Son, we need to talk. We need to talk about the giant raccoon that's in your closet. We can't keep him.

In the past week, he has left tree trunk sized droppings in every room in this house. He has ate our furniture and our car. He has pissed in our sink and in our garden. Our home smells like an overnight unflushed toilet. This is unacceptable.

We know that you love animals and they love you but you can't keep bringing them in.

Remember the last time you brought in that komodo dragon the other day? You begged and begged to keep him but you ignored how it chased your father around the house for thirty minutes. If it weren't for your neighbor being a world class crocodile and anaconda hunter, your father would've died.

Remember the last time you brought that albino lion into our home? Yes. Same thing.

Your father can't keep running from the things you bring in this house. Now you invited this 250 pound raccoon and it's causing the same terror that lion and komodo dragon has brought.

We don't know what part of town you are bringing these animals from. There are no zoos nearby. Are you taking overnight trips to the Asia or Africa to bring in these animals? Sometimes you come home at night, and we sometimes wonder what has our boy brought in now.

What about the lion? You said that you "found" it. You can't just up and find lions in this small Alaskan town dear.

What about the giant raccoon? Where did you find him? Don't tell me. You "found" him also.

Son. We want to raise you the best way possible and provide the best for you but you are being really difficult right now. Look at how that raccoon is peeking through the closet door intensely glaring at us. It is clear that the raccoon doesn't want to be here.

Do us a favor. Set that raccoon free. And if you bring in one more animal to eat our house away and chase your father again, you're grounded for twenty years. No video games. No tiktoks. No internet. No fun. No happiness. You understand?

Thank you.