I've often thought that much of how heterosexual women operate sexually in the world is not because we are actively choosing what we're doing, but because we are constantly being told how women are and should be— naturally monogamous, prefer intimacy over casual sex, unable to enjoy casual sex, lose interest in sex, are more interested in committed relationships than men, etc.

I've written a lot over the years about the research I've discovered that debunks those stereotypes, from Daniel Bergner's book What Do Women Want?, to Esther Perel's The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity to Wednesday Martin's Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free.

But it's always interesting to see it play out among women in your circle. In particular, I've watched over the years how three heterosexual women I know thought they wanted a traditional romantic relationship again after the ones they had ended. And then, well, things changed.

I've known "W" for about three years. She is in her late 30s and after two back-to-back relationships that lasted a while but didn't turn out the way she'd hoped, she decided she was ready for a new relationship — with herself.

She had spent so much time and energy on those romantic relationships that she — like many women — neglected her "me" time as well as time with platonic friends. While she's not self-partnered — she's enjoying a friends-with-benefits relationship with a much younger man — now her focus is on herself.

Sadly, some might consider her selfish and perhaps too independent; people often have trouble with single women, especially single women who indulge themselves with some essential self-care instead of spending their free time caring for others. There's nothing selfish about nurturing one's body, soul and mind. Or, for that matter, taking care of your sexual needs in a relationship that doesn't have any expectations of going somewhere, like a committed monogamous relationship or marriage— it just is.

She reminds me of what No One Tells You This author Glynnis MacNicol writes about being 40, single and child-free — none of which she expected.

"Here's the thing that has been the most shocking and that no one prepares you for: the freedom. Women today are not taught how to deal with this kind of freedom, any more than women of our mothers' generation were taught to deal with their own money. We enable others' freedom — as home keepers, child-minders — but are rarely rewarded for having our own. …One of the things that happen when you step off the path toward marriage and babies is you step into a much wider, more interesting world of men (or women, as has been the case for a number of friends). Of all ages."

"T" is a 40-something single mom of a teen. In the early days of the decade-plus that I've known her, she told me she wanted to get married again and have another child. She dated a bit — single parents don't always have a lot of free time — but never met a guy who was smart, interesting and sexually exciting to keep her interest. So she's stopped looking for a husband and is instead enjoying caring sexual relationships that also aren't going somewhere.

She's also explored dating websites that match people by their kink, opening up a side of her that wasn't always embraced in previous relationships. And she's never been happier.

"G" is a divorced mom to adult children and is in her early 60s. She, too, had been looking for a husband. She had a several-year passionate fling with an old flame that reignited her long-dormant sexuality, but he was married. When she got over the pain of that, she found a new power within her, what assistant professor Ebony A. Utley writes in her study of "other women," who saw their affair partner as helping them "recognize and meet unmet emotional and sexual needs."

Then she found a new lover — a much younger man who embraces ethical non-monogamy. She doesn't know what's ahead for her romantically — she's not necessarily looking for a husband anymore — but whatever comes her way, she's pretty sure she doesn't really want to have to give up her lover.

Both "T" and "G" are experiencing what another study reveals about women post-divorce. The end of marriage got divorcees out of their comfort zone and opened them up sexually. As the researchers write,

"Women sometimes have to break rules to find sexual pleasure for themselves in a society which is not consistently supportive of female sexual pleasure. … It also takes seriously women's right to seek pleasure and to overcome barriers to pleasure even if those barriers are socially sanctioned."

This is not to say that "W," "T" or "G" won't change their mind at some point and desire a deeper, more intimate, loving relationship with a committed partner, whether he becomes a husband or not. Or decide that they're actually happier without a romantic partner.

Whatever happens, this period of experimentation and expansiveness will help clarify what they want going forward and who — if anyone — they might want to do that with.

Hey, I've written a book on changing the narrative about aging as a woman, "Not Too Old For That: How Women Are Changing the Story of Aging" (April 2022). Order it here and follow me on Medium, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. If you want to support my work and have unlimited access to my writing and the writing of all Medium writers, please become a member here. And if you're interested in individualizing your marriage, please check out the book I co-authored, The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels. You can support your local indie bookstore (please do) or order it on Amazon. We're also on Audible.