BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

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I go to the bathroom. Again. I go in, turn on the ceiling light and the light above the big mirror. The toothbrush is still there, kind of staring back at me.

why, why to do anything for myself, completely meaningless, meaningless

I sit down on the edge of the bath because I don't want to see myself in the mirror. The tunnel opens, it looks like a bottomless well. As I fall, blurred hands cling out of the walls towards me. Spiralling downwards. Silhouettes of faces desperate to get some air open their mouths wide. Screams of silence.

I cry as I get up. There's someone standing in the mirror wiping tears from their cheeks.

I show up at work. Laughter. Jokes. It's like everything is fine. That's all I want, laughing and joking, no too much talk. Until again, this unbearable pain, inconsolable sorrow, choking back tears. I move away from my coworkers so that no one notices the change on my face. I'm focusing on the work and at the same time wishing I would just fall and die.

When I drive home, I'm kind of fine again.

You think that after three weeks it should be somehow okay, that it should finally go away, the tears and sadness should run out, and you wish for the emptiness you used to be so afraid of. You want that nothingness and that numbness. Disconnecting from everything.

Somehow, I manage to make lunch at home. A plate of food is on the dining table in front of me.

I can't… just can't, it doesn't make sense, nothing makes sense anymore

There is no hunger, no desire for food, only a silent longing for not to exist. To be no more. I feel tears pouring from my eyes and push the plate away from me. Endless sadness. I put my hands on the table and lay my head on them. Like a tired little child after crying profusely, I fall asleep.

The dream is here again. I dream of her, of my girlfriend from my teenage years. We were still in school, seventeen years old.

her face is so clearly visible, with that cute innocent smile, with her hand stretched towards me, inviting me to follow her, to follow her

I'd almost forgotten about her, it's been a long time since I last thought of her, and now suddenly she's back, like some strange product of my grief, a side effect that is the only light in the dark abyss.

lead me, guide me and I'm slowly coming, I'm coming to you, to you

I force myself to eat a sandwich and silence the voices in my stomach. The coffee is still intact, on the kitchen counter. And I'm just standing there, leaning against the wall and staring somewhere past that mug, through the wall, to the other side, into the infinite distance and I don't know how long and when I'm finally kind of back I notice that I'm crying again. I run my hand over my face to wipe away my tears, and I feel like I should shave. But I'm tired. I'm so tired. I go to bed and fall asleep.

I can't hear you, why do we whisper? you take my hand and lead me, like that night through the dark corridors of your parents' house

I am woken up by a beep from my phone. Message from my daughter that she is coming to my place today for the weekend. I love her and I don't want her to see me as a wreck. I clean the apartment. The sadness has receded, it's still there somewhere in the background, but it's silent, almost imperceptible.

The weekend with my daughter goes very well. We both like to chat a lot, that's why sometimes we argue about who's next to speak. We go out for lunch because she likes Chinese food. Towards the evening we play Exploding Kittens and she beats me 5–1. That's good, because she's a very bad loser.

As she leaves, we hug each other tightly and I tell her that I love her very much. I watch her walk towards the elevator and I'm so proud of her and only close the door after I don't see her anymore.

I collapse on the floor. In an instant, tears fall from my eyes.

everything is so hopeless, everything is so hopeless, everything is so hopeless

After a while, I want to get up, but I just don't have the will to do it.

why am I so sad? when will this end?

I know how I can put an end to this sadness Someday I'll laugh with you again Who have been waiting for me for so long I'll meet you I'll find peace Tears dry I can't get there yet Here are the loved ones who need me a little more

Good night, sleep tight, Don't let the bedbugs bite. If they do, squeeze them tight, And they won't bite tomorrow night.