Narcissists are the expert at the soft provoke. Slowly, stealthily, insidiously planning their moves like a chess player would in a championship match. It's so subtle and covert that nobody would ever suspect anything is going on. Over time, their victim is emotionally abused to the point where they just can't take it anymore, and they lash out, quite understandably. Nobody can see what the narcissist is doing because they have learned to hide it so well. Unfortunately, when the victim stands up for themselves and calls out abuse, they are already at a disadvantage because the narcissist will have no doubt ensured (perhaps over many years) that their mask is flawless. People will never suspect them because they are either 'a lovely person' or they have a 'hard done by, life has always been so unfair to me' attitude that they hide behind. People have always felt sorry for them so when somebody attacks them, they are already ahead in the race for validation.
The problem we have as a society today is that we take what we see and hear as gospel truth without being able to assess the situation properly first. The facts of the situation might not be what is presented at all, which is why it is incredibly easy to judge someone unfairly. In truth, they are being deliberately smeared by the narcissist. Their audience (who become their enablers) don't see this. If you have seen the 'Bette Noir' episode on Black Mirror, you'll understand that appearances can be deceiving. Narcissists are fully in control of the narrative that they need people to believe, and they know exactly what they are doing. They are fully aware that you are not going to take the abuse forever if they see you beginning to figure it out and they already have a 'get out' clause arranged that you will know nothing about until it's too late. Narcissists abuse in secret because if they did it in public, everybody would know not to trust them. It has to be done covertly in order for them to get away with it.
The only weapon we have as survivors are the facts and of course, staying quiet. The more we react to a narcissist's provocations, the more justified and validated they become in people's eyes. What will drive you crazy will be the desperate need you feel to exonerate yourself and prove that this had nothing to do with you. That only digs a deeper hole and before too long, you won't be able to climb out of it.
We need to realise that:
Evil acts are carried out in very sinister, covert ways and calculated to levels you might struggle to believe.
Not everything is what it seems to be.
Facts are your friend. When all is said and done, the truth is much more powerful. Know what it is you're dealing with. Research, read and listen to what other people have to say before rushing to form a conclusion.
Remember that narcissists will shout and cry victim to encourage people to rush to their aid as quickly as possible — it doesn't mean what they're saying is true at all. What they are looking at is your reaction only and not what caused you to react like this.
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DISCLAIMER: This article is not a substitute for receiving medical/mental health support or diagnosis. Please consult your G.P. if you are struggling with any of the issues in this article. This article in no way indicates that the above mentioned points will guarantee a healing solution. They are general points only.