to be maintained for a lifetime, and I would never suggest that he "let off the throttle" and stop putting in effort for you.

What I am suggesting, though, is that it can be an uneasy and stressful feeling if he thinks the moment he blinks you could slip away from him. Letting him know that you are equally as invested in this relationship will go a long way — and inspire him to do even more to keep it that way.

5: The need for (some) independence.

Sometimes, guys just need some space.

Don't get me wrong — I don't mean he needs time "away from you."

I don't mean he needs a "break" from the relationship.

What I do mean, is that oftentimes men recharge in silence. They focus on work, or a hobby, or go to the gym, or read, or whatever may be the best method for them to stay centered and grounded.

This feels counterproductive to women who need emotional connection, because it's confusing to think that alone time can strengthen a bond two people have together…

But, the need for self care looks different to all of us.

Women, mothers, wives, CEOs, executives, high achievers — whatever role you take on in the day-to-day, also need to make sure they care for themselves in order to show up at their best in life and in love.

This likely looks different for you than it does for him, but that doesn't make either one better than the other.

Now, of course, his "independence" should never be tied to something that betrays your trust or the relationship — nor should it be needed for days or weeks at a time…that's a problem.

But, I believe that most men just need to take some time to play with their hobbies every once in awhile, and as a result, will be an even better partner, husband, father, and friend to everyone he cares about.

6: The need to feel significant.

This one might make less sense to casual onlookers than some of the others here.

Men need to feel respected. They need to feel significant. They need to feel like what they're doing matters, and that they matter.

Yes, our self-worth and value as a human should come from within, but that doesn't change the fact that a man's identity is tightly wound to how people feel about him.

Healthy? Eh, maybe not so much.

True? Absolutely.

Respect and significance play a role in every area of a man's life:

If he doesn't feel respected by his friends, he will distance himself from them (as he should).

If he doesn't feel significant at work, he will lose confidence and question his contributions.

If he doesn't feel significant in his relationship, he will question the value that he is really bringing to the table, and with it, his value as a person.

7: The need for MUTUAL understanding.

Ah, men are from Mars and women are from Venus, after all — what's the point in trying to understand each other…right?

Wrong.

Men may not feel like they can understand women, but that doesn't mean they don't want to understand women.

More importantly than understanding women, is understanding you. The one woman in his life.

Equally as important, he wants to feel that you understand him as well.

We all know how difficult this can be. We see the world through different lenses, have different life experiences, have been treated differently growing up. This path quite frequently brings us to different emotional destinations that can be confusing to another person.

That, however, doesn't minimize the need to work to understand each other. Just the opposite, actually.

A man who loves you wants to understand your needs, desires, dreams, goals, fears, and insecurities.

He should be striving each day to be the best partner that he can for you, and he can only do this if he knows the best ways to love you.

Similarly, he wants to feel as though he is loved and accepted for who he is as well (more on this coming…), and the more you understand the reasons why he is who he is, the more harmonious your partnership will become.

8: The need to feel useful.

Men find value in contribution.

This, I believe, is one of the reasons why so many men feel lost and confused in modern relationships.

Women are thriving (thankfully) and are outdoing men in a lot of areas of life.

In their careers, in education, earning, entrepreneurship…

A man who lacks a full sense of security in himself may begin to wonder what value he brings to the table for a woman who already has her life figured out.

We go back to the contributions men make today differently than they did in generations past. We are far more focused on emotional contribution and support. Being a healthy and communicative partner. Deep connection.

We still, though, want to open the pickle jar.

We want to fix the leaky faucet.

We want to slay the dragon.

We want to have utility in this life, and in our relationship with you as well.

When a man feels as though he is contributing, adding value, doing something for you, he feels a sense of pride and accomplishment.

9: The need to feel prioritized.

There is a recurring theme that I hear from male clients I've been touching on a few times in this article, which is centered around whether or not women really "need" men in 2023.

Ironically, I would argue that the answer is no, but many women I've spoken to have said yes.

Either way, healthy relationships are not about needing each other, but wanting each other, and more men would be well-served to internalize this reality.

I digress, though — the point here is that men are already feeling a sense of insecurity about where they fit into the lives of busy and successful women.

They need a level of reassurance that is provided through being prioritized. Time spent together, being included in plans, knowing you're willing to be included in his plans, as well.

Both partners should always prioritize each other in life and love, that's what makes a relationship grow and thrive — I do believe, though, it's more important today than ever since we have so much else going on at all times.

10: The need to get "it" out of his system.

I'm going to throw you a curveball with this one…

This point isn't about you. It's not about your relationship. It's not about something you can give him.

It's about something that he should do before he gets into a relationship with you in the first place.

Getting "it" out of his system.

Whatever "it" is will vary from person to person. For some, it's world travel. Backpacking across Europe. Learning to fly a plane.

For others, it's a 6 month vow of silence.

For others still, it's the free and open exploration of the dating world. Who's out there? What do they have to offer? What experiences do we like, dislike, seek again in our future?

The point is this: If a man doesn't take the time to explore and figure out who he is and what he wants before he gets into a committed relationship, he's always going to feel that longing sense of "What if?"

This, for some, can be strong enough to pull them away from the relationship in its entirety.

For others, it's the root of a lack of fulfillment, or confusion about why they're not happy with all that they have.

For all, though, I believe that it's necessary in order to be certain about the life that we choose for ourselves. To understand what we do want, it's often helpful to experience what we don't want.

11: The need to work on himself.

I believe that this is a huge source of conflict for men.

They just…let themselves go.

They stop working out, they stop reading, they stop learning, growing, and developing.

They get complacent.

Work is hard. So, they come home and melt into the couch for the rest of the night.

Listen — I get it, working on yourself when you're busy working on so many other things is exhausting. At times it feels downright impossible.

But…it is an absolute necessity to a happy and healthy life.

A man needs to maintain his physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

When one of these begin to falter, the others weaken. He himself, weakens.

You notice it, too. He's less energetic, less enthusiastic, more irritable…

Unfortunately, this isn't something that you can do for him, but you can encourage and support him on his journey.

As his partner, you want him to be around as long as possible, and to live the healthiest, happiest, and most vibrant life alongside of you. He should want that, too — and if he really does, he will make the necessary changes to achieve it.

12: The need for you to focus on YOU, too.

Let's put the cards on the table — any relationship that hopes to stand the test of time requires mutual and equal effort from both partners.

He needs you to care for yourself in the same ways that he does, in order to maintain similar lifestyles, values, and work towards common goals.

If any of us begin letting ourselves go, or neglect our health or wellness, it creates a negative and harmful impact — both to us as individuals, and to our closest relationships as well.

I respect the fact that you are a giving and selfless person who always puts others first — especially if you have children, or run a business, or have a farm — whatever it may be…

But, the truth is that if your health suffers, you'll be unable to show up for those you care about at your best. You won't be able to show up for yourself at your best, either.

Any good man worth his salt should pledge to be there for you for the rest of your life. Through sickness and health. To step up and care for you if you need it. To be by your side during the wins, the losses, the challenges, and the illnesses.

That promise must be returned equally.

Neither of us can fulfill that promise if we stop caring for ourselves.

You are the foundation that the rest of your life is built upon — both you and he must reinforce and strengthen your own foundations, in order to merge them together and create a life that sits on top of them.

When you build that foundation out of mutual love, trust, respect, and dedication — there is nothing that can break it apart.

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James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.