Have you always thought it'd be cool if your lower back hurt for no reason? Do you think it's fun to be tired? Are you excited to feel highly irritated a good portion of the time and never be able to pinpoint exactly why? Do you want extra skin where it doesn't belong? Are your hormones too balanced? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, then the forties are just the thing for you!
Stop fretting over leaving your energetic self behind and embrace the exciting changes in store. Sure, it was nice to have youthful glowing skin once upon a time, but you know what else is fun? Skin tags. You'll never have something to not pick at ever again! In addition, if you hate shaving your legs, you're going to be really excited about this next part! Say goodbye forever to shaving because once you discover cellulite in all of its glorious forms, you'll never want to wear shorts again.
While sleeping through the night used to be nice and all, the forties will introduce you to a whole new world of restless nights spent ruminating about every single life experience you've ever had or will/will not have in the future. On a related note, if you've never had anxiety before (or if you've always wanted to have more), then you're in for a real treat! Here's a helpful tip. Anti-depressant cocktails can be a real game changer, if your ultimate goal is to simply better tolerate being awake while doubling as an actual zombie. You'll probably never have an orgasm again and the night sweats are a total drag, but you'll likely feel too gross to be naked and have sex anyway, so it all works out in the end.
If looking physically fit has always been a personal goal, you're going to want to rethink your priorities once you turn right around the age of 43 ½. Work-out times will have to be tripled to simply achieve not looking any worse, so time management skills will be of utmost importance. If you want to look better, now is a good time to come to terms with the fact that that's just never going to happen. Let it go, girlfriend. At any rate, you'll have to give up eating and drinking anything that tastes good after 4pm if you don't want to grow more than the usual amount of extra stuff overnight. The upside? You'll have an actual reason to be angry now, so that's sure to be a nice change.
If you've been raising some children, the forties will likely introduce ample opportunities for your smart-ass teenage kids to infer that you're all of a sudden the dumbest person on the face of the planet. These are the same kids you gave excruciating birth to, temporarily stopped drinking alcohol for, have lost years of your life incessantly worrying about, and that bear a decent amount of the blame for the way you currently look and feel. Don't fret, though, they still love and appreciate you. They just show it through eye-rolling and asking for money now instead of warm hugs. Aww.
As you settle into your forties, you might gradually develop the sudden urge to throat punch everyone for little to no reason whatsoever. Here are your two (and only) options. Lean into it or avoid social gatherings altogether. While the latter might lead to moderate feelings of isolation and loneliness, it will also free up some time to pluck that pesky chin-hair-of-the-day out ONCE AND FOR ALL and still allow time to Google trending Essential Oil concoctions that best compliment even the most debilitating of identity crises.
The forties are all about being forced to adapt to mildly disturbing changes on a reoccurring basis while fending off deep insecurity issues that arise as a direct result. It helps if you don't own a mirror and aren't particularly fond of having eyebrows or wearing clothing that looks and/or feels like it fits. The good news is that no one will expect you to ever have a positive attitude again because you've lived long enough that it just no longer makes sense. Yay!
In summary, disgruntled acceptance and a massive unloading of give-a-fucks are the major keys to thriving in your forties. Should you develop an acute urge to desperately uncover the true meaning of life, don't panic! Instead, calmly shift your focus to attaining something a bit more realistically achievable, like not sneeze-peeing in your pants again.
Come on, girl, you're not fifty!
More from Jill Veldhouse: