Hey kid, welcome back. Sorry that I haven't been able to meet up with you sooner, but the world is turning on its head. I'm not talking about all the stuff you see on the news, I'm talking about the stuff you never hear about. It's a scary time.

So, I've got some time to kill, what would you like to talk about today? I'll make us some tea while you think about it. I've got about five hundred years of experience, so I'm sure I'll know something about whatever's on your mind.

Count Dracula? Seriously? Okay, sit down kid. Here's the thing. First of all, Count Dracula wasn't a real person. Well, he was, but he wasn't a vampire. He was, and still is, an immortal. Okay, I see you're a little confused. Let me explain.

As you know, I gained my immortality through magic. However, there are some who are born immortal. It's a kickback from the days when the gods had children with mortals. To this day, some of those god-like qualities are passed from one generation to the next.

Vlad Tepes was a Romanian prince and was said to have died about two hundred years before I was born. However, it wasn't Vlad who died but one of his generals. He always had at least two body doubles with him wherever he went. It was one of the tricks he learned while being held captive by the Ottomans.

Last I knew, he was living in Bueno Aires. Let's just say he ended up on the wrong side of the second world war. I haven't seen him in several decades, so it's hard to say where he's at today.

Now, if you want to talk about a real vampire, I'll tell you about Elizabeth Bathory. She was a horrible person. Even as a child, she had a nasty disposition. Of course, I only know that because I had to study her while going through my immortal training. She actually died shortly before I was born.

See, here's the thing. Vampirism is a disease. Yes, a vampire will bite you and drink your blood. However, they don't normally drain you dry. They usually attack animals, but human blood is kind of like a drug. And those who become addicted to it can wreak havoc on whole communities.

Elizabeth Bathory was bitten as a child by one of her handmaidens. As she grew older, she became addicted to human blood and was said to even go so far as to bathe in it. She was one of the few vampires who had no issues with draining a person of their blood. Her cravings were what led to her demise.

The thing about vampires is that they are not immortal. Truth is, if left on their own, they'll eventually die from old age. Most never get to live that long, though. Elizabeth was walled up in her own castle and just left there to die. As far as I know, her corpse is still in that wall. No one's had the nerve to open it up to find out.

What's that? Oh yea, there were a lot of ways to kill a vampire throughout the ages. But they weren't really anything that wouldn't kill a normal person. I mean, it doesn't matter if you're a vampire or not, a stake through the heart is going to kill you.

Sunlight? It has to do with the virus in a vampire's system. It causes issues with the eyes which makes sunlight painful. Sunlight doesn't kill a vampire, nor does garlic. In fact, if you can get a person infected with vampirism to eat an entire clove of garlic, it could potentially cure them. The problem is that it attacks the virus which causes the infected person to go into violent convulsions.

Tell you what, if you ever get bitten by a vampire, come see me. I'll get you fixed right up and back to enjoying Margaritas on the beach.

Damn, look at the time. Sorry kid, but I've got an appointment with my grandmother, Hecate. Seems there's a troll on the loose in Northern Scotland and I have to make sure he doesn't get caught by humans. Trolls are assholes, trust me.

Next time you come by, I'll tell you more about some of the immortals around the world. You'd be surprised just how many are out there and are well-known to humans.

I'll see you around, kid. And, uh, don't be letting just anyone go sucking on your neck.

Read the full story here: